Another Changed Life

Do Over

2012-01-19T15:02:00.000-06:00

Today I left work for lunch, got in my car, drove to Taco Bell, ate a Deal 4 meal then got in my car and drove home and wrote my boss an E-mail that I won't be going back.

Now don't get me wrong, I submitted my letter of resignation on Tuesday morning and he told me I could leave whenever I wanted. And I truly had thought I would be able to hang out until the 25th when we decided would be my last day. My intention wasn't to come home after lunch, I was going to go back and try to get something done. But as I sat and ate my 5-layer-burrito I realized there was nothing really left for me to do that I can do.

I am tired. I wish I could do over this last two years. I truly do. I just feel I've wasted so much time trying to be something I just am not. I've applied for another job, a part-time ministry oriented job with no benefits and low pay. Funny thing is whether or not I get that job, that is the job I want. I want a job where I can use my gifts and talents to support ministries.

I realized today that I've had a lot of anger since I left Fellowship, and I though it was toward a couple of people there. But the truth is I was angry with myself. I was angry because I got sick, because I allowed myself to get overextended, because I acted on emotions when I quit because I let my feelings get hurt and I stopped looking at the big picture and as a result I put myself in box. That was why I felt isolated and abandoned.

So I tried to educate myself and do something totally opposite of what I was doing at Fellowship, working for the money and benefits and, hopefully, so recognition of my great skill set. And for the most part I got all of those things. But in the end I came home exhausted and empty.

The first Sunday we went to IBC I really wasn't looking forward to it. I did it out of respect for Philip and his new position there. But as I listened to Hatley talk about the direction of the church I just felt at home again for the first time in a long time. That is what I want, too.

So last Sunday Phil took the kids to church early and I came a bit later. As I drove in the car I had a meltdown to God. "I realize, God, that I totally blew it! I was being used and I threw it all away. I want a job with purpose, that will use my gifts. But I'm so afraid. I'm afraid I will never get the opportunity again. Please, help me know what you want."

I arrived at the church and picked up a bulletin, sat down and opened it and started to read and I couldn't believe what I saw. A position for a part-time receptionist was opening up.

I don't know if I'll get the job or not, but what I do know is my heart's desired cried out for that position, and I knew I couldn't continue working for a software company that's purpose is to help banks track assets so they can take them when they have to foreclose on a loan. Don't get me wrong, it's an awesome program. My heart just didn't desire it.

I can't do over what happened at Fellowship. And I can complain all I want that they didn't know what they had in me, but the truth is I didn't know what I had in that position--the joy that came when I helped someone get connected or helped the ministry minister to others. I want that joy again. I truly do.

So now I just have to trust God to lead me, to provide for me and to protect me. So glad He doesn't need to have a do over, because He knows exactly what He is doing in the first place. I pray that He will make me brave, consistent and flexible. I pray He will heal me and help me move forward so I don't make the same mistakes again. Amen.

Employed

2011-11-13T11:36:00.003-06:00

It's been awhile since I posted. The truth is that I started a new job three weeks ago, and life has been a blur since then.

I enjoy my new job, which is a combination of a few jobs. I like staying busy. I like being challenged. I'm finally getting my footing and starting to feel like I belong there.

But then I come home and feel I'm failing terribly at that job. My house is getting dirty. Things that need to be done aren't getting done. I knew I would have to let some things slide, but that pushes my sanity to the limit sometimes.

On the plus side, Phil has been awesome. He stopped expecting me to get up at 4:30 a.m. to fix his breakfast. I know that was a sacrifice for him, but he has no idea how much that helps. My job requires a well-rested mind.

Phil has also started to take the lead in our home, which is what I've prayed for! I know this is hard for him because he is exhausted at the end of the day, but it's like his eyes are opened and when he sees the kids aren't doing what they are told, he talks to them. Before I would try to tell him and he would just ignore it because he knew I'd eventually do it for them so it would get done. Now we both know we have to push the kids to do what is needed, too.

I was concerned about getting a job, but for the most part it has been good for all of us. Financially it has taken a huge burden off of Phil. There are times he can't work because of the weather (which happened last week, he was only able to work 19.5 hours) and if I wouldn't have gotten my first paycheck we would have been hurting again. In a few weeks we will have a nest egg, and hopefully those last couple of debts paid off.

I would tell you more about my job, but the nature of it required a non-disclosure agreement to be signed, and to play it safe all I will say is that it used most of my gifts and talents and it teaching me more. My main job is going to be customer support, but I will also have administrative tasks. Occasionally I will be able to be creative, too.

God has been good to me. The team I work with is amazing, and laid back, and very intelligent. I know I will be challenged, but also have been accepted as a legitimate part of the team. This was the most important thing to me, because I can learn tasks, but if you don't feel welcomed into the team a job can become unbearable.

My prayer over my job was that God would not put me anyplace I shouldn't be and that He'd close doors on anything that He wouldn't want me to do, that He would hand-pick the job. He definitely honored that prayer.

Worlds Apart

2011-09-30T11:34:00.002-05:00

Philip has spent the last three months in Kenai, Alaska. We realized the other day that this is the longest we have been apart since we met on February 27, 1990. Neither of us knew how this would affect our marriage, our faith in each other or our faith in God.

I realized some thing about my marriage that I never realized. I totally struggle with trust. A couple of things happened and I just struggled to believe my husband, even when so much of the evidence said he was telling the truth. There was just enough to cause me to doubt. And I realize now that Satan can use that little itty bit to conquer and divide us, if I allow him to.

I have been cleaning and came across some leadership training materials from Celebrate Recovery Summit 2007. It talked about fear. At Saddleback they love acronyms. The acronym for fear is:

False

Evidence

Appearing

Real

I need to remember CONSTANTLY that my weakness is fear and doubt, and that my defense mechanism is to push someone away before they hurt me and to run away for fear of being left. I know that sounds counter productive, but that is how I survived my childhood and young adulthood.

I will always probably struggle with trust, but I do know how to love and I do know how to persevere. Thankfully I have a husband who knows how to forgive and who has the strength to stay committed even when I go in my self-destruct mode.

I'm doing better now. It was just so hard being so far apart for so long. I truly do pray that God will work out a way for us to be closer together soon, but realize that Phil having to work out of town might not have as much to do with provision as it might have to do with God teaching me to learn to trust.

The Line

2011-09-06T12:50:00.005-05:00

Last week I went to lunch with a friend and he was talking about a comedian who was pretending to be a preacher. He talked about how this comedian said his main job was keeping his flock from crossing the line. They would ask him, "Can we put our toes on the line?" And he would tell them, "No, that is crossing the line." They would ask him if they could sniff the line and he told them they could sniff the line, just not cross it.

I had to laugh because that is so much how some many 'Christians' approach Christianity. They are constantly looking at the line trying to figure out ways to not cross it, because deep down they really want to be on the other side, and I think to a point they resent God for putting the line there.

But that is the funny thing about true salvation. You realize you don't have to worry about the line because it has been erased. That is what Christ did for us. When you have truly fell in love with Jesus you realize that line is what separated you from God and you are so thankful for the gift that your focus moves from the line to God. You are not longer looking back, but forward. There will be times that you, in weakness, step over the line, but you immediately feel the effects and repent and put your focus back onto God. There is a shift in your mentality. It is not longer about pleasing your old self but rather praying daily that your old self will die more so that God can fill you with His spirit and lead you to joy that the things on the other side of that pretend line can never bring.

The religious tend to be watching you to see if you cross the line so that they can throw stones and shame you. They act as if they would never dare cross the line, but satan has deceived them, because they don't even realize they are on the wrong side of it!!! Judgement and bitterness and spiritual abuse are also sin. But they are blind to the fact that the lines they have drawn are not necessarily from God.

Freedom is in knowing the chains are gone, the lines are erased and a miracle has happened! You are no longer yours, you are His and He holds you as precious. He no longer sees the lines you have crossed or will cross. What God sees is His Son's reflection shining from your very soul.

You no longer see people who cross lines, but rather see broken, wounded people who need that same freedom that was granted to you. The sad thing is that those many of us see as unworthy of God are the very people God loves the most, because they are searching, they just aren't finding Him where we say He is, because we are failing, as Christians, to be Christ-like.

I've found that some of the loneliest places I've ever been is in a church. In so many churches when you make a mistake or try to hold someone accountable (not judge, but hold accountable which is Biblical) you are seen as a traitor and pretty much either ignored or slandered until you flee. I want more from a church home.

I want and need accountability without judgement. I need to be loved unconditionally and I need to learn to trust and love unconditionally. My wounds have made me withdraw and hide and I don't want to be there anymore. I want more.

I've been looking at different churches, but find that in the end it might not be the church that is the problem, but me. Because I have lines, too. My lines are ones I won't cross because I'm afraid of being hurt again. They are also judgement and harshness, to where I'm not much better than those who have wounded me.

I pray today that God will help me find value in all people and help me to learn how to break through those barriers that our spiritual tic-tac-toe games have created. Because in the end those games always end in a draw. I pray God will teach me how to win the game for Him.

WordPress

2011-09-02T13:36:00.002-05:00

Okay, I have been watching YouTube videos at the library to research this whole WordPress thing and I'm very excited about what I'm seeing! What an awesome tool!!! I have all sorts of new ideas racing through my mind now!!! This opens up a lot of possibilities for me!

So, I need to download the program and play with it a bit. I can use Kaleta's website for her goats as practice and maybe even Tracy's.

I'll keep you updated on all the new things I'm learning!

Limitations

2011-09-01T23:38:00.002-05:00

Today I realized that I'm limited when it comes to Web design, partly by my limited educational background and partly because I'm not really in the loop. I'm beginning to realize that I need to use this time of unemployment to research things like WordPress. I've heard of WordPress, but had no idea of what it was until today, and have no idea how to use it.

So now although I was just a few weeks ago confident in my abilities am now wondering if at my age it will ever be possible to stay on top of all this new and constantly changing technology. Let's face it, I'm like Ferdinand the bull when it comes to Web design. I enjoy it, but I'm a lover, not a fighter. I like to create and savor the colors and graphics and even the content, but I'm not going to fight for a place in the lime light, and I fear that will hurt me in the job hunt arena.

So, what do I do now? Assess my limitations and decide with ones I can break through and which ones I need to just accept. I have to know what it is that I really want.

And that is where this whole thing gets tricky.

Anticipation, It's Making Me Wait

2011-08-29T18:38:00.002-05:00

I think the hardest part in the whole job search process is the waiting. I know this will develop patience in me, but it's hard wondering if anyone is even looking at my portfolio or my resume, or if it just sitting on their desk or in their inbox.

I've applied to the places I most would like to find myself employed, but if I haven't heard anything by Wednesday it will be time to go to staffing services to see if I can get a job (and income) until I find my career path.

Until then I do have a friend who wants two separate websites built, one is just a one page calling card one. Since I'm doing it for a friend I won't charge a whole lot, but it will be something . . . one step closer to buying Adobe CS5.5 and a few other programs I'd really like to add to my toolbox.

Until then I have no other option but to wait.

Continued Progress in the Great Career Path

2011-08-27T10:31:00.004-05:00

Today is a good day. Yesterday I was able to get the Dr. Beavers' website online and today I feel more confident to start looking for employment.

I created an online portfolio, updated my resume and am starting to look into companies I think would appreciate my abilities and who have something to teach me. At this point in my career the having something to teach me part isn't that hard.

I am learning. I've learned a lot from this last website and from creating my portfolio. There is nothing more satisfying than seeing a website you've designed go live, and have it work. I know I'm a bit obsessive about the testing the site, but that is exactly why!

For Phil's birthday I created an online card with videos of the kids on my new website. It's been hard with him being in Alaska, but he'll be home in a few very short weeks.

Since it's been awhile since I posted, I must brag about my daughter, who showed her Nigerian Dwarf goats at the Benton County Fair. This is especially a sweet accomplishment since she actually petitioned to get the class added. This year she was the only entry in that class, so she took best of breed. Next year she is hoping for some competition.

Cordel's birthday is next week and I'm trying to figure out something fun to do. His dad will still be in Alaska and his sister will be a Fall Retreat, so I guess we are just going to have a special day.

Today I'm going to catch up on the housework and get rid of some clothes that we've outgrown or just don't wear anymore. It was nice blogging again. I really need to do this more often!

Moving on, then . . .

2011-06-17T14:12:00.002-05:00

Today was my last official class at NTI. I will have a final on Monday, but that isn't the same since you really don't get to talk to anyone or interact. You also aren't learning anything, just remembering, hopefully.

The next step is my internship, which will last about a month. Then I will move on into the big, huge work world.

And this is where I'm afraid. I've had to really ask myself where this fear is coming from!!! I mean, I'm feeling very comfortable with my resume, more confident about my interviewing skills and definitely confident about my technical skills.

I guess what I'm afraid of is that I won't be able to fit. I still struggle with what to do with those people who are a bit difficult to work with. I really want to accept them just as they are, but at times that is so tough. Even my husband stopped accepting me when I was a difficult person, which is why I started this road to recovery to begin with.

And I just realized why I'm struggling. I fear becoming co-depending in a work situation. I fear that by ignoring those things I'm accepting them. I'm also afraid I'll have to wear a mask at work so that I won't lose my job. I'm afraid of relapsing, because I can't separate who I am at work from who I am at home without going insane.

So, what this means is that I need to be very careful where I take a job. I need to ask the right questions. I might need to start out with a temporary agency until I find the right fit.

Mostly I need to pray, asking God to put me where He wants me and to help me learn to deal with difficult people in a work situation. I want to be a team player. I want to be a hard worker that an employer values. But mostly I want to reflect Christ in everything I do.

And I can't do that with old baggage. Where I'm going my torn up duffle bag full of past junk just won't make it through customs. So I need to flush it and move on, then. I need to invest in some nice, heavy duty luggage full of new ideas and attitudes. It's time to get on that plane and move into the next adventure. I am ready!

Resumes, References, Mock Interviews-Oh, My!

2011-06-14T19:33:00.004-05:00

When I started my journey of looking for a job two years ago, I honestly was clueless about what to put on a resume, had never written a cover letter (didn't even know what the were) and dreaded interviews.

Professional Development has helped me break through those barriers. I'm very happy with my new resume, which accurately represents my skill set and experience. Now I understand the place and importance of a well written cover letter. I also now understand why I should always include a resume with a job application, and why it is necessary to fill out an application even if I have a resume.

Did you know that when you fill out an application they hiring managers are looking at more than the information it contains? They are also testing for things like ability to follow directions, honesty, communication and grammar skills, and attitude. I'm realizing they can tell a lot about me without ever meeting me! Scary!!!

But my biggest hurdle was the interview. I'm horrible in situations where I feel judged, and that is exactly what an interview is--they are making a judgement to whether or not you are a good match for their company.

So, Mrs. Talbert insisted on doing sort of a speed dating style of mock interviews in class. We would turn to one classmate, question each other for five minutes, then switch. Not only did this give me opportunity to practice, but I saw many interview styles and responses, all of which helped me! My favorite interviewee by far was Ping. Ping speaks very little English, but her goal is to be fluent. Her answers to the questions were always so positive and motivating! I would hire her!

So, today was the big mock interview. I interviewed with a hiring manager from Walmart. I was a little nervous, but relaxed as soon as she started questioning. The questions were easy to answer because of all of those assignments and mock interviews we did in class. I was very thankful for Mrs. Talbert!

I graduate a week from today. I will do my internship, then will head out to the big working world. I'm ready.

Professional Development

2011-05-22T12:46:00.002-05:00

So, I'm taking this professional development course, and I thought it would be a breeze. But for me it's not. It's not even that the homework is hard, but it does make you take a long, hard look at your life.

In some areas I realize that I need a lot of work. I look back at all the bridges (professionally and personally) that I've burned in my life. That is a hard pill to swallow.

When I was looking for people to be my professional references I asked myself this question: "If I put myself in their shoes, would I recommended me? Why or why not?" I found myself saying no more than I would like to admit.

I can be stubborn, and my insecurity often comes off as dishonesty, but it's more fear of being who I am, because who I am wasn't always a good thing.

But then I had to list traits and accomplishments. I found out so much about myself. I've always felt like I've done nothing with my life, but I've actually accomplished so much! Funny how Satan can hide those little victories in a pile of insecurity or hurt.

I don't dress professionally. I don't look "professional". At times I don't act "professional". But I do put out professional quality work. I can change my appearance and my attitude and my actions a whole lot easier than I can change the gifts that God gave me.

I thank God for His continued development in my life, but also pray that He will not allow me to get caught up in being "professional". It was "professional" standards that hurt me so much in my last job, with no real, clear explanation of what I was doing wrong that shattered what little self-confidence I had. I don't ever want to become to professional that I forget to look at someone long enough to see their value in Christ.

A Well Rounded Life

2011-05-10T16:55:00.003-05:00

I'm sitting here in my livingroom and for the first time since I started school it hit me: I'm doing it. I am succeeding. I am exceeding. This isn't me being cocky. It's me being amazed at how much God has changed me over the past five years.

So, if I can succeed at school after telling myself for years that I'm stupid, what else have I been preventing God from doing in my life?

They say (don't ask me who they is because I forgot where I heard this) that is you write down your goals you are a lot more apt to succeed in life. I've not really found that to be true in the past. I sometimes finding myself making lists to avoid doing what needs to be done to reach goals I fear I can't obtain. Still, I remember awhile back clarifying the difference between what I wanted and what I needed, and now stand amazed at how God met all of those needs.

Which reminds me of this Mother's Day. I was bummed because we are broke and I knew I wouldn't get things like a nice meal or flowers. What I really wanted was steak! I didn't want to go to my father-in-laws church and had planned on staying home, but God pointed out that Oleta wasn't going to be around very many more years and this might be the last year we could celebrate Mother's Day with her. I know how important that is for Phil, so I went, dreading the spicy food.

Funny thing is that it wasn't spicy. It was just right. Beef and chicken fajitas that were so delicious. They gave all the mothers a pen/bookmark gift set, and a single white rose. It didn't hit me then, but when we were at Walmart later and they had steak samples that were to die for I realized that God honored my honoring my mother-in-law by honoring the desires of my heart, even though they seemed so selfish. He loves me that much.

So here is my list, the things I want to accomplish before the end of 2011:

Make quiet time a priority, starting today!

Make exercise a regular part of my life so I can have a healthy body so I can have many more Mother's Days with my kids

Get a job that will bring in enough money to support our family so Phil can go back to school and do what he loves

Spend more times with my husband and kids and not waste the time I have with them

Laugh every day

Silly list, I know, but as I look at what is lacking in my life, this list will not be a burden but will help me move forward. No specifics. No rules. Just positive changes.

I wonder just how frustrated God gets with us when our quiet time starts slipping. I think of how alone I feel when Philip is working long days and then drifts off to sleep while I'm trying to talk to him. Does God feel that sad? Does he get as mad?

I think God loves it when I think of him, even for a second, and that he holds on to those moments, but he craves more. Sometimes I don't feel what I have to give is worth much, so I avoid him, but he loves me just as I am, why can't I grasp that????

I'm so tired, but I have to wonder if I did those five things if my energy level wouldn't go through the roof. Let's find out. I'm going to log off of here, go listen to some worship music while I ride my exercise bike and then spend a little time in the word with my mind in the right place, so that when Phil and the kids get home I'll be in the right attitude.

Yes, I could spend more time studying for my finals, but I'll pass. I don't have to be perfect and get perfect A's. I need to have a well rounded life.

Daniel Fast

2011-03-12T10:36:00.002-06:00

Yesterday I was at a christian bookstore and ran across a book about the Daniel Fast. I almost bought it, but the thought of fasting sort of scared me.

Today I went online and found The Daniel Fast website. I was amazed by the vast amount of free information and very convicted by the truth that all the things I've been calling fasting lately really aren't fasting.

Rewind back to 2006 when I started this blog. I was at a place of surrender. I was fasting for health, both physical and psychological. During that time God revealed so much to me, and I've never had a time like that since.

Since then I've fasted from facebook (and it never lasted as long as I planned), tv (but I just watched my favorite shows on Hulu after I went back on), and even fasted from caffiene (only for a day or two).

The Daniel Fast doesn't really focus on what you obstain from, but rather what you should eat. I can eat as much as I want of fruits, vegetables, nuts, beans, legumes, flatbreads and I can drink water and use herbs, spices and salt to give my food flavor. As I was looking at the plan I was starting to think about how much money it would save us! I also realized that it would give my body a break.

I'm not sure when I will start, probably the day the kids go on the ski trip. That would be easiest becuase I truly can get everything else out of the house, I won't have stress from school and I can focus the first couple of days on quiet time with God.

I would be fasting for physical, financial and marital health. These are the areas in my life that are weak.

I will fast for at least 10 days, and then as long as God leads me to go with it. When I start adding things back, I will only eat eggs and dairy from the animals we own.

Really, this is how we should be eating. God allows everything, but not everything is beneficial. I know our family eats way too much sugar, drinks way too much soda and eats too much meat. When I was doing the high fiber diet (which most of those recipes I can use on the Daniel fast) I just felt so much better. But I need to do this fast to break those chains that bind me. I truly am still using food as a god to avoid facing certian things in my life. I make way too many excuses.

So, today I will plan. I'm so glad God loves me so much that He keeps redirecting me to do what is right in His eyes rather than what I endulge myself in.

The Breakfast Club

2011-02-28T18:26:00.004-06:00

The last week or so our little NTI Web Programming circle has decided that we bear a striking resemblence to the characters of The Breakfast Club. The problem is, everyone has a different view of who should be what character. The truth is, many of us could be multiple characters. We each see the others from different views. And really, that is what The Breakfast Club is all about, that we all have similarities as well as the differences that define us.

I think what bothers me the most, though, is that James said I was most like Brian. There is nothing wrong with Brian, but off all the characters he really is the least like me. I am not a brain, and although I really want to get straight A's, it's not the driving force in my life or I'd be studying a whole lot harder than I have been. He said it was by default, which bothers me even more.

Then it hit me, I really don't belong in that movie to begin with. If I were to define myself by a character in a movie, it would be Josie Geller in Never Been Kissed. Josie never really belonged anywhere in high school, she was always the butt of the jokes, humiliated, harrassed and abandoned. Mostly she was insecure, awkward and underestimated. Fast forward 10 years and she is successful, but still unaware of her potential. She only finds her potential when she goes back to high school undercover and starts playing a character for a story. What she finds is that if she had to go back she would do it all again, because it defined who she was in the present.

The closest I came to of any of the characters in The Breakfast Club was the basket case, Allison. But I'm not that person anymore. I went through many trials and several years of recovery to NOT be that person anymore.

And maybe that is why they don't see me in any of the characters, because those are kids who haven't really had life experience behind them. They lack wisdom that comes from life. In fact, the closest character I could possibly be is maybe Carl, the janitor.

I guess the whole thing put me in a somber mood today. Once again I feel outside the loop, out of character, just missing the mark. But maybe that isn't a bad thing. Maybe it isn't at all. Maybe it is good that I'm not defined by others, but rather by who God is maturing me to be. Maybe I'm finally growing up.

Does Time Really Heal All Wounds?

2011-02-19T00:44:00.004-06:00

There is this lie circulating out there that time heals all wounds. It is the lie that Satan wants us to believe so that we will walk in disunity and dissension. So many times we try to give someone time to cool down only to find ourselves years later still resentful because we never dealt with the situation.

I was raised to be a "peacekeeper"{–noun a person, group, or nation that tries to make peace, especially by reconciling parties who disagree, quarrel, or fight.} . This is not to be confused with a "peacemaker"{–noun 1. a person who maintains or restores peace and amity; mediator.} There is a subtle difference. Although a peacekeeper can sometimes be a peacemaker, they are not always. A peacekeeper's main goal is to make the fight go away, and sometimes they do that by convincing someone to allow the abuse or anger to be ignored so there can be an illusion of peace. The house becomes quiet, but the war rages on. You just don't see it. Peacekeepers love to talk about time healing all wounds. When you try to talk to them, they always try to convince you to just give it more time. They don't like the uncomfortableness of dealing with confrontation.

But peacemakers are a bit different. They are willing to risk losing the battle to win the war. They know that it's better to finish the fight than to ignore it. But what they do is try to create a safe place for the battle to take place. They see healing in confrontation, if it's done properly.

So why do I fear confrontation? Because of the peacekeepers in my life. You see, you can only keep the peace for so long by avoiding it. It's like a pressure cooker, the pot looks closed, and all you see is just a little sign of steam, but if you open it after it's been cooking for awhile it will explode. Those explosions were the only experience I've ever had with confrontations, so I fear them to no end. I'm getting better, partly because I'm finding safe friends, and partly because I'm trying really hard not to let it build.

There is the illusion that time heals all wounds. People can get together after years and pretend that nothing happened and be all smiles and hugs, but it's still there. There will never be a closeness in that sort of environment. You can agree to disagree, but it's still there.

So I have two of these sorts of situations right now. One is in the healing process. The other I fear is in the pressure cooker. I've forgiven both, but in both situations there was hurt on both sides. So in the first the person has accepted my apology, but feels she did nothing wrong. I'm trying to trust, but won't, because of the avoidance. There has been forgiveness, but deep down there is a hurt that she doesn't value me enough to say the words, "I'm sorry." I'm not even looking for the words "I'm wrong", just an acknowledgment that there was a hurt there, even it was unintentional.

But the worse of the two is the second. I apologized and claimed my part, but the other person has avoided me and even if we are in the same room it is like I'm invisible. It's is so uncomfortable I want to run. I had forgiven her, but every time she does this I have to forgive all over again. Time won't heal this one. In fact, time is causing more scars and pain.

So, what do I do? I can't force this person to talk to me and I don't want to be co-dependent. But I do believe this needs to be worked through.

God, please, help me to reach out to this person and soften their heart to me just slightly, just enough that we can at least leave this as a comfortable acquaintance. Help me to love this person unconditionally. Don't allow Satan to turn time into anger, resentment or bitterness on my end. Help me to let go. Guide me in my future relationships that I might not cause wounds just because I'm wounded and that I will not avoid things just because I fear conflict. God, please heal the unhealable and mend the broken. If it can't be mended, please help me to let go and move on.

In Jesus name,
Amen

Does he really think I'm beautiful???

2011-02-12T10:27:00.001-06:00

I was reading status updates just now about all the women getting ready for their big nights out. They are primping and beautiflying. I started thinking and I just realized that I've never had a pedicure or manicure. I don't wear makeup. I can't wear high heals because of my ankles, which is the same reason I rarely wear dresses. I haven't had my hair cut at a fine salon since 1992. I haven't had a perm (thankfully) since 1993 (because after I had Kaleta I had one part of my hair that doesn't take a perm anymore, so why bother). I've never colored my hair. In the winter I'm lucky if I shave my legs more than twice a month. Still, my husband says I'm the most beautiful woman in the world to him. I'm starting to appreciate my husband a whole lot more, and hopefully he appreciates me.

Which makes me wonder why it's so hard for me to believe that my husband thinks I'm beautiful. After all, I don't have nice clothes, and truly do look like a frumpy old housewife most of the time. I only get my hair cut maybe three times a year, and usually by the end of the day it's looking pretty flyaway. I wear glasses that I've had for three years, so out of date I'm sure, although I really don't keep up on those sorts of things. I'm fat, no, obese, which bothers me to no end. In fact, when I look in the mirror I cringe and wonder where that pretty woman Philip married went. Even when we took that NWA Marriages couples quiz thing, well, I didn't score too desirable. So why on earth should I believe that my husband thinks I'm beautiful.

As I'm pondering this I think of Proverbs 31. It doesn't mention outward beauty at all. It talks about character. Although there are many things I haven't achieved yet, like the market place thing, there is one verse that I can't deny.

"Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 'Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.'" Prov. 31:28-29

Beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. If my husband says he is beholding true beauty when he looks at me, then he is. When God tells me I am His creation and He sees true beauty in me, then He does. When my kids tell me how beautiful I am, I should listen.

The world tries to tell us we're worth it and we deserve it or that we aren't enough and we need more to be enough. But love says you are accepted unconditionally and are beautiful just the way you are.

So maybe I'll never go get my nails done or ever see a beauty salon again. Maybe that just isn't who I am. Maybe I shouldn't crave those sorts of things because maybe if I start trying to be that sort of a person I might become more beautiful according to the world, but less desirable to my husband. After all, the reason I stopped wearing makeup was because he told me I looked better without it. I used to believe him. I need to try that approach again.

Friday

2011-01-29T12:09:00.002-06:00

I was supposed to go to a funeral yesterday. That was my plan, but on Thursday I realized I was almost out of gas, and we only had $82.59 in our checking account with an auto-withdrawal for $80 set to go through on Friday. So I was pretty sure I was going to have to pass. My daughter wanted to go to a slumber party, but I didn't have the gas to take her. I knew I'd have the gas to pick her up if her friend could take her. So she called her friend's sister (it was a surprise party, so she couldn't actually call her friend) and they offered to come pick her up. This was after the fuel pump went out on my husband's truck. Without his truck we have absolutely no income. It's been hard enough with him not having a job and only making what little we have by him cutting and selling firewood.

Honestly, I was about ready to fall apart. I knew we would need money for the parts, so I went ahead and pulled $60 out of our account to cover gas and groceries for our account, knowing that if Phil couldn't get the truck fixed, that would be all we had for awhile. I was totally expecting to see there was only $22.59 in our account after the withdrawal, but it said there was $83 something in the account. I was confused. I asked Phil if he'd deposited anything in the account. He said, "No." I realized the small tax refund we got from our Missouri return must have come in a whole lot quicker than we had expected. God does provide.

We were going to borrow money from Phil's dad to help fix the truck, something I really didn't want to do because we've had to borrow so much over the last few weeks. I let God know how I felt, but surrendered to having to do what we have to do to survive. So we went over to their house to get some money to pay for the parts.

I was still curious exactly how that extra money had gotten into our account, but I didn't have enough money to renew our Internet. So when we got to my father-in-laws house, I went online to check our account. Our Arkansas return had come in and it was more than enough to pay for our truck repairs, our electric bill (which I was sweating getting cut off) and even allow me to get Internet again, which we decided was a priority since all of our banking is online now.

Looking back over the last few days I see how much God has changed me. I actually reached out when we needed to (asking Kaleta to ask for help instead of just saying, 'no', and being blessed by friends' willingness to pick her up to help us out). I didn't post all over facebook or e-mail for prayer request about our situation. Instead, I quietly asked God to either provide for us, or hold me up emotionally. He did both.

It seems that through this God reminded me that my relationship with Him isn't as bad as I thought. I am in constant communion with Him. I talk to Him all the time, sing to Him all the time and I'm finally turning to Him in times of need instead of making everything about me.

Life is good right now. Those lean times really tone up your spiritual health. Maybe that is why God tells you to give your excess away rather than holding on to it. I've discovered just how much I can do without, and have different perspective on what is important to me.

If I did a serenity prayer assessment of what happened this weekend it would look like this:

God, grant me the serenity to change the things I can not change

(I can't change the fact Phil still hasn't found a job or that the fuel pump went out on the truck or that I don't have enough gas money to make two trips to Winslow to take my daughter to a birthday party)

The courage to change the things I can

(I can choose to trust God, I can encourage and help my husband, help my husband instead of going to a funeral--which would mean spending more money on gas and leaving my husband alone to do something he really needed someone there to help with and stranded without transportation if he needed parts or anything else--and I can ask God to help me keep my attitude in check and accept life as it is)

And the wisdom to know the difference

(This one I still struggle with at times, but I'm getting better about praying for God's wisdom)
Living one day at a time

(I will fill my car up with gas and feed my family today, and let tomorrow worry about itself)

Enjoying one moment at time

(Wow, it's sort of nice to hang out with my husband today)

Accepting hardships as a pathway to peace

(See how this whole situation is teaching me to trust in God, focus on God and ignore the waves)

Taking this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it

(As if I'm in control anyway)

Trusting that He will make all thing right if I surrender to His will

(And He ALWAYS does, so I have to wonder why there are still times I doubt Him silly me!)

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

(You know, I really am so much happier now than I used to be)

and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

(I sure can't wait for that day)

Amen.

God IS good ALL the time

Naked Parenting

2011-01-23T12:03:00.007-06:00

I recently read this article on foxnews.com: http://www.foxnews.com/health/2011/01/21/mtvs-skins-problem-liquid-pornography/?test=faces# after reading a facebook status quote and having my curiosity sparked. It was a really good article, and you will probably appreciate what I have to say more if you stop and read it first.

I was thinking about some of the comments the author made, and I agree with most, but not with the parenting part. I've made a lot of mistakes parenting, and yet my oldest, who in a few short months will be 18, has managed to avoid most of the chaos found in the average American teenage girl's life. She would rather serve on Sunday morning than sleep in, and actually chooses to go to Saturday Night Mosaic with us, even though we tell her she doesn't have to since she goes to church on Sunday morning after serving as a youth leader with the 3rd and 4th graders. She looks forward to her Cell group. She saved up and bought her own car, has had several jobs since she was 12 (yes, 12), raises goats and chickens rather than spending her money on movies or other stuff and she has decided she doesn't even want to start dating until she finds someone who she could she herself marrying, and even then, she'd rather be courted than dated. See, she is truly not your typical teen, and I have no problem now with letting her go do stuff as long as she lets me in on where she will be, which she does. I wish I could take full credit for this miracle, but I can't.

There is only one difference between my parenting technique and most parents. At one point I asked myself what my purpose as a parent was. This came when my son, who was about five, and I were playing the "I love you more" game and, in an effort to outdo me, he told me he loved me more than God. I realized that he understood how important God was, but up to that point I had made myself more important to my kids (and, in all honesty at that point in my life, to myself) than God. We followed the rules as long as I wanted to, but when a questionable movie came on, or if I wanted to do something I shouldn't, we would compromise. That put me in the position higher than God. It put me in the driver's seat. I realized, at the moment, that I had failed my purpose as a parent, because up to that point I had no idea what my purpose as a parent was. Not only was I driving, I was driving blind.

I have the strong opinion that if you want your child to grow up with the least amount of pain in their lives and teach them to make the best choices possible, you have to first get over yourself and secondly put God first, which you can't truly do until you get over yourself. This is a humbling experience. Why? Because you have to confess your sins and faults not only to God, but to your kids and spouse and friends. Because when you sin, their little eyes see it and they absorb it, even if they don't understand what they are seeing, their mind does process and store that information, and if you don't confess it, they will eventually live it. Therefore, I have to conclude that good parenting isn't telling your kids what to do, it's showing them and being honest with them and loving them unconditionally and disciplining them when necessary, but mostly, it's teaching them that when all else is gone, God will remain, so God is who they need to trust and follow, because you will fail, but God never fails.

My daughter knows the mistakes I made at her age, in college, as a parent, in life, etc. I don't hide them from her. That might shock some people, who might ask, "Aren't you afraid she will repeat your mistakes????" No, I'm not. Because I trust God, and I know that He honors my honestly. I wait for the appropriate age, opportunity and God's timing, but I don't hold back. By sharing my pain, guilt, shame and God's amazing forgiveness, grace and healing I'm teaching her that there is nothing that can separate her from God and just how much He loves us. So when she is faced with hard choices and has to choose between friendships that are leading her toward a wide road the world would love us to follow and a God who loves her and is offering to carry her through the rough times on the narrow road that leads to paradise, which do you think she would be more apt to choose?

Yet, if I pretend that I never sinned when I was her age and that I always made the best choices and that I am worthy of God's love because I'm such a good person who never makes mistakes, and how strong and solid I am in God and how since I am filled with Him I cannot sin, then one day she finds herself having sinned and feeling as if there is no where to go, do you think she would turn to God, or a world that is more that willing to allow her to join in on their fun? In fact, that attitude either make me a liar or God unnecessary. That is what I would be teaching my daughter.

Turing off the TV is much more effective than telling your child to avoid sex or drugs, but even more effective to to tell your child why you are turning off the TV and showing them in God's Word the better choices, so that when they are alone with the choice Satan can't sneak in and tell them that their parents just don't want them to have any fun. Teach them God's Word provides the wisdom that God took the time to share with us because He doesn't want us to suffer. If He did, there would be no Jesus and no sacrifice and no need for a Christ. I know some people don't believe in Jesus or struggle with the concept of a Messiah, and maybe that goes all the way back to the messages they were given about Him as a child. Really think about that and absorb that for a minute.

Then you have to ask yourself if you truly believe in God's grace, because if you don't, you'll never trust Him and your kids will pick up on the fact that you are really just being religious, not living in faith. Because faith is in the believing, not the actions. David and Sampson and Paul all sinned more than most of us ever will, major things according to our sick sin scoring system, like adultery and murder, and Paul even tried to justify the murder of Christians (he was Saul at the time) using scripture. He didn't understand grace, and when He did he fell on his face in humility and wrote to book about his sins, but most importantly about God's love for him regardless of them.

The guy in the article above said the show "Skins" should be called "Sins", and he's probably right, although I've never seen it, the ads pretty much promote that whole angle. But the true sin is that parents pay for MTV and put it in their home or pay for Internet access and don't take the time to set up parental controls to protect their children or give their children an iPhone with unlimited access to, well, the world, and don't even take the time to talk to them about what they are doing on it. The problem is most parents are just providing a roof over their children's head, food, water and the occasional talk when things are out of control. But they don't see the great purpose God has given parents.

Our children can only change the world if we live on purpose so that they can find their purpose. If we don't take parenting seriously, we'll find our kids doing exactly what the kids are doing on "Skins". It's not that far off. And what is really sad is those kids think that those things bring purpose to their life, and have no idea of the emptiness that is drowning them. And the deeper they get the harder it is to show them there is a better way. We can't leave it to the church to show our kids God, either. God didn't give that responsibility to the church, He gave it to parents. He said, and I quote:

"Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2“Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— 3 “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”

Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." ~Ephesians 6:1-4

If you don't want your kids to become 'Skins' then you have to practice naked parenting. If you try to act like you are perfect, you are exasperating your children, not to mention lying to them. (1 John 1:10) You will find yourself just like Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden trying to make new designer clothes to hide your shame rather than taking the time to fellowship with your God. No, instead you have to reveal your very soul to the naked truth about you, shame and all, and allow them to see the process God is doing in you, even if it means there are times you are going to look very bad. Just think of how awesome that makes God look to them, though. Trust me, you really don't want to be your child's god. You just weren't cut out for it.

Sick Day

2011-01-23T10:42:00.002-06:00

I'm so glad I went to church last night, because last night was a rough night. I couldn't get warm. My head pounded. Every little noise woke me up and the whole cycle started again. And although I'm not throwing up or anything nasty, at least not yet, I just feel like crap. I guess I just needed a day to rest.

I look at how far Phil and I have come. Last year if Bill had asked me to video tape something for his church, and I would have gotten sick, Phil would have accused me of "faking it" and yelled and screamed and I would have gone. This time, Phil just practiced using the camera and said he woudl try to figure out how to put the video on Bill's computer and made me feel that it was okay to rest and take care of myself. I don't think he has any idea how much I appreciate that.

I am concerned that I'm going to miss school tomorrow. So I'm loading up on vitamin C and grapefruit seed extract and just resting today. I might even do a salt water flush later to attempt to purge any bug I have from my being.

There is something else up with me, though. Last night I just couldn't get into the service, and it might have been because I wasn't feeling well, but I think there is more to it. I just need to take today to do a fearless and searching inventory of myself. I need to see what is making me want to quit and run from everything. I haven't felt like this for a long time. I have no idea what is triggering it. I have no idea why I'm feeling what I am feeling. It might just be the start of a semester, which is a bit overwhelming. I do think I felt a bit like this at the beginning of last semester. Or it could be going back to CR again, and just not feeling connected there at all. It could just be a grieving process I need to work through. I just don't know, and that is what bothers me the most.

I need my Comforter and Healer today. That I do know.

Will The Battle Bruise Me or Break Me?

2011-01-22T14:02:00.002-06:00

Today I realized something about myself. I feel inferior. I feel poor. I feel defeated. I feel confused. I feel unloved. What has happened to me????

I have all of these gifts and talents that I want to use for God's Glory, but no one seems to take them serioiusly. There are times I feel like I have this huge label on my forhead that says, "defective". I'm trying to figure out who put it there an when.

I look back at my blog and there was a time God was using me. I was volunteering, leading step studies, writing ballets and using my gifts where I was working. But now it's like I'm broken. It's not that my gifts have gone away, in fact they have been improved. But I just can't figure out how to get plugged in. It's like I'm afraid to, because every time I've put my toe back in there is this huge door that slams and I barely have time to pull it out. Maybe I should keep it there, I'm just so afraid of getting hurt again.

This is so ironic since our church is doing this whole RELEASE thing, and yet I feel that if I asked to be released I would be laughted at. After all, I'm not a team player or a lifetime learner, and I'm paralysed by the fear that I might just be mentally ill.

So there it is, the origin. Why did I let two people who barely know me define who I am and how God can use me? I pride myself on not being a respecter of persons, and yet, I'm allowing 'leaders' to define who I am by their mediocre assessments of me. I thought CR had led me through that chaos.

And what about CR? I don't feel home there anymore, either. I want to. I truly do. But honestly, I don't think they really want me back. When I went back after three months I felt like a stranger. Honestly, I felt more welcomed the first time I went than I do now.

So, what should I do? I know I have to get connected somehow, and yet when I went to sign up for a community group in our area, the only one that was listed was Financial Peace. I don't have that either, but I know having to come up with $75 when we we are already almost a month behind on our rent and have collectors calling us now on a daily basis would not only be hard, but in my opinion, bad stewardship. Our problem financially isn't that we don't know how to manage our finances (we must be doing something right because in six years we've mananged to pay off $50,000+ in debt with less than $25,000 per year income), we just don't have income right now, at least not consistant. What we needed to learn was trust in God, which we have. What I need is to connect, which I have with two people, but I also need that social thing going on, if you know what I mean.

So, I'm no longer an employee of Fellowship, no longer a 'stay-at-home' mother, no longer a CR leader, no longer a nursery volunteer, not longer employed, and I'm a student who is by far older than everyone I'm going to school with, so I fear once school ends, those friendships will fade away, too.

I feel like I being beaten and bruised, but the last few days I feel broken emotionally. I want to cry. Those OCD feelings are creeping back in. I'm overwhelmed, not by school which actually calms me, but by life and the daily things it brings.

I'm finding it very hard to spend quiet time with God, too. I try to read, but nothing sinks in. I try to sing, but my head starts hurting and I have to turn off the music. And even silence doesn't bring me comfort because of all the OCD noise going on.

God, please don't let me break! Draw me close to You, because I just feel myself pulling away, and I know where that road leads. Please, find a way to bring me back to You.

Learning How To Have Fun

2011-01-18T12:33:00.002-06:00

Life is fun. It really is! This is my newest discovery. I can enjoy life. God wants me to enjoy life.

I always seem to lean toward the way too serious side of life. I think it's good to be centered and focused, but you also have to stay balanced. Too many rules and no fun makes Terri a depressed girl. I'm finding that I can relax and let things happen and allow mistakes to be made and still stay in Jesus and in reality. In fact, I think my life is more real this year than ever.

One thing I've noticed is that church goers often try to separate church and fun, others are all fun and forget they are in church. There is a balance. Be reverent to God, but remember, He created humor. I mean, we've all seen at least on naked person in our life, and most of the time that leads to a pretty good chuckle.

There is a time to pray and a time to play. There is a time to learn and a time to teach. There is a time to hold on and a time to let go. This is my time to let go.

Today Is A New Day

2011-01-07T10:22:00.002-06:00

I love that every day is new and full of possibilities! I might have been a bit hard on myself last night, but am more focused this morning. I went to SparkPeople and put in what I planned to eat and realized I would need at least 500 more calories to make my 1200 calorie minimum, so I can eat a HUGE salad and a lot of fruit and not have to feel guilty at all. Tonight I will soak some black beans to put on my salad tomorrow.

I know God wants me to be healthy. Even Phil has been encouraging and supportive this time, like making dinner for him and the kids last night because he knew I was struggling so I left (which is when I did my little Sam's Club binge) but at least it helped that he was willing to do that. He's also getting very excited about how we are eating! That helps so much, and I know that is coming from God.

Quiet time has been hard. Reading through Genesis is something I've done so many times at I find my mind wandering, so I think I might have to do something else, at least for now. It might be time to dig out the CR Bible and work through the steps. That also might help keep me focused.

This is where I am today: I know I am God's child, that He will give me the strength to do this and that I am forgiven for my lack of self-control yesterday. I need to lean on Him.

Last Day Master Cleanse

2011-01-06T18:29:00.002-06:00

Today was not a good day for me. At around 3 p.m. (which is when I started on the 27th) I drank a glass of OJ, and that set my cravings on fire. I decided it was best NOT to stay home alone in my house with food, so I went to Sam's Club to get some salad. I forgot about samples. I didn't resist, and had three--meatball hot pockets (which have NO flavor), 3 chocolate covered pomegrantes and about 2 T of vanilla activia yogurt. Not bad, but my body was not ready for it and I'm hurting right now. I just took some probiotics and will eat some berries tonight for the fiber. I might have to do a salt water flush tomorrow just to make sure I don't get backed up.

Not the religious experience I was hoping for. I failed in a big way and am very disappointed at myself. But I did buy some spinach, cherry tomatoes, bananas, raspberries and more lemons. Tomorrow will be a better day.

Tomorrow I will start SparkPeople again, and start tracking calories and fitness, and try to stay on track until spring break. I've made a deal with myself that if I can get down to 225 by spring break I won't do another cleanse, and after today I'm very motivated.

I pray God will help me stay on track.

Master Cleanse Day 9

2011-01-05T10:24:00.002-06:00

Today something in my life shifted. I can't really explain it better than that. It's like my mind opened and I realized that I don't need to be some of the things I sometimes think I need to be.

For example, there are times people get started in very complex, deep conversations. I used to go there, so deep that I lost who I was in Christ and started doubting His truth. I realize now that what limited wisdom I do have, I have from God, not my studies or extreme intellegence. Those conversations are made to impress and to 'one up' everyone else. I'm happy being just me, a grateful believer in Jesus Christ. I want to learn, but I don't have to be the top of my class or be involved in deep, but time wasting, conversations anymore.

There are others, but I'll keep them to myself.

I've lost 13.6 pounds since I started this journey. I'll stop the cleanse tomorrow, just because I'm afraid if I don't, I'll come off too soon with the wrong sort of food. Plus, I want to be totally off and have 'eased out' before school starts next week. I want to have a solid eating plan in place before school. I only go two days next week, but still, I want to be prepared.

I am ready to go off, and might actually start easing off tomorrow night since techincially I started around 2 pm the day before the fast. I'm ready to eat colorful fruits and vegetables. I'm ready to exercise daily. I'm ready to drop those next 84 pounds!

I believe God has used this time to break those addictions, and the next 30 days will be a test to see how well I can resist. For 30 days, no soda, no white foods and only yogurt or aged cheese for dairy (I now know how to make both almond and soy milk, so there are no more excuses).

"I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. " Philippians 3:14

Master Cleanse Day 8

2011-01-04T17:02:00.002-06:00

Today has been a normal day. I helped Kaleta finish her 4-H journal, then we took it to the extension office and then I took the kids out to help their dad cut firewood. After that I went to Aldi's to get more lemons and limes, and also some avacadoes, because they were only 24 cents each. They are still green, but will be ripe right about the time I'm eating solid foods again, so I didn't mind one bit! Then I went to Walmart to get a citrus juicer and the kids some yogurt, and finally to Sam's club to get dog food. Like I said, normal.

You'd think that if you hadn't eaten in 8 days it would be very hard to go to a grocery store, but it really isn't. The only moment when I felt not weakness, but almost more like grief, was when I was checking out at Sam's Club and looked over at their little snack shack and realized there really isn't anything on the menu that I can eat for awhile. We often go to Sam's after church on Sundays, eat lunch there and then just walk around. I guess that is a thing of the past.

I should be stressing because our car insurance is due in two days and our rent was due on the first and we have no money in our account, but I'm not. I'm beyond that now. We just need to make it through until we get our tax refund back, then we should be good. Phil is starting to look for CNA jobs, and the papers for the dump truck should come any day, then things will be much easier. I just have to hold on a few more weeks.

School starts back next week. Honestly, I wish it would have started this week. I'm really missing it. Not just the learning, but the seeing people every day. I used to think I was an introvert, now I'm confused, because I do get energy from the people at class. But I can't focus with too much going on around me, so that worries me a bit. I'm wondering how well I will do in the working world.

Two more days. I think I can tough it out. If not, I have a cantaloupe and some blackberries hidden in the RV fridge, so that if I just can't take it, at least I can juice those and not feel like a total failure. :) I'm getting so wise in my old age, aren't I?

Master Cleanse Day 7

2011-01-03T11:20:00.002-06:00

Today is a typical day. We keep oversleeping, which I guess is good in a way because both Phil and I used to not be able to sleep well. But this week we really need to work on getting up earlier.

I've decided NOT to continue the Master Cleanse during school. I'll go the 10 days, then ease out and go to a whole foods diet, keeping milk, white foods (flour, sugar, white rice, white potatoes, etc) out and limiting meat to 3 oz every other day (I'll be making a lot of beans and am even researching making my own tofu).

I know I said I'd read through the Bible, but God pulled me to Philippians today, and I think I'm seeing what He's wanting me to see. Today it was all about joy! I was getting in a negative slump yesterday, but today I'm doing better. After I blog, I'm going to jump on my exercise bike and listen to some upbeat tunes for an hour (yes, an hour). I'm ready. I've lost a lot of the swollenness in my ankles and calves, and since I don't feel bloated, riding the bike just doesn't seem to take a lot of energy. I'm not increasing tension or anything, just easy but consistant riding (about 12-16 mph), with bursts when the music takes me there. :) Listening to music brings me joy, and riding the bike lets my body know it's still alive.

I've lost over 10 pounds now, tomorrow will be a week and I suspect I'll have dropped 14 pounds by tomorrow morning. But mostly I just feel lighter. It's because I'm getting nourishment without all the added fillers and junk.

God wants me to eat in a way that nourishes my body. I want to keep it simple. I'll be spending the next few days working on a lifetime eating plan (2 phases, one for weight loss and the other for lifetime health). I'm using the Full Plate Diet meal plans. They are based on high fiber, high water content, low sugar, low fat strategies that allow you to eat anything you want, but all in moderation and with an overall plan to make sure your body is first nourished, then entertained.

Yes, entertained. I'm realizing during this fast that I'm really not hungry. In other words, my body is not needing anything more than what I'm giving it at this point. But my mind craves the flavors and textures that food offers. It's okay to enjoy your food, I'm not saying that. But I'm realizing that probably 60% of the time I'm eating not because I'm hungry, but because I'm bored and want to be entertained. This is a breakthrough for me.

When I get bored and hungry I crave sweets, salty, crunchy and fatty foods like cheese, chocolate, pretzels, chips, popcorn, greasy fast foods, etc. But those things don't satisfy because they aren't nourishing my body! Instead they bloat me which makes me feel hungry (I know, ironic, but true).

So, I've been reprogramming myself this week. I'm watching YouTube videos on sprouting, preparing whole food meals and even making soy milk! What I'm finding is that now I'm craving fruits and vegetables and whole grains and seeds and nuts and beans! This will make the transition to whole foods a lot easier than focusing on that next chocolate bar or fast food meal. In fact, I'm committed to not eating out (other than salads without dressing, wraps without dressing, maybe the Panda no more than once a month--no rice, only broccoli beef or cashew chicken minus the soup and egg roll--and taco bell fresco menu) until I'm down to 150 pounds.

You see, I don't want to diet. I want to live a full life, a long life. I want to change, not temporarily, but permanently.

Of all of the things I've taken blue chips for at CR, this is the one I've held on to for the longest, not truly surrendering until now. Ironically, weight issues were what I first went to CR for. But the layers had to be peeled and I had to get to this place where I was willing to let God teach me and lead me into what He wants for me. Even Philip yesterday agreed that this new way is looking pretty tasty and he's getting excited about it, too!

I have peace today. I almost quit last night, but Phil prayed for me and asked God that if this is what He required me to do that I'd have peace about it. It just confirms this is coming from Him not me, because I don't have the strength to keep going, but He is sustaining me. One moment at a time.

Master Cleanse days 5 & 6

2011-01-02T21:19:00.002-06:00

Happy New Year! For some reason I thought I blogged yesterday. Today has been a rough day. I'm not sure if it was emotional or what. I almost didn't make it to church because of the stomach cramps, a side effect of the salt water flush. I figured I could suffer at home or at church, so I toughed it out and went. Not sure that was the best choice.

I can't describe how I feel today. They say when you fast it opens up your emotions and makes you more sensitive to what is going on around you, more aware of what you are thinking or doing because you've stopped stuffing those emotions. I keep crying today. I'm not depressed, I just keep falling apart. So I'm asking God to show me what is making me so upset, but I really don't know yet and He's not yet shown me, so it might just be hormonal. I mean, I am 44!

I was hoping this would be some inspiriational journey like it was the first time I fasted. Maybe it's my expectations that are bumming me. I'm just not sure. But that is where I am.

Reflecting on 2010

2010-12-31T21:29:00.000-06:00

I'm amazed at how much has happend this past year, now that I'm taking the time to look back. This time last year I was pretty much just recovering from 2009. In January I lost my dear Grandma Margaret, and it was hard knowing she was gone, but I was blessed with being able to see my family, something that is rare anymore. We moved to our new home in February (no, we haven't actually bought it yet, but are working on it). We spent most of February and part of March getting settled. March through May we frantically tried to get caught up on homeschooling. This summer we house sat for friends and got to know their pets very well. Oh, and the day before they were supposed to come home we somehow managed to get four state troopers to come to their home because we thought someone had robbed them. Turns out it was just a series of errors, but those four troopers hadn't seen each other since their graduation into to force, so they had a reunion in our friends yard. Sometime during the summer God told me I needed to go back to school. I argued with Him about the finances and He told me to apply for a Pell and within 24 hours I had the funds. I told Him we couldn't afford the gas, and there were weeks it came very close, but He always provided. I told Him I wasn't smart enough and He gave me the motivation and strength to get straight A's. I told Him there was no way I'd fit in because I was so old, but my classmates are so awesome, almost like extended family!

So much has happened, and yet through it all there has been peace. Even in my failures, God has helped me stay focused on moving forward, even if it meant leaving some people behind. That was the hardest part of last year, but I truly believe God knows what He is doing even when I don't understand it.

Tonight I went to Celebrate Recovery, something I haven't done much this year. It has moved from the Family Center to the Worship Center because it has grown so much the last couple of years. Tonight was awesome. I saw a few familiar faces, but most were new and filled with that hope I remember so well from five years ago.

Has it really been almost five years? It was Friday January 13, 2006 when I first set foot in a Celebrate Recovery meeting. I'm so not that angry, depressed, anti-social, bitter, insane, complusive and totally in denial person. God is still working on me and I do believe I will grow even more this year, but I can't deny what God has done in my life.

My goals for next year are to lose about 100 pounds, finish school and make it through that 20th wedding anniversary. I think I can at least put up with Phil until May. :) Mostly, I want to grow even closer to my Lord and Savior.

Master Cleanse Day 4

2010-12-31T15:07:00.002-06:00

Hunger free! I'm even struggling to drink the lemonade today. I feel so much better. Energy! My throat is clearing up and I could actually sing today without coughing or gasping for air before the end of a line. So there I was, singing at the top of my lungs in my car and then started wondering why no one else seemed to be singing in their cars??? :)

I'm actually for the first time looking forward to the at least next 6 days. If I only do this for 10 days, tomorrow will be the halfway point. I'll listen to my body and to God after that to decide when it's time to stop. But as good as I'm feeling already, I'd say it wouldn't be a problem to go on longer.

Spiritually I feel freer today than I have in a long time. In my car I was singing and praising and talking to God. I'm lookng forward to reading through the Bible this year. Still not sure exactly how I'm going to do it, but I know God will lead me there, too. I honestly think I should pick up the NIV reader's edition and read it through like a child again. I'm not like a lot of people, I don't want to impress with my vast knowledge of the Bible, I just want to understand it for myself so that I can develop that love relationship with God. I don't want to be a preacher or even a teacher, but rather a living testiment of Christ's love. If that makes me simple, uneducated or even stupid, I don't really care. God is my Daddy. That is all I need to know. I fear I was trying to be spiritual when all I really needed was just to be His child.

Year End Review Questions:

2010-12-31T13:59:00.002-06:00

In response to the CR blog:

1. What are the 2-3 themes that personally defined 2010 for me?

Breaking through barriers is the first one that comes to mind. We had the barrier of losing everything, and yet were able to move into what looks like it will be our first home, although we are still leasing probably until January 2012. I started school, which meant overcoming many phantom barriers like insecurity, fear of failure and the wrong impression I was stupid or something! Now God is helping me to break through the barrier of my eating addiction, something I’ve struggled with for 12 years. Today, the last day of 2010, I can honestly say I’m not hungry and not reaching to food to satisfy heart hunger.

Trust: God is pushing me past my comfort zones in all areas of my life to see just how much I will trust Him. Some tests I’ve failed, and yet learned so they were complete losses. Other times I’ve realized that I am not only trusting God, but I’m also really starting to trust a few trustworthy people in my life.

Humility: God has used this year to show me where I’m most vulnerable in my life and recovery. I found my first CR step journal yesterday and was reading through it and realized that even though I’ve taken HUGES steps forward, there are still so many areas God still is fine tuning. But at least none of them surprised me, because God is giving me a humble heart that is open to change, something I’ve been praying for all year for both me and my family.

2. What people, books, accomplishments, or special moments created highlights in 2010?

Hands down going to NTI was an accomplishment for me! After failing in college in 1987 I honestly never thought I’d try again. But to not only get in and survive a semester, but to get straight A’s just proved that if I trust God, He will get me through. I truly learned through that to live one moment at a time, as I didn’t know from day to day if I’d even have gas money to make it to class.

Also, the people at NTI made me realize why God was taking me away from the church and planting me in the world. There are some amazing people out there who have no idea what their value is in God! I’m still learning that balance of reflecting Christ’s love without judgment (one of my struggles), but hope that they can see a light in me that they will want. God has opened opportunities to share His love with others. And he put at least two Christians there for encouragement and support, which has helped me a lot. You don’t understand just how judged unbelievers feel by Christians until you are a Christian being judged by unbelievers!!!

3. Give yourself a grade from 1-10 in the following areas of focus for 2010:

vocationally(9), spiritually(7), family(7), relationally(7), emotionally(9),
financially(5), physically(6), recreationally(7).

4. What am I working on that is BIG for 2011 and beyond?

I’m working on going to and finishing school and then allowing God to lead me to where He needs me to be. I wouldn’t have even tried this if God hadn’t told me to one day. So I have to trust Him to lead me to where He wants me, so I have no fear of getting a job next fall.

I’m also working on losing 100 pounds. It’s time. There is a beautiful, healthy, vibrant person trapped beneath these layers, and I’m ready for God to do surgery. He’s told me how He wants it done, and I’m doing it. God is faithful to meet our needs, and for my health sake, I need to take off the weight! But I can only do it in His power and strength!

5. As I move into 2011, is a majority of my energy being spent on things that drain me or things that energize me?

Family and school energize me. Friends energize me. I’ve pretty much cut out all of the draining things in my life to survive school. So I’d say I probably spend 85% of my time on things that energize me, and then the other 15% I clean my house, which energizes me when it’s done, but drains me while I’m doing it!

6. How am I preparing for 10 years from now? 20 years from now?

I’ve always been a planner. Last year I would have put a long list here. But the truth is God is preparing those 10 and 20 years. I’m just living moment by moment, day by day and following His lead. Following, that is how I’m preparing.

7. What 2-3 things have I been putting off that I need to execute on before the end of the year?

Nothing. I’ve already at least started everything God has been telling me to do.

A Clearer Mind

2010-12-30T20:41:00.002-06:00

Today has been an interestingly simple one for me. Phil took the kids to go cut firewood, so I stayed home and started to deep clean. I was sorting through a lot of papers and notebooks and hit my CR journal from almost 5 years ago. In it was my first inventory. I'd forgotten just how many people I was angry at back then. It felt good to see that those things don't touch me anymore.

After my first inventory this was what I wrote:

I went through my first inventory with P. It wasn't as bad as I thought. This is what I learned:

The phone is my friend--a tool to keep me connected.
I tend to isolate myself.
I struggle with the issues of trust, security and self-esteem.
I need to define who I am.
I need to work on social skills.

So, here I am a half a decade later, with a clearer mind, freed from most of the clutter of the past. I do use my phone, at least once a week now, something I don't remember doing the first year after I wrote this. I still tend to isolate, but I now don't allow it for more than a week. I try to at least pick up the phone or invite someone over, even if I don't feel like it. Still, when I'm in the mode, the person I invite over can easily talk me out of it. I still struggle with trust, security and self-esteem at times, but find that at least now I can trust God, feel secure in my relationship with Him and find my value in Him. I now define myself at a child of God. Finally, my social skills, which were once non-existant, have very much improved!

It also occurred to me that it was almost five years ago that I started that 10 day juice fast, and that was when God lead me to Fellowship and CR. I know during that time I was reading the Bible through for the very first time from cover to cover (I'd read it through in sections, but not ever sitting down and reading it from the beginning to the end).

So, I was thinking that maybe that is what I should do, because I know how much God showed me that year. I keep doing 'bible studies' that really don't go through any part of the Bible, and I have to be honest and say in a way that really bothers me. Not the studies, but that it has been all I've been doing, as if I'm avoiding God's word. I find myself again and again doing the open the book, put my finger in it and read it method, and maybe that is why I'm feeling so disconnected from God.

Master Cleanse Day 3

2010-12-30T13:43:00.005-06:00

Energy. I thought today would be the worst, but it really isn't. My mind is clearing and I was able to go through a bunch of papers I've been avoiding for months. Although I'm not at 100%, I estimate my energy levels to have increased by about 24%.

Physical depression has finally lifted. I've been able to turn my emotional depression over to God, but the physical depression was simply not going away. I was finding it hard to smile again, a sure sign of low serotonin levels. It still is hard to smile, but doesn't hurt anymore. I know that most people won't get that, but those who struggle with physical depression will.

I did add some spirulina to my juice today. Not much, just enough to keep my blood sugar from dipping. I'll only be doing it for today, then I will cut it out unless I feel lightheaded or dizzy.

I took my measurments yesterday. I've also included a pretty recent picture of me in front of the Christmas tree at church. I hated the way I looked there, and realized the fat isn't just going to go away.

I want to talk a bit today about how I see myself when there are no mirrors. This is what has made my struggle to lose weight even harder. I don't feel fat. Tired, yes. Fat, no. When I step away from the mirror I feel like I'm 25 and fit, espeically when I'm exercising. I feel like I should look, and then get totally shocked when I see how I really look. Maybe it's reverse anorexia, but I can now see how an anorexic could feel fat even though they weigh nothing! Your mind can deceive you.

Things I do notice now that I'm forcing myself to be aware:

My fingers are swollen a lot
My stomach rolls up when I sit down
My ankles are always swollen
My face feels puffy when I touch it
My joints hurt, which I know if from the extra weight

After three days I'm noticing small changes. Mostly the pain levels starting to go down. And the ENERGY!

Here is what I look like today:

Days 1 and 2 of Master Cleanse fast

2010-12-29T15:36:00.003-06:00

I didn't post yesterday because I knew day one would be the hardest day of the fast psychologically. I had to break through that phantom barrier that I would starve if I skipped a meal. I think all the research I did on this cleanse has helped. I know that although I'm fasting from food and chewing, I am still getting at least 1200-2000 calories a day, and can drink more of the lemonaide if I want, but it really does satisfy and fill you up, so it is hard to drink more that 64 oz, especially when you have to drink a quart of sea salt water in the morning and a cup of tea at night.

Today and tomorrow will be the hardest physically. I have a headache from having no coffee or chocolate for over 48 hours now. It probably would have been better for me to ease in, but I kept making excuses to put it off, so finally just did it. I didn't eat meat 24 hours before the fast, so that made it a bit easier, too.

Today I weigh 251.4 pounds. I'm on the third day of my period (it started just as I decided to start the fast, but I decided not to put it off anymore). Interestingly, this has been the least painful period I've had in years, probably because the bloating has gone away.

Yesterday I accidentally added too much cayenne to my lemonaide. It burned my throat, so I will be only adding half of the recommended until my body gets used to it.

Today I tried juicing my lemons with the Champion juicer instead of the hand juicer. It put too much fiber in it, and also it tasted slightly bitter. I'll be hand juicing from here on out!

Spiritually I'm still struggling. There is a barrier there right now that I don't understand, so I'm praying God will break through it. I've not decided yet what to study, but will by tonight.

I did put the Christmas tree up today, and started cleaning the kitchen. Right now I can resist the temptation to eat, but I want to turn the kitchen completely over to Kaleta and Phil by tomorrow, so that I will only have to spend a minimal amount of time there. I'm also going to start doing my quiet time at dinner, so that I'm not stuck sitting in the living room watching everyone else eat. That is very hard.

I will also take my measurements tonight, I wanted to wait until after the initial period bloat was gone so that it didn't factor into it.

I know today's post is technical rather than spiritual, but that is really where my head is right now.

Master Cleanse

2010-12-27T17:57:00.005-06:00

When I was going through the Significant Woman this past fall, one of the women told me about the Master Cleanse. So, I've spent the last few days researching it and after finding out that Ozark Natural Foods in Fayetteville has bulk grade b maple syrup at a reasonable price, I've decided to give it a try.

Today is the transition day. The next three days, if it is anything like a juice fast, will be the hardest. The good news is I really like the "lemonade" made with real lemons and maple syrup and I can tolerate the salt water flush, although I don't really like that part of the whole thing. The bad news is that I will have to do this for at least 10 straight days for it to do any good, and I'd like to try to stay on it for at least 30 days so I can take some of this weight off.

This is how I'm feeling today:

Tired
Weak
Mental fog
Ezcema behind my right ear
Tightness in my throat that doesn't seem to go away
Mucus in my throat that never goes away (seriously, I've had a gunked up throat for about, well, five years since my last fast)
Moody
Swollen finger joints, knees and ankles (especially if I drink soda)
Water retention--especially bloat in my belly that is very tight and uncomfortable
Acid reflux
Difficulty sleeping
Difficulty waking up in the morning
A need for an afternoon nap
Obese (current weight: 255 pounds)

Let's face it, I'm getting old, I'm fat and if I don't take off this spare tire I'm going to fall apart soon.

But that is not the only thing that is bothering me. I've found myself lately using food as my comforter again. Going on a juice fast (or this 'lemonaide diet") takes food out of the equation. It's not enough for me during this to just obstain from food. I need to get back into the Word again. I also need to journal more frequently.

So, although I will NOT post these until I'm done with my cleanse, I will write everyday and post them afterwards, just like I did six years ago.

I haven't yet decided what I will be reading during this fast, but will make up my mind tonight. During this time of healing I want to accomplish the following things:

Focusing on God's Word (whether it be one book, one chapter or one verse) for at least 15 minutes per day

Riding my exercise bike at least 15 minutes per day

Making it a point to sit out in the sun at least 10 minutes per day

Organizing my home

Eliminating clutter by giving away things I don't need that are just getting in the way

Journaling every day

This will be an interesting journey, I'm sure.

Today I ate normal until about 3 p.m., than drank 16 oz of 'lemonaide' (juice of two lemons, 4 T of grade b maple syrup, 1/5 t of cayenne pepper and 16 oz of distilled water), and I will have some sliced tomatoes and some fresh apple/carrot juice for dinner. I will drink a cup of herbal tea and go to bed early. Tomorrow morning I will do the salt flush first thing, then drink only the lemonaide for the rest of the, well ,week.

I pray that God will cut through the crap of my life, and I do mean that literally. I pray He will open my eyes to everything I need to remove and draw me to Him and the things He wants in my life. I've been very distracted by the world lately, it's time I get back online with my Savior!

Free Gifts!!!

2010-12-14T16:05:00.000-06:00

Christmas time is a wonderful time of the year for most. But for other's it brings sadness, insecurity, depression and even doubt. So many Christmases this is where I've been, because of hard times and inconvenient times. With construction this is usually the time of year jobs start dwindling and income slows to a trickle. So many times I've wanted to get my kids something, anything, but just didn't have anything to give. Or at least that is what I used to think!

As a Christian I’m online with a resource even more valuable than Amazon.com when it comes to finding the perfect gift. God has an abundance of gifts to give us. His riches are beyond comprehension. Plus, the price is right for any budget because the gifts He gives, he gives freely. Yep, you heard me right—no money down, no cash payments EVER.

I’ll be honestly, some of those gifts we don't really want and some of those gifts we covet. For example, I love to sing, and always wished God would have blessed me with a beautiful and consistent musical talent. I mean, I can carry a tune, but I'm no rock star. I used to pray God would give me that gift, but that wasn’t in His plan.

Instead He chose instead to give me other gifts, gifts that some people don't necessarily see as valuable, like my gift with computers. It took me a long time to see the value of that gift and how I could use it for His glory.

There are other less desirable gifts, but one God sometimes chooses to give us. What about the gift of poverty? I mean, Matthew 19:24 says, “Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.” Translation—people who are rich and have everything they need are a lot less apt to turn to God and a lot more apt to worship riches.

America is a rich country. Let’s face it, most Americans will never know poverty the way foreign countries do. But these rough times have brought me a taste. I know what it is to have creditors call constantly. I know what it feels like to have to choose between paying the rent or buying food for my kids. I know what it feels like to not be able to give my kids new clothes, to be ashamed because all they have to wear at times has been too small or worn out or totally out of fashion. I know what it is like to only get my hair cut twice a year and then only be able to afford to go to the Cosmetology school. I know what it’s like to not be able to go to the doctor when I’m hurting or how much it hurts to see my husband not go to the dentist until he’s so sick he can’t even think because he has an abscess and no insurance. I know what it’s like to watch my dog suffer and slowly die because I can’t afford a vet. I know what it is like to have to live with my in-laws because we couldn't afford to put a roof over our heads. I know what it is like to have no Christmas presents under the tree because there was no money to buy them.

There was a time this led to sorry, shame, guilt, anger, doubt, depression and fear, but something changed. I finally decided to open the gifts God had given me. They were almost invisible, yet readily available, and I didn’t even have to wait for Christmas morning!

Last year I saw one of those gifts be unwrapped by my daughter, and that gift reminded me of how one gift leads to another. That gift was . . .

The gift of COMPASSION. My daughter knew last year she wasn't going to get much for Christmas. This hadn't been the first hard Christmas for her, so she knew how hard that would be on Cordel. She could have griped and complained or made a long wish list thinking only of herself. That would have lead her to disappointment, though. Instead she made her brother a gift so he would have something to open on Christmas morning--an amazing crocheted horse with a medieval blanket. The gift of compassion opens up your world and allows you to see people as Christ sees them. It allows you to feel their pain, which allows you to minister to them in ways beyond your comprehension. You start to see the value in others, and desire more for relationships than material things. Then, just like my daughter having compassion and empathy for my son, this gift almost always leads to . . .

The gift of GIVING. I think of the story in the Bible when the woman gave two coins and that was all she had. Why did she do that? It's the same reason that I can't pass a Salvation Army bell without putting some change in, even if it's just a nickel. It's because that gift does mean something. Those nickels, dimes and quarters add up. Someone who has been cold or hungry or needy is much more apt to understand how important those small gifts are. If we all gave in our abundance there would be no need for those bells and red buckets, because we have enough globally for everyone to be taken care of. In hard times, if you don't let your faith die or your heart harden, then you will become a giver even in times of hardship. And giving brings on . . .

The gift of JOY. I can't help but think of the scene in the Grinch Whole Stole Christmas when his cold hard heart was softened but the unconditional joy of the Whos. Joy is a gift Christ will give in hardship, but so many people choose to reject it. Joy is contagious! It's hard to be sad or discontent around joyful people. Joy helps sustain you through hard times and brings on . . .

The gifts of HOPE and EDURANCE. “ Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Phil 3:12-14 I used to be so depressed and felt so hopeless all of the time. If things were going good, I was great. If they got hard, I'd start griping and complaining. I had no endurance. Looking back most of those trials were incredibly temporary. Then there was the whole spec house thing, which lasted over four years. One night I found myself, right before the spec house foreclosed, sitting in the bathtub in the master bedroom of the spec house wondering how God could allow us to spend four years and invest so much of our time and money into something only to have us lose it all. But then God opened my eyes to all I had gained! That spec house brought Phil and I closer than ever. We worked together as a couple and as a family. It brought Stephen home and transplanted him back into our family after some hard times he'd gone through (which is probably why he helped, remember that whole compassion gift!). Endurance is a great gift. It strengthens our faith and develops . . .

The gift of PATIENCE. Now, this is a gift I used to pray for, but didn’t like what getting it meant. The thought did cross my mind that the years of hardship I had to endure were due to the prayer of a 14-year-old girl for patience. You see, I just wanted the gift for Christmas that year, right then and there, just to fall in my lap. But God’s gifts sometimes are wrapped up in box after box, layer after layer. You’ve had those gifts, haven’t you? You rip off the paper and open the box only to find another and another and wonder if there really is anything in the box at all??? But the gift in that set up is usually small but valuable, something you will cherish. That is how it is with patience. Once you have it, appreciate how much easier life is with it. Of course, I always seem just a box or two away from it still! Patience is important for preparing for the next gift . .

The gift of TRUST. Trust is one of the most precious gifts God has developed in me. I’ve learned to trust Him in hard times. Trust allows you to be free to tell God how you really feel. It lets you cry and laugh and open your heart to those deep dark places so God can shine His Light in. Trust is an awesome gift, but is often returned for doubt when hard times return. Such a shame, because trust leads to . . .

The gift of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. This gift is the hardest for wounded people to accept and for people in abundance to appreciate. It’s so beyond our comprehension that we look at it and think it must be meant for someone else. Nope, you’re wrong. This gift is for you and me and anyone who asks for it.

Sometimes I forget I have these gifts, especially when I look under our very bare Christmas tree. I place my precious gifts in a box somewhere that I think I’ll be able to find easily when I need them next, but I forget they are so close when times of trouble come rushing in.

I think this year I’ll pull them all out and place them on the walls of my house so I don’t forget about them. The greatest part about these gifts is that they are to be shared. I don’t have to feel guilty because I have them, because God has plenty of spiritual gifts to go around for all of us. My prayer this year is that He’ll remind you of all the gifts He’s giving you and bless you with many, many more!

Merry Christmas!!!

My New Little Study

2010-11-21T21:33:00.002-06:00

Tonight I'm sitting in my new little study. It's really our RV. It's quiet out here, and relaxing. Since it was home for so long, it also feels like home. It already has a desk in it because we used the desk for homeschooling when we lived in the RV. It had a nice table for projects and a couch for naps. :) I'm also going to bring a TV in so I can watch class related videos.

I guess that is about all because the purpose of this little study is to have a place for me to do my homework, which I really need to finish now.

But I am thankful for my little study. :)

The Phone Incident of 2010

2010-10-19T11:10:00.005-05:00

This weekend we bought my daughter a new phone. It took her almost three months to decide for sure what she wanted. She had to pay for any extra services, so she carefully weighed if it were worth it to buy an Iphone and pay for a data plan or just get a phone that could handle texting. After looking at the price of the phones and the plans, she decided on the later. We purchased her phone and she came home eager to learn how to use it.

Yesterday I came home after a pretty long and trying day at school to face a daughter who had a look of total fear in her eyes. My first question to her was, "Why didn't you answer any of my texts or phone calls?" I had been trying to let her know I was coming home a bit early, but couldn't reach her.

Her response was preceeded but a large gulp and a deep breath. I knew this wasn't going to be good. I sat there and listened as she explained that she had totally zapped (or rather locked out) the SIM card on her new phone. Not only had she lost all of her contacts, she couldn't even use her phone to call customer service. Basically, her phone was worthless until we got a new SIM card.

I have to admit for a brief moment I considered taking the phone and tossing it across the room and telling her that she could just do without. After all, I am a mother. But she wasn't finished with her story. So, after telling her this definitely wasn't what I needed to hear at that moment, I listened in amazement as she continued her story.

Apparently after her phone went caput and she realized she couldn't call out, she got into her car and drove over to a neighbor's house and asked to use their phone to call customer service. My friend was more than happy to help, especially since Kaleta apparently told her it was a life or death situation. I think she actually used the word 'murder' somewhere in there.

She called ATT customer service, explained to them what was going on with the phone, they delievered the bad news and told her what to do next. She was told if she went to Sam's club where we purchased the phone that they could replace the SIM card for abou t$25, or she could find an ATT service center and they could replace it for free.

She stood in front of me, brave considering she thought I was capable of murder, owning up to her responsibility in how the phone was damaged and prepared with a solution. All she really needed from me was to help her find a local service center. She made it very clear she was more than willing to pay whatever it cost to fix her phone.

All of a sudden any anger or frustration I had dissipated. How could I not be impressed with this young adult before me?

So I took her to the ATT service center, who about gave Kaleta a heart attack when they joked it would only cost $75 to replace the SIM card (it was free). Then she took me to Sonics and treated me to onion rings and slushy for my troubles.

I think Phil and I have done a pretty good job raising an independent child. :)

Absence

2010-09-27T11:41:00.002-05:00

Last week was Phil's first full week in Kansas City. He left at 3 a.m. on Monday morning and got home right around 8:30 p.m. with a nice beard and a smile on his face. But he had to go to work an hour later, so around midnight since I couldn't sleep I decided to go to work with him.

I showed up and we ate some leftover chili together and talked. Then I decided to vaccuum the 'peanut', which is a sort of peanut shaped rug in the middle of the foyer of the church he cleans. Since I helped he got done pretty quickly, so we went and watched Glee on Hulu during his break. It was quite the nice date.

Absence truly does make the heart grow fonder. We appreciate what little time we have with each other, and missing each other doesn't hurt the romance part of our marriage one bit.

I do look forward to the church finding someone to replace Phil so we can have more time on the weekend for family activities, but until then we will continue to appreciate what we do have, and be thankful that God provided Phil with an easier job that allows him to sleep at night.

This morning I woke up and Phil was gone. I called him on the way to school. I will probably talk to him on the phone again tonight. I will look forward to Friday when I can give him a hug and see just how thick that beard is getting.

Back To School

2010-09-17T14:07:00.003-05:00

I'm a true believer that we are never too old to learn. I'm not just talking about school learning, but also learning life lessons. Returning to school after 23 years is definitely expanding my education in all areas.

What have I learned about myself since I've returned to school? I've learned I actually do have a brain and that I still has some unused brain cells somewhere in there--it just takes a bit longer to access them. I've learned that I really do think logically. I enjoy things like flowcharting, working algebraic equations and writing technically almost as much as creatively. I've learned that I like all people, no matter if they are older or younger or my age.

I'm amazed at how much teenagers have changed and yet how much they are just like I was at their age. The terminology is a bit different, but the attitudes are the same. I so enjoy lunch with the young crowd as they are so lively, positive and interesting, when you can pull their attention away from the gameboys.

I was amazed that there are so many military people at our school. I had totally forgotten about the GI bill. The GI's are awesome, they worked very hard to get where they are and also have discipline that other students their age seem to lack a bit.

Even though I am old I am not the oldest in our class. In fact, there are several generations in our group. The oldest sometimes struggles, but she is determined and willing to learn, something I have to respect. Some of the teachers are pretty hard on her, so I try to go out of my way to encourage her. She is very intellegent, but comes from a generation that didn't have all of this tech stuff, and it's the conceptual stuff she struggles with. She's in networking, so once she gets to the hands on part she will be fine.

Differences are so good. They keep us jumping, growing and changing. Differences sometimes intrigue us, challenge us or entertain us and other times frustrate, annoy or anger us.

What I didn't realize until I returned to school was just how much I have taught myself over the past few years. When my old boss put on my evaluation that I was not a lifelong learner, it really uspet me because I knew it was not true at all, but it also challenged me to be sure it never became true of me. School has just confirmed to me that I'm not afraid to keep on learning and changing.

The most interesting thing about going back to school was the assumption that it would somehow throw me off balance. Honestly, although I'm a bit tired, it has actually balanced me. I have to go to bed early and I have to be up by six to get on to the interstate before the 7:30 rush. I have to do my homework at school if possible, so no procrastinating. I have to hold the kids' accountable for homeschool and chores and I can't let them do it in their own timing, because I need to have that dishwasher unloaded so I can do the dishes at night, and the homework has to be complete so I can check it every night before I go to bed. Honestly, the flow of our home life is actually creating a calm I'm quite enjoying.

I can't believe a whole month has already passed since I started! I have a feeling this year is going to fly by. Then I'll get a whole new challenge of working full-time so Phil can have this experience.

I'm so glad God has expanded my mission and challenged me to do something I've wanted to do for years. Life is good, God is awesome!

Facing My Fears

2010-08-16T00:48:00.002-05:00

When I went to Celebrate Recovery Summit in 2007 I discovered that everything at Saddleback seemed to have acronyms. That included fear. According to them fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. That really hit me hard, but I had sort of forgotten about that until today when I was reflecting back about that mountain top experience at Summit after seeing all of the pictures and posts from the team there now.

I also recall nailing many of my fears to the cross. But one thing I didn't nail to the cross was fear itself. And looking back over the last couple of years I'm seeing that fear still has a stronghold in my life.

Joy was not a part of my life in 2007. Everything was so complicated, depressing, stressful. I kept waiting for joy, but it never seemed to come my way. And yet somewhere between 2008 and 2010 joy found me.

Guess what I learned today? There is only one way to destroy fear, to chase it away like a dog with it's tail between it's legs. That one thing is joy. I also learned that joy is a choice. And when we choose joy, which looks different in different situation, we are chosing to live a life of abundance in God.

Because joy, unlike happiness which comes and goes according to circumstances, is a fruit that you start to bear as you grow stronger in Christ. And it sort of just popped out of one of my branches today. Maybe because today I'm really resting in Him. I'm chosing not to panic (unlike yesterday) or assume or dread, but just to be a branch and sway in the wind. Okay, so maybe a bird will poop on me or I might go through some dry times or maybe some weed will try to choke me out and that might not be comfortable, but it's part of being a branch. Sometimes stuff just happens because that is where you are planted.

Abundance focuses on holding on to the vine, because if I do allow myself to break I will dry up and shrivel to nothingness. I am nothing without God.

I feel so weak at times, but I look back at all I've faced over the last couple of years and know that I don't have to worry about my strength because God is strong enough to carry me through it all. I can lose financial security, a car, a house, a loved one or even lose my sanity, but I can't lose God,and His grace, love and mercy.

The problem with fear is it robs your focus, and that in turn can drain your joy and weaken your spirit. And it's all a lie. God hasn't forsaken you. It isn't the end of the world. It's not the worst thing that can happen.

Let's take last summer. I feared quitting my job and still being able to pay bills. I feared losing my dog, Sparky, to cancer. I feared losing the spec house we had worked so hard for. I feared losing my sanity. I feared losing my marriage.

I did quit my job and there were times we couldn't pay the bills, but there were other times we ended up with enough to cover what we were behind on. Sparky lost a leg, not her life, in fact she is more lively now than before she lost her leg--and funny thing is that dog doesn't miss it one bit. We did lose the spec house, but God has blessed us with a home of our own at a price we can almost afford, and even though we've been late a couple of times on payments, He has always provided for it. I did let my sanity slip a bit more than I'd like to admit, but I never lost it. God kept me moving forward in my healing, and even felt I was strong enough to give me tests that I may have scraped by with a C-, but I did pass (which means I probably should study a bit more!). Finally, I can honestly say my marriage is stronger than it has been in years. The thing that almost destroyed it was the secret that had to come out and be faced so we could work through it together, and we have and are beyond it now.

False
Evidence
Appearing
Real

When you really look at it that way it seems sort of silling wasting so much time on it.

"Taking this sinful world as it is, not as we would have it. Trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to your will. So that I can be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy in the next. Amen" This is the part of the Serenity Prayer I really have to hold on to in hard times. Life is messy and usually won't work out the way I wanted it. But what do I think my life would my life look like now if I'd had it my way.

I would have kept my job and my son probably still wouldn't be able to read (I had to work with him a lot this last year to get him caught up--I was so busy working I had no idea he couldn't read). My dog would have been put to sleep. We would have bought the spec house and then lost it because even with both Phil and I working two full time jobs we wouldn't be able to make the payments. I would have left my husband when things got rough because the only thing that kept me from leaving was God telling me to trust Him and more than likely I would have lost my family and my sanity.

I may not have understood last year what was going on, just like I'm not understanding right now what is going on, but I have to remind myself that it's not about me at all. It's about God, and bringing Him glory. God has pointed out some things I need to work on and is growing me more, forcing me to trust in Him instead of what I see. Instead of griping and complaining and fearing why shouldn't I choose to rejoice and trust? Which really makes more sense???

And now that my focus has been taken away from fear and frustration what I see is all the good that is coming out of this. I have an amazing husband, content kids and a three-legged dog, not to mention the rest of our little zoo, who all love me, but not as much as my Heavenly Father loves me.

Psalm 71:19-21 blows me away today, because it is like David read my mind.
"Your righteousness reaches to the skies, Oh, God, You who have done GREAT things. Who, oh God, is like You? Though You have made me see troubles, many and bitter, YOU WILL restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will AGAIN bring me up. You WILL increase my honor and comfort me once again." Because you are the perfect Father and I love you so very much.

Just Breathe

2010-08-13T22:20:00.002-05:00

Today has been a rough day, but looking back I see why it had to happen. You see, today I was going to go to CR and pick up a 4 year chip for recovery from ACA issues. What I had forgotten was that every year about this time of year some major crisis came to challenge me and test my growth. Last year it was the spec house foreclosing. The year before that it was something else but I'm drawing a blank right now. Hum? Guess it wasn't that much of a crisis. :)

Although I'm not going to on Facebook talk about what led to my minor breakdown today (actually, this whole week), I can tell you what I learned about myself.

First, I still triangulate. I've done this in a minor way a few times, but a couple of weeks ago a friend called with a crisis that involved someone else and I tried to step in and fix it, so not only did I triangulate (or allow myself to be used by someone else to deal with a problem that was between them and someone else), but I also crossed the boundaries of the third party.

I then ignored my own needs to work on fixing this other person's crisis. I did things physically that I shouldn't be doing, stayed up late, drank a lot of pop to keep me going (which made my ankles swell and probably what caused the extreme leg pain last week) and didn't eat healthy at all. Because I hurt my knee once again I couldn't exercise for four days (and honestly have only gotten on my bike once since that happened). Most importantly I passed up on church and stopped doing my quiet time (because I was not home much). There are other things, but it would be too much information. But you get the drift.

Then, when I did get hurt I felt guilty for finally saying 'no'. I was so tired I even told a lie to the third party to ensure I could get myself out of that situation.

So what I learned about myself is that while I'm going to school, I will have to set up clear, defined boundaries. I will have to say 'no' to everything extra. It's the only way I will be able to survive, because I can guarantee if I have a crisis there are only two people I can trust to be by my side other than my husband, and for the next year those are the only two people I'm going to invest any major amounts of my time and energy in, because they also choose to invest their time and energy in me. They are teaching me what real friendships look like. That is a hard lesson for me to learn.

An ACA's concept of friendship is pleasing your friend and sacrificing your own needs. Not wants, needs. But it's not healthy. It's depleteing and it pulls your attention from God.

A true friend puts God first, their family second and their friends third. This isn't selfishness, this is wisdom. And true friends respect you when you do the same. True friends when they see you in pain actually notice, and would definitely encourage you to take care of yourself before you take care of their problem. A true friend actually knows you so well they know your problems and they would understand why you were falling apart. They would get it. A true friend holds you accountable, even when it's painful to hear (and painful to say). I true friend loves you unconditionally, not just when you say 'yes'. A true friend will not only come over when they are invited, but will invite you too. In fact, a true friend doesn't mind if you show up on their doorstep sobbing, and you look forward to the unexpected visits from them.

Facebook gives the illusion of friendships. I can't even remember how many facebook friends I have, but I still enjoy seeing bits and fragments of their life as they pop in and out--it makes me feel connected even if they have forgotten they friended me and have no idea I'm reading what they post.

However, as far at true friends, I have two that have proven themselves, my husband and three that I'm starting to trust, but that every time we get close they pull away--but I understand where they are coming from because they have been burned before, too, and true friendships are afraid to take some time or to make themselves vulnerable to hurting people who might hurt them (this is the area of true friendship I'm struggling with now).

The most important lessons I learned today came from two of the three of who are taking those steps even closer to becoming true friends. One reminded me that recovery is a process, one step at a time. The other reminded me of how far I have come and that I needed to extend myself some grace.

I'm not perfect. I never will be. That is hard for me to swallow at times. I want so much to please God all of the time, to be a good wife all of the time, to be a good mother all of the time and to learn how to be a healthy friend (and how to choose them). That is the giant I face--my own self-defeating me.

I'm reminded of a song I have thought of for a LONG time. It used to really confuse me in high school. All of a sudden it makes perfect sense.

Too Many Times (words by Deborah Smith, lyrics by Michael W Smith)

Who do I hope to finally be?
Is it not your life in me?
Yet the how's too hard to see
Too many times

Will I ever finally be
The true intended me?
Will the old in me be freed
And left behind?

Chorus:
Too many times
I'm back inside
Wanting desperately to hide
Yet I know, I know you say
You have to die
Too many times
You hear my cries
I'm at the end of all my tries
So, I'm open Lord, so
Teach me how to die

Here I am again alone
Afraid I'll lose all that I own
Yet you see me as your one
I cannot fall

And what I am I still am not
At times I count the cost
Yet I find there's nothing lost
If I give it all

Chorus

I used to think this song was talking about killing yourself or something (hey, I was in high school and had limited understanding of scripture), but it's really talking about letting go of the old way of thinking, the old programming of the sinful nature, and actually allowing God to transform me. It means letting go of control and really, truly trusting God.

I do have to ask myself if I really, truly believe I cannot fail? Life right now feels like a failure. I failed my husband and my kids last week. Mostly I failed myself. I wasn't lovingly parenting myself. I was just standing in the background watching myself get beaten down by life. I wasn't even allowing God to be the loving parent He is.

But this song isn't talking about perfection, it's talking about salvation. I cannot fall away from God's grace because He sees me as His child. I might fall down, get bruised, beaten, brokenhearted, faint, etc, but it won't change the fact that I am His and He will do what is best for me, even if what is best is letting me experience a little discomfort to He can prove Himself to me.

I should have gone tonight and picked up that 4 year chip. Not because I've earned it, but because God has honored it. He is continuing to grow me, to change me and to love me unconditionally. He earned it for me. I don't deserve it. I never will. It's a gift.

Having said that, I don't need a coin to measure how far I've come anymore. I have honest friends who let me know when I'm falling and when I'm moving forward. God has blessed me that way. Not with quantity, but with quality. I have a husband who, even in his own personal crisis for today, was an example to me, holding me accountable but still encouraging me not to quit. He is a true friend and I love him so much.

Recovery never is finished.

Relapse

2010-08-13T14:42:00.002-05:00

This week I should have taken my 4 year chip for recovery over ACA issues. But I can't. I fear I've relapsed.

Why do I fear this? First of all, I took on someone else's emergency, not once, but several times over the last couple of weeks. Secondly, I lied to my husband about something someone said. It was the ACA issue where you speak truth into you fears, basically interpretating what you think someone was feeling and putting words to it. But they didn't actually say it, so I was lying. Finally, I again find myself with no support, isolating not on purpose, but becuase one by one my friends and accountability partners have let me down, except for two--both of who are on the road right now and I can't reach them.

As a result of me trying to help fix a situation for my husband and allowing my friend to call me and bring me into a triangulation position on a job he's been working on, I not only cost us probably getting paid for the job, but definitely a friendship because since I was acting like and ACA, being too giving and helpful, I set us up to be used.

I am choosing to forgive her, though, for my sake. I have to let this go and trust God to provide for our financial needs. It might mean me having to sell the silver my mother gave me, which would hurt more than you know because I've already had to sell some and felt sick every time. Or it might mean we lose our house, but I have to trust that if we do God will take us someplace even better.

Mostly I need to forgive myself for lying, being gullable, allowing myself to be manipulated and for then blaming everyone else for the poor choices I've made.

So, if I do go to CR tonight, I'll be taking a blue chip. It's okay to admit you've failed and that you need to start over. Most importantly I need to give myself grace and also credit for how far God has taken me on this journey. I would have never, ever admitted to lying to Phil four years ago. I would have allowed him to make a fool of himself defending me so I could save face with him. It just hurts me so much that I did lie to Phil, because that hurt him.

God, please help me. Amen.

Fear of Rejection

2010-07-17T01:10:00.000-05:00

As an Adult Child of a Dysfunctional family, I often felt rejected and alone growing up. I could swear no one even noticed when I was missing. One time I took one of those Barbie beauty shop heads, you remember the life sized ones that you could cut and style their hair, and put it on a pillow and dressed it up in some of my clothes and put it in the little rocking chair in my room with a sign that said something like, "Guess where I am?" and then hid in the closet. I think I was in there for most of the day and in to the night. My parents didn't even miss me at dinner time. They never did see what I had done because they didn't come looking for me.

Later, in junior high I became the bottom of the totem poll. I was dubbed "Stuffy" when one of the popular girls decided I must have stuffed my bra, and for the next three years I would endure things like having my locker stuffed with tissues or toilet paper, having foam from the high jump pit thrown at me and being called 'Stuffy" by even the unpopular kids and teachers. At lunch time you had to sit at a table to eat, or you couldn't eat. I went through the eighth and ninth grades without lunch, and went from a 5'1" 86 pound girl to a 5'4" 75 pound girl. I think part of me wanted to disappear. Back then no on talked about anorexia, but I'm pretty sure that is what I had.

We did move and I went to an awesome high school where we were more like family than anything else, and that was a blessing. But I never really let myself get close to anyone, except maybe Kelly and Glenn, who where two years younger than me. But I'm sure they had no clue of a lot of stuff I had gone through in my life.

I realize now that I never really had close girlfriends, most of my friends were boys on through college. I went from one boyfriend to another, because I didn't know how to have a relationship that would qualify as 'just friends'. I was either a casual aquaintance or engaged. Through my two years of college I would 'fall in love' seven times, and get dumped at least 20 because I kept going back to the same losers. I couldn't handle rejection, because to be rejected would mean I wasn't loved.

I thought I had worked through most of these issues until tonight. This week I got very brave and sent out an invite to my house on Saturday. I have done this once before since I moved, a small pre-housewarming to my closest friends. I would like to say I wasn't hurting as I sat in my livingroom with my best friend, Jeannie, and played with some of my educational toys that I keep in my livingroom. Don't get me wrong, Jeannie and I made the best of it and had an enjoyable time, but honestly it hurt that no one came, not even just to peak in and see my house. I told myself it was because I picked a bad time, that it was a weekday and everyone probably had to work.

But tonight as I looked to see the only person who had accepted the offer was my niece I had to ask myself if I could handle sitting in the livingroom with my niece, who I wanted to introduce to all of my friends, and not break down if no one else showed up. I honestly couldn't say, "No". So I decided to cancel.

Now, this is a huge step for me, because I am taking care of myself. But now I fear I will never put myself out there again. It reminds me of something my friend Curtis once shared with me.

Curtis was in love with a girl named Mary when we were in high school. The problem was that she wanted to get married and he wanted to wait until he graduated from college so he could support her. They both felt they were called into the mission field (and he is a missionary now), but she couldn't wait. So she broke up with him.

However, they had already both signed up for a trip to Germany where they would be miming to explain God's love without the language barrier. In their skit he had to give her his heart, and she had to keep crushing it and throwing it down and he had to keep picking it up and offering it to her again. He said it was the hardest thing he ever had to do, because he knew the skit was about forgiveness, and he was so hurt, but he did love her and he chose to forgive her.

They never did get married, but that really isn't the point. It's so hard for me to put my heart out their, and maybe I've not been honest with myself. I do have two very dear best friends and a handful of women I trust and respect. But the truth is that hurt people hurt people. I know I have, and I know that I will have to be hurt again and again, and I'll have to keep picking up my heart and offering it again.

But tomorrow I just can't do it. Phil is gone and he's my anchor. Jeannie's somewhere in Oregon. And Becky, well, she can't be here because she's in Mexico. :) I appreciate the friends who would come despite their overloaded schedules, but they need to spend SOME time with their family and get some rest, too. :) (K & F, you know who you are).

The funny thing was that I planned my little party so I wouldn't be lonely, and yet I haven't felt as lonely tonight since before I started CR. I know it's just a feeling based on Satan's lies, but it really did get to me and I'm still somewhat obsessing over it.

If you are this far, could you please pray for me. I'm really struggling through this. I'm trying so hard not to take things personally, but it's hard when it's happened twice, so I know it will be extremely hard for me to ever do this again. I need prayer that I won't totally shut down.

Thank you, Jesus, for the true friends that I have. Don't let Satan for one second trick me into thinking they don't care just because they already had plans. Please help me to sleep and help me to focus on who I am in You. In Jesus Precious Name, Amen

Verbal Reality--Why you can't believe an addict and what you can do as a co-dependent

2010-07-11T00:52:00.000-05:00

I have no idea why I'm writing this tonight other than God is telling me someone out there needs to hear it other than just me. Please forgive me for not tagging anyone it this, I don't want any assumptions made that I'm preaching to any one person. Truth be told, almost anyone can benefit from this info.

I recently came across the below article when websurfing for information about verbal reality, a concept a friend introduced me to last year during a time I was trying to figure out is someone was telling me the truth or not. The below article is specifically for Porn addiction, and comes from a very good website, but I've found it true with all addictive behaviors. If you've never heard of Verbal Reality, and you question whether or not your spouse is being honest, this is a good way to help you sort it out, and a great tool for your recovery.
______
Consider This. (from http://www.pornaddicthubby.com/Help-For-The-Addict.html)

Addicts of any kind live in a "verbal reality." This means if they say it, it is true and if they say it passionately enough even they believe it is really true. Men who have an addiction to porn live in a verbal reality. A sex addict believes what he is saying while he is saying it.

Your most helpful tool in dealing with verbal reality is looking at his measurable behavior.

He says, "I can quit" but logs on again. The behavior is always the truth.

He says he wants to change, but attends no 12-step meetings and makes no calls to counselors or therapists, and so his behavior is the truth.

Don't be fooled by verbal reality and don't blame him if you buy what he says to you. In the past, your own desire to believe the best and not implement measurable behaviors has set up a system that you both are now familiar with. The system is: he does what he wants, Says: "I love you" or "I'll change". You believe him, nothing changes and then you get to repeat this cycle again.

The way to stop this cycle is to ask what recovery behaviors he is committed to and where he is going to check off if he did them or not. Addicts themselves believe their own verbal reality so YOU can't if the
both of you are going to get on a path towards health.
_______

(I'm back)

As an Adult Child of Dysfunction, I've learned that one of my main issues is trust. That is because ACD's are trained to believe Verbal Reality. We live in the Addict's and Codependent's fantasy world. This is how the outside world can literally go a lifetime and not see the pain, confusion, dysfunction and anguish behind closed doors. It is why a child who is sexually molested by a father doesn't see their father as a monster or why the child of an alcoholic rarely sees drinking as something that causes them to black out, vomit, do or say embarrasing things or lose control, but rather as something that everyone does to have fun--so much so that most Adult Children of Alcoholics become Alcoholics themselves. Or maybe why the victim of severe abuse has no memories of childhood at all, because they were told over and over again it never happened so that it becomes a secret buried deep inside, problaby because they are told over and over again no one will believe them.

No matter what our background, though, as a co-dependent of any kind of an addict we have to have some self accountaiblity--but it has to be for the right things. The co-dependant can't take on the addict's lies or issues and blame ourself for their behavior. For example, if a husband has an eating addiction he can't blame his wife because she is a good cook. Neither can the co-dependent justify supplying the addict with the object of their addiction because it is what we've grown accustomed to or ignoring behaviors because we don't want to face the truth.

To break the cycle we have to first acknowledge that to a point the verbal reality is usually more desiralbe than the reality, and that is why we tend to 'fall for it every time.' We WANT to believe the best of our spouse, friends, child, goverment offical (okay, that might be taking it a bit far, LOL) so we ignore what is right in front of our faces. And, if we are honest with ourselves, we have to admit that on some level we know something is not right, even if they are very good at covering their tracks.

After we accept the behavioral reality, it is our job to hold firm to that truth--not to police our spouse, but to make it very clear the evidence isn't looking to good for them and then leave it in their laps to deal with.

In the end the addict has to decide for themselves to seek out recovery. The co-dependent might try to do it for the addict, but the best thing the co-dependant can do is seek out a support group for themselves! There might be a time you have to do some very tough love, and it will be hard to stick with it on your own, especially because that honeymoon period after the initial confrontation is so sweet and easy to fall victim to. You want to find a group that focuses on what you can change, not trying to get you to focus on the addict's problem. Once you've confronted, there is nothing more you can do other than choose to leave or stay, and how you respond from that point on. Choosing that support group will be the most important thing you do, especially if your goal is to save your marriage. You want a group that will listen, not try to fix or tell you what you should or shouldn't do, but rather present options and allow you to choose without pressure. It should be a group that has gone through something similar and survived, who is positive, forgiving and loving, not judging of you or your spouse. Most importantly, they need to be willing to make themselves vulnrable to you by sharing their stories. If they are still in denial, they will take you on a canoe trip in the wrong direction!

Lean on God and not your own understanding. If you pray God reveal the truth as I need to know it, He will be faithful to do so. If you let the Holy Spirit handle the convicting your spouse part, your marriage might even have a chance to survive and might even eventually thrive.

No one is beyond the reach of God's mercy and grace, unless they choose to continually run away from it.

And when as a co-dependent you are strongly judging and condemning your spouse years after they have started recovery, reminding them of every little thing they ever did wrong in your life, I pray that God will shine His Light brightly on every unturned sin in your life so that you will focus on your thoughts and feelings and find the true freedom in being the branch, hanging in there clinging to God until He produces new fruit in your life. If you have time, you can always pray this over me!!!

God can heal all wounds and forgive all sins and take the most wretched sinners and turn them into soldiers for His kingdom!

Freedom

2010-01-31T22:30:00.002-06:00

Sometimes I allow myself to go back into time and daydream through all the 'what ifs' of life, only to find that in the end the here and now, the way it is, even with all the highs and lows I had to experience to get is exactly where I want to be.

There is truly freedom in the here and now. You don't have to worry about all the mistakes you've made, because God has used them all to bring you closer to Him. You don't have to worry about what is going to happen because God holds you in His hands today.

Does this mean we shouldn't strive to change? Of course not, we just need to not beat ourselves up for what we cannot change, and we can't go back and change our choices. But we can look at what we are facing and, having learned from our past and matured, we can make wiser choices than we did before.

When we hold onto regrets we have to let something go. If we focus on childhood wounds they will never start to heal and we will never mature. If we focus on the job we left that we shouldn't have we miss out on an opportunity to find a better one. If we focus on a lost love thinking it would have made us so much happier than the relationship we're in, we miss out on the fact that we made a choice, and if we honor our spouse by chosing to love them even when the going gets tough, unconditionally, that God will honor our marriage and it will grow stronger. If we focus on being broke we will become poor and miss out on miracle of the abundance of provision God is giving us. If we focus on ourselves we will miss out on all God has for us if we surrender to His will.

The difference between feeling trapped and having freedom is in thankfulness. There was a time I couldn't think of one thing to be thankful for in my life. I felt deep emotional pains from scars that had been festering for years. I felt trapped by circumstances. I felt disconnected from my husband because of anger and resentment I had toward him. I felt hopeless and helpless.

But at some point I had to make a choice. I could choose to believe the lie of the world that if things don't go your way then life isn't worth living, or I could choose to believe the truth of my Savior that He would be with me through any circumstance, choosing to find little things to be thankful for to sustain me. I chose the later.

God has been so good to me, but the old me wouldn't be very satisfied with the life I have now. The old me had her plans and her limits. The new me has vision and hope. She is thankful for the potatoes in her pantry, her three-legged dog, her creative children and the husband who choses to love her despite her flaws. I like the new me soooooo much better.

Freedom in the here and now for me means that God is holding my hand. He took my hand and placed it in my husband's and kept us holding on to Him and each other through the hard times. That didn't come from me or him. It could only come from God. God supplied our needs day by day even when I couldn't find a way. When the alternator went out on my car before my grandma's funeral at first I thought God wasn't wanting me to go to the funeral. Now I see He didn't want me to go alone--because the car broke down Phil decided to go with me. God provided for the trip financially and for me emotionally, as that night as I cried out to God in desperation He let me mourn my grandma's death in His safe arms. Freedom is in the surrender, in knowing that just when I decide I can do without something, if God wants me to have it, then the impossible will happen--just like our house. If He doesn't the doors will close so tightly that there will be no doubt.

Freedom is in knowing that although our memories can change and our futures can change and that people change, that Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever. Freedom is clinging to Him.

Hebrews 13:1-8
Concluding Exhortations

Keep on loving each other as brothers. Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some people have entertained angels without knowing it. Remember those in prison as if you were their fellow prisoners, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering.

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,
"Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you."So we say with confidence,
"The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.
What can man do to me?"

Remember your leaders, who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Like Magic

2010-01-25T22:21:00.000-06:00

I just have to share this. While visiting family after my grandma's funeral we had a slight problem with one of my great nieces biting anyone who got in her way. At one point she even bit her mother and drew blood, and so I decided to try another tactic to get her to change her ways.

I asked her to look closely at what she had done to her mom's leg, then I asker her if she wanted to pray with me to ask God to help her to not bite other people. She said yes, so I did a simple repeat after me prayer asking God to give her strength to not bite anymore.

After we were done praying, my other great niece, Jessica, looked at her cousin and with an excited voice said, "Ellie, it really does work. It's like magic!" It was precious seeing Jessica's face--you'd think she's just one a trip to Disneyland!

Oh, from the mouths of babes--and it must have worked, at least for the rest of their visit I didn't hear any more reports of her biting others. :)

Something I wrote yesterday . . .

2010-01-18T10:00:00.000-06:00

Today, Phil, the kids and I went to Phil’s father’s birthday party. Not only were we celebrating Bill’s birthday, but also the baptisms of three members of his church, celebrating years of life and the starting of new life. It was nice.

Phil and the kids went on to sand the floors at our house. I came home to clean, make dinner and try to at least appear productive. My friend had called several times for several different things. So when the phone rang again I playfully picked it up, thinking of something funny to say, but instead it was my mother, and she sounded so sad. She was calling to let me know Grandma Margaret had passed away. We talked and I really felt nothing at first. Part of it was because we knew this was coming and I think part of it was because I really didn’t want to feel the loss, not yet. Not while I was home alone.

But here I am still alone and I do feel the loss. Most of my fondest childhood memories were at my Grandma’s house. In fact, one of the things that appealed to me about the house we are moving to is how much it reminded me of Grandma’s, except they lived off a dirt road and we live off a busy highway. But looking out the kitchen window and seeing the field, I immediately felt at home. It could have been the square ceiling tiles, too.

I loved Grandma’s simple ways. I remember playing 'Ring Around the Rosies' with my cousin, Kevin. I remember making forts and mud pies in the back yard. There were kittens almost every summer until I was a teenager.

I loved that she had a garden and that she cooked potatoes that she sprouted herself in her root cellar. I loved that she planted mint one year, and that it took over her yard. I love that she got after me one time for using her new onions to made mud soup with Maria Zutavern. I love that she taught me it was okay to be quiet.

One summer she introduced me to Trixie Belton, and from that summer I grew to love reading. I loved the way she proudly hung her daughters’ art on the walls. I loved the picture of her on a bridge in Kansas City when she was just a toddler. I loved her big honker hair dryer. I loved her purple crocheted blanket that covered her chair that was a bit too old.

Talking about furniture, I totally loved crashing on her couch, which even though it was as hard as a rock somehow always led me to a deep, sleepy dreamland.

But what I loved most about Grandma is that she understood me. Someone once told me she was ashamed of me, more specifically the vulnerability I showed in my writing, but if she were she never let me know that. Grandma was always hugs and encouraging words to me. In so many ways we were alike, even though we were so different, too.

I once told Phil that I married my Grandpa Norman when I married him. After meeting Grandma Margaret, he said, “That is because you’re just like her!” I was flattered by the compliment, even though it had to do with backseat driving.

The last time I saw Grandma I gave her my Wooley, the little lamb Kaleta had crocheted for me--truly a one of a kind and one of my fondest treasures. Grandma lit up when she was it, and even though I hated parting with the lamb, it was worth it to see the smile it put on her face as she hugged it. Around my birthday it was returned to me, and maybe that is when I realized I wasn’t going to see Grandma again. Maybe that is why I’m trying to hard to pretend I’m okay right now.

I don’t know whether or not I’ll be able to go to Grandma’s funeral. I don’t know if I can even physically or emotionally handle the trip. It’s funny, God has just given me so much the last few months that I just wasn’t quite prepared for this loss. I wasn’t prepared for having to make decisions like this. So, I’m going to ‘be the branch’ as Chip said last Saturday night at church and if God wants me to go, He’ll provide a way. And if not I’ll rest in Him for strength through this loss.

Right now I’ll rest in the comfort that I will see my grandparents again someday, as they are also my brother and sister in Christ.

Reflecting on 2009

2010-01-03T19:47:00.000-06:00

I wrote a long 5 page letter about my life this year, but came to the conclusion that the information probably would only interest me. This has been one of those roller coaster years, and for the most part I've come to enjoy the ride.

This is a test, it's only a test, seems to be the theme, because every part of my recovery and sanity has been tried and tested this year. Other than a couple of months where I was exhausted from being sick and where I started to believe a couple of people who told me I must be returning to depression and insanity, I found myself amazed at how God has changed me and healed me.

Did I make mistakes? Of course, I'm human. Did I lean on God? Most of the time. Did God always provide a way? Of course.

I'm amazed at God's protection and provision and amazing love! This year He's sustained me through illness, extreme changes, personal struggles, our dog having her leg amputated, the loss of a spec house, loss of friendships I thought would last a lifetime and leaving a job I really loved. God has provided in beyond belief ways--the medical bills were almost completey paid for, God has sustained us on a very small income, He's provided us with a home of our own and He's providing daily to the point where I don't sweat the bills like I used to. God has sent me not one, but two best friends and several good ones! He's starting to restore my family and healing hurts and helping us to really see what is important.

I look back at this year and words really can't describe where I've been. I've grown stronger and closer to God than any other year. My marriage is stronger than ever and I'm able to work along side my husband and kids to remodel our new home. Although maybe a few years ago this would have seemed like a horrid year, it's actually been one of my favorite.

There was a moment where I was trying to decide if I were going to hold on or allow myself to fall back into total insanity. This is the scripture that God sent me to keep me hanging on:

"Think back on those early days when you first learned about Christ. Remember how you remained faithful even though it meant terrible suffering. Sometimes you were exposed to public ridicule and were beaten, and sometimes you helped others who were suffering the same things. You suffered along with those who were thrown into jail, and when all you owned was taken from you, you accepted it with joy. You knew there were better things waiting for you that will last forever. So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so that you will continue to do God’s will. Then you will receive all that he has promised. For in just a little while, the Coming One will come and not delay. And my righteous ones will live by faith. But I will take no pleasure in anyone who turns away. But we are not like those who turn away from God to their own destruction. We are the faithful ones, whose souls will be saved." Hebrew 10:32-39

Patient endurance was what I needed, and He did as He promised, pulling me through. It wasn't how I had hoped or wanted, but in many ways it was much better. I would have never dreamed we would get a house so close to my very best friends! Life is just so exciting!!

It really was a wonderful year.

80's Time Capsule

2009-11-16T23:36:00.000-06:00

Today is one of those days that really didn't at all work out the way I'd planned. I just seemed to be dragging and my 'to do' list just didn't seem to be getting too much checked off. So when my daughter told me she wanted me to go with her to her friend's musical I almost said 'no'. But I could tell she really didn't want to go alone, so I decided to tag along. I guess in a way I'm glad I did.

The musical was called, well, "Back to the 80's . . . the Totally Awesome Musical' or something like that. And to be honest that did appeal to me, because I was in high school through the first half of the 80's, and I was totally into music, totally.

I was so extremely into music that I kept a notebook and tracked Rick Dee's Weekly Top 40, and could even guess the top 10 with about a 95% acuracy rate. I loved music. I was passionate about it.

This musical really did reflect the period very well. The jokes about Rubic's cubes, Atari and computers, or even the huge mobile phone he pulled out after talking about how someday the world would see a phone that could fit in the palm of your hand, it was all pretty close to home. It was almost like opening an 80's time capsule and sitting around with friends reliving a time none of us really want to go back to, or at least I'm glad I never have to go back there.

Then I remembered that our senior class actually did make a time capsule and I wonder if anyone ever did open it. I'd love to read what I wrote now, and see what we thought was worth saving for 25 years. And, yes, it just hit me I'll have graduated 25 years ago in May, scary!

I haven't heard of any class reunions being planned for 2010, so I guess I'll never know what is in that time capsule.

What I do know is that I'm not that shy, insecure, confused and overwhelmed little girl anymore. I don't even listen to the same kind of music, even though music is still an extremely important part of my life. Instead of Rick Dee's Weekly Top 40 I now listen to 20 The Countdown Magazine, which is a contemporary Christian countdown. I used to dream of prince charming, now I'm married to a good man who loves me. I used to think my life would end before I graduated so I used to try really hard not to think about graduation day because it scared me to death. Now I realize my life hadn't even started back then and look forward to each new adventure God brings into my life, even the scary ones.

Ironically I was watching this musical sitting next to my daughter, who is 16 and is about the same age I was when most of the songs were popular. In her I see so much potential and wisdom that I never seemed to have but always craved. She is so strong. No one defines her except God. She just amazes me sometimes. Most girls her age would try to ditch their mothers, but she really wanted me there and that meant a lot.

So, if I were making a time capsule for 2035 what would I put in it to reflect who I am now? I'd have to really think on that one. :) Get back with me then and I'll let you know what I decided. ;)

Sex

2009-11-14T23:13:00.000-06:00

Yes, that word always gets people's attention. Funny, I grew up thinking it was a dirty word. I grew up thinking people who had it were dirty or sick in the head. I grew up believing good people didn't want it. I grew up believing that if you had it you were somehow ruined.

Then movies and tv tried to teach me that sex and love were the same thing. If you loved someone it was okay to have sex with them, and if they wanted to have sex with you they must love you. Sex was always romantic, fireworks always burst in the background and there was always beautiful music in the background. And if you didn't love someone, that was okay, too. Because according to media sex can also be 'just for fun'. Now friendships could have benefits. Life was so simple, right?

I would listen to romantic music that always lead to promises of love and made sex sound so beautiful. I would find myself listening to song and thinking about some good looking guy, or even an average friend.

I wanted to stay a virgin until I got married, but had no idea why other than I was told to and because I didn't want to be a 'slut'. But after years of listening to the world's view of sex I finally gave in to the lie, and in a little under a minute my gift had been given to someone who would then break up with me because he "couldn't respect someone who wasn't a virgin" and he was going to marry a virgin someday. I was no longer a prize and the love media had promised me was nothing more that a lie.

Now I am older and wiser. I know the truth about what sex is. Sex is not a dirty word, but a wonderful, beautiful gift that God intended for marriage. Within marriage it is fun, fulfilling and creates a strong bond between you and your spouse. There is freedom within that realm to express your commitment of love to your spouse by taking two bodies and merging into one unit that God blesses.

But even in marriage the world would like to distort sex. The world would like us to listen to many lies. They tell us it's okay to fantasize about others while making love to our spouses, but Jesus says that if we even in our minds think that way we are committing adultery. The world says that porn is entertainment, and that it's fine to be entertained, but God tells us to purify our hearts! Nothing good has ever come from bringing porn into a marriage! The world says that you can fall out of love and then leave your spouse, or that there is only one 'soul mate' and if you find them it's okay to walk out on your kids and spouse so that you can be happy. That is NOT in the Bible! The Bible says that the two shall be one and that no one should separate them. The ONLY Biblical grounds for divorce is if your SPOUSE cheats on you (which gives someone who has a cheating spouse out of the marraige, but it is their choice, not the cheating spouse's). The world says it's okay to swing and bring other's into our marriage and to have open marriages, but God says we should be faithful to our spouse. The world through the internet has created a gateway for us to indulge in sinful behaviors that would destroy a marriage, a family and our relationship with God.

Then there are the dark people of the world, the one's who will steal the innocense of children or rape an unsuspecting women. There are those who would drug a drink or get us drunk and take our virginity while we are vulnerable. There are those who would even turn a women into a prostitute or a slave for their own financial gain. The world is getting so scary. The world twists and chokes out all that is beautiful until the word sex just sounds so dirty and ugly.

Sex. It's only three letters and should be something so simple to share with our children. It should be easy to tell our children about God's plan for us to be one with our spouses. It should be a beautiful conversation about God's plan to bring us close to the one we chose as our lifetime mate, the one we might have children with.

Instead we have to talk about STI's and STD's. We find out now that the definition of sex has to be expanded, because some teens who are what I call techincal virgins have done everything other than intercourse, even some things married people wouldn't even consider bringing into their marriage bed. We have to explain to our girls that even if they manange to stay pure they might have sex with hundred's of people on their wedding night because their spouse decided to sleep around before he met them, and every person he had contact with and all the people they had contact with are now in a way a part of her wedding bed.

So, what is a parent to do?

Pray for your child.
Pray for your child's future spouse.
Be open and approachable.
Be honest about your own mistakes and how they affected you.
Be honest about what you've done right and why it has helped you.
Let them know they are loved.
Be there for them.
Teach them how to protect themselves (not just their body, but also their minds, spirit and heart)
Just say 'no' to the media--chose other options for family time, like old-fashioned things like games or going for a bike ride or just talking over dinner.
Introduce them to Christian music, literature and be sure they see you reading your Bible.
Teach your child to have a quiet time--a chid who has a personal relationship with God is more apt to make wise choices.
Don't shame--show mercy and grace when mistakes are made.
Admit your mistakes and apologize. Show them that we all fall short, but that God has a plan of restoration.
Never give up.
Do give lots of hugs!

Teens are amazing. Don't underestimate how willing they are to learn wisdom. They might just amaze you with the good choices they make if you stop assuming they are 'just going to be kids'. Sometimes we can push our kids into bad choices by teaching them through negativity that they aren't capable of thinking for themselves or of self-control simply because of their stage of life--that isn't Biblical. It's our job as parents to teach our children limits and boundaries, so if they don't have any we've failed--not them. God has promised us that if we "train up a child in the way he should go: when he is old, he will not depart from it." (Proverbs 22:6) Children and teens are designed by God to learn and absorb information. We just have to take the time to fill them up with the right information. If we do it won't be nearly as scary to let them go little by little as they grow up.

Most importantly, we have to learn to trust God. The best sex education is teaching your child their value in Christ so that they don't have to find it elsewhere.

Draw Near Conclusion, November 2, 2009

2009-11-02T13:26:00.000-06:00

For the last few weeks our church has been doing something called 'Draw Near' which is basically teaching us practices that really should already be a part of our life if we dare call ourselves followers of Christ.

What I've learned is that my relationship with my Savior was much closer than I thought, and yet not nearly what it should be.

I've cluttered my mind over the last year with what I should be doing with my life. I've filled my life with worthwhile distractions, like writing a ballet, volunteering, etc. while ignoring the most important calling in my life--building a strong foundation of a relationship with God. I've never just stopped and listened.

Which is the only thing that stood out in Robert Cupp's teaching yesterday. Silence. I've not been silent the way I should be.

Yes, I turned off the TV for most of this (with the exception of letting my dad watch football while he was visiting). Yes, for the first 6 weeks I stayed off of the internet except for one day a week (but didn't last the full 50 days I was hoping for). Yes, we had quiet times with no music or anything. But I forgot to turn off one thing. I forgot to turn me off. I forgot to shut me down. So I missed it because all I heard was me.

Now I'm at a crossroads, because for all practical purposes Draw Near is over except for our meeting on Thursday and a few devotionals. Yes, I feel nearer, but not overwhelmingly so like I did back in 2006 when I made a commitment to fast, pray, read through the Bible and ask God to change me. What on earth happened to that sweet spirit??? What is blocking me from getting even closer than I have in the past? What stopped, or at least stunted, that growth? What is going on?

This week I was working on my vision statement for my Significant Women study and realized it was all about what I wanted. I about threw up. I read it and I knew that if I lived my life by it I would end up exactly where I was a few months ago. It's a good, worthwhile vision, but I wonder who on earth I'm trying to impress by it, because God is clearly telling me today He's not impressed.

And He won't be until I go back to that state of surrender I had in 2006. I've started and stopped fasting six times over the last 8 weeks. I realized today it was because I was trying to do it for the wrong reasons. It wasn't a true sacrifice of heart, body and soul, just a part of a program I was trying to complete.

In 2006 I was broken, ashamed of who I was, my body was failing me, my heart was so heavy and I was truly to a point where I knew I couldn't do it alone anymore. So for the past four years I haven't, I've felt my Loving Father close to my heart, until a few months ago.

I took my focus off of God and what I should be doing myself and starting worrying about others. I allowed myself to get angry and to try to fix things or try to change things in my own power. My life spun out of control and that really started back in February when I didn't obey God because I liked people telling me how much of a difference I made.

But where are those people now? I don't ever hear from them, not unless I reach out to them--and that was the trend of my old life, always having to go to other people and never having anyone think I'm valuable enough to invest their time in me. Those types of people loved me when I was a doer, but not so much when I needed someone to help me. They have rejected me and some of them are even gossiping about me, which breaks my heart. I could care less what people think, but it would be nice if what they thought about me was at least based on fact and not on lies. Yes, those people, wonderful people, no longer see any value in me because I'm just a housewife and am taking a short break from serving to see what direction God wants me to go. It was all an illusion. Those people liked me for what I did for them, not for me. If they were my friends they would call and ask how I am every once in a while, or reply to my e-mails. I was vain in thinking I made a difference when I've heard through the painful grapevine that not only am I not missed, and even that I made so many miserable and they are glad I'm gone. So it's time I get over myself and focus on my family and my household. It's time I allow God to mold me into what He wants, and learn to be happy only in His view of me. I've always been a people pleaser, and was vain in thinking that would just go away. I'm seeing that is exactly what got me into trouble, and what God will be working on next.

Which is funny, because today God clearly showed me that is exactly where He wants me. And He's been showing me in the last week that I could have friends with that vision if I just open my eyes a bit and look what He has for me rather than continually looking back at what I thought I wanted, but know in my heart I don't. He's also shown me who have been my friends all along, the ones who kept me from returning to insanity. They are the ones who reached out and didn't listen to the lies and who really, truly cared.

And I want to be one of them. I want to lose every ounce of bitterness and hurt and resentment and anger and pain I've accummulated but ignored over the last few months. I've denied it but never truly dealt with it. And that is why my Draw Near journey, although it showed me so many things about myself, didn't really help me to draw near to my Heavenly Father like it should have.

I almost didn't go to church yesterday. Both Cordel and Phil were sick and I honestly wasn't feeling my best. But I'm glad I did, because I needed to be reminded about silence. I needed to take two hours this morning to just listen to the silence. I needed to shut up just long enough for God to get through.

I ordered a chronilogical bible and I'm committed this year to reading through it, starting from the day it arrives. I'm committed to doing whatever God asks of me for the next 12 months, because let's be honest, 50 days just isn't enough.

And if I truly draw near, not just go through the steps but truly draw near, 12 months won't be enough, either.

Draw Near, Week 6--October 21, 09--Obedience

2009-10-21T23:23:00.000-05:00

Obedience. For some reason that word both appeals to me and scares me to death. It appeals to me because obedience leads to structure and disobedience leads to chaos. It scares me because even with my greatest human efforts I still sometimes fight being obedient, especially with the Lord.

In February of this year God told me I needed to leave my job. It was as clear as day. So the next day I went to talk to someone about what was going through my mind. I think in a way I did that because deep inside I really loved my job. I loved working with the energetic singles and with the wise and thoughtful senior adults. I always felt like I could do so much more than I had been up to that point. So part of me knew I didn't really fit in. So I talked to this person but never mentioned to her that the reason I was considering leaving was because God had told me to. I thought it sounded a bit, well, crazy. So I thought of some of the things I wished I could change about my job. She talked to my supervisor and as a result a lot of my talents that had been sitting on the self were used. I got caught up in the excitement of the new responsibilities, many of which I truly loved. I loved being busy. I loved being used for ministry. But in the back of my mind from that point on I knew that was not where I was supposed to be.

Office dynamics changed after that. Just something was not connecting. Then I got sick and my world turned upside down. I couldn't think and even though I was getting things done it was not to the best of my abilities. I struggled making deadlines on secondary things and even had to let a few things go. Then things got very awkward. I was feeling a bit better, but my doctor put me on antidepressants which left me, a CR success story for overcoming depression, feeling rather defeated.

I remember the day I left my job. I went to the receptionist, Kathy, and asked her to pray for me, but didn't tell her why. It really was an insane decision. I had medical bills that were piling up that were overwhelming and debts that needed to be repaid and I wanted to move so badly it hurt. How could we survived if I left my income behind.

But it wasn't only that. I was leaving friends and a weekly support behind. Yes, they are still my friends, but like everything else it's just so awkward. I knew it would be. I'd left jobs before. But it was the people, not just who worked at Fellowship but also who were a part of my areas ministries, that made me fight the decision to leave.

Even on that day I was fighting it. I knew that day that if I left I would probably never work at Fellowship again. Even though I left a part of me felt as if I had been severed from my position. And in a way I had, because God was pretty mad at me for not obeying.

But I did leave, for all the wrong reasons. I wish now I would have decided to just tell the truth and risk sounding crazy, because fighting the truth made me look just a bit insane.

Obedience. It's so hard. But God will provide for what He asks us to sacrifice in ways we can't imagine.

Obeying meant giving up 1/2 of our income at the time. My medical bills exceeded $13,000. I have to pay only $1,000 in small payments because the rest was covered by a charity. God provided.

We don't know how we manage but there is always food on the table, a roof over our heads and amazingly we haven't gone negative in our checking account for months.

My son was struggling with reading while I was working, but on the day I left my job I came home in tears and my son took out Curious George and read to me and told me how glad he was that I was home. That was when I realized I wasn't really quitting my job, because my highest calling has been to be first a wife to my loving husband and then a mother.

I went to have my antidepressant prescription filled, but couldn't afford the $100 for the prescription. I asked God what to do and He said to go off of them(something you really shouldn't do as fast as I did because it can cause some serious reactions). But I trusted God and I did go off on my own, just 32 days after starting them I took my last pill, and am no longer suffering from depression.

Our dog had a tumor and we thought we were going to have to have her put to sleep. We wouldn't have had money for a surgery, and we were preparing to say good-bye to her. God sent my brother-in-law who helped us have her leg amputated. She is totally recovered and in better health than she has been in years.

My point is that God is providing financially and is giving me ministry opportunities. He's also kept many of the people I thought I would have to miss in my life.

But He is doing some even more amazing things that I can't really reveal until next week. Amazing.

I could beat myself up about how much better things might have been had I left my job in February like I should of. But God uses all things for His good purpose. Nothing was wasted. Much was gained. Lessons were learned on how to trust in God and stop second guessing.

Tonight the question was raised about what we've heard a clear calling from God on that we've been avoiding or ignoring. I know God wants me to fast. There are only a couple of weeks left on this journey, so if I'm going to do it I need to do it soon. Please pray for me as I do.

Dear Heavenly Father,
Please help me to be your obedient daughter. Help me to take the time to listen. Help me to fight my sinful human nature and instead follow Your will for me. Clarify it in my heart. Open doors that will lead to your glory and close doors that might lead to my destruction. Help me to fast and to focus on you over the next two weeks. Health my body. Transform my mind. Purify my heart.
I pray this in Jesus name,
Amen

Draw Near, Week 5--10/18/09

2009-10-18T12:31:00.000-05:00

I sort of, well, just skipped my Wednesday online journalling time because my parents were here for the week. I have to say it was one of the best visits. We had lots of fun, ate too much, visited new places, played some cards but for the most part just rested. It was nice.

I wasn't as consistant with my daily study as I would have liked to be, but still got enough quiet time with God to learn some new things about myself.

Last week the Draw Near focus was on Forgiveness. This is something, in all honestly, I've struggled the most with in my life. However, over the last few months God has helped me work through some huge hurdles, and my parents visiting was a great test of whether or not I have truly forgiven. There are still a few people I'm still having to pray that God will help me to forgive them, because honestly I just don't have the strength to do it on my own. But I think for the most part I've been able to forgive my family of old childhood hurts (and even some new ones) and move on.

One thing that has helped is understanding what forgiveness is and what it is not. You see, in the past I struggled with forgiveness because I was told to forgive we also have to forget. And so I thought if I couldn't forget I hadn't forgiven. The truth is only God can forget, and I don't believe He expects us to. Forgiving is acknowledging the hurt and chosing to love that person anyway. It's releasing the resentment and extending mercy.

What forgiveness isn't is being a doormat. If someone choose to hurt me in the same way over and over again, I would still forgive them, but might choose to not have an active relationship with them, just like if a door tended to slam in my face every time I walked through it I might choose to enter through a different door. That is wisdom, not unforgiveness.

I'm also learning to separate sinful behavior from the person. Recently someone hurt my family, specifically my daughter, pretty badly. This person is very gifted in certain areas, and has her own business and, for years, was a good friend. This person and I had a confrontation over what happened between her and my daughter, about the way she had been treating my daughter. I in all honestly didn't handle it the best way I could have, and as a result this brought some things in our life to an aburpt halt, and we had to really re-evaluate the direction of our lives--but it turned out to be a good thing because God is taking us into a much better direction.

Over the past few months I've chosen to forgive this person, even though she has no desire to forgive me, and has spread a few lies about me. I've had to grieve the loss of a friendship. Still, I acknowledge her gifts, have recommended her business to a couple of friends and, if she asked today for forgiveness it would already be extended and if she said she needed and apology, it would be freely given once again. I pray for this person often and wish her well, but forgiveness on my part is not enough to mend that friendship. And feeling the burden of her unforgiveness really has shone a light in my life about how my past (and sometimes present) unforgiving attitude has affected people who I was not able to forgive.

Unforgiveness limits our life. It closes doors that could lead to amazing things. It can cut us off from friends, hinder the church's growth and stunt our spiritual maturity. Unforgiveness was the key factor in my trip to insanity and my conditional forgiveness (only forgiving when the results went my way or on my terms) led me to isolation and rejection because no one is possible of meeting all of our terms all of the time. Eventually people will let us down. And eventually we will let an unforgiving person down, and if we try to earn forgivness we will find ourself in the same spiritual bind as if we can't forgive others.

I have a cross in my house. It's the cross I took to the retreat for the first step study I co-led. It's about 4 feet tall and very rustic. It's been in my bedroom, my livingroom and my kitchen. At the retreat we nailed our 'sins' to the cross by writing them on paper and physically nailing them to the cross. This was something I also did as Summit in 2007, and that was when my recovery truly began. There was something about hearing the pounding of nails for almost an hour that made me start to grasp just how amazing it was for Christ to take on our sin. I watched as 3000 people made there way to the cross carrying their handwritten list of just a few of their sins and then pounding and pounding and piercing and piercing that cross. It just made it so real. We left our list of sins and burdens there on the cross. I many of those things I truly left there, others I found myself nailing again at the retreat, but finally left them there. It was a process, and there are days I find myself overwhelmed, and when I'm alone I get out my hammer and nails and physically nail whatever I can't let go of to the cross and ask God to help me let it go. And He is always faithful to do so. I don't re-open the folded paper. When I take it off I throw it into the fire, just like I did to the papers from the retreat so long ago. The song 'At the Foot of the Cross' always comes to mind.

At the Foot of the Cross

At the foot of the cross
Where grace and suffering meet
You have shown me Your love
Through the judgment You received
And You've won my heart
And You've won my heart
Now I can

Trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross

At the foot of the cross
Where I am made complete
You have given me life
Through the death you bore for me
And You've won my heart
And You've won my heart
Now I can

Trade these ashes in for beauty
And wear forgiveness like a crown
Coming to kiss the feet of mercy
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross

Bridge:
And You've won my heart
And You've won my heart
Now I can

I lay every burden down
I lay every burden down
At the foot of the cross
At the foot of the cross
At the foot of the cross

It's when we truly allow God to win over our hearts that we can finally begin to forgive. I've tried for years to forgive and just simply couldn't until I asked God to help me let it go. It's easy to forgive when someone asks or our terms are met, but then, is that really much of a sacrifice? Christ forgave us knowing we would pierce His heart again and again and again with our sin and our hatred and our unforgiveness.

Mercy is understanding and standing in awe of a Christ who loved us so much He forgave us expecting nothing in return and then extending the mercy He gave us to those who have hurt us, wounded us, ignored us, tortured us, hated us and we also MUST expect nothing in return. Mercy is seeing the sinner through Jesus eyes and evaluating the masterpiece God has created in all of us--even though at times it's so covered in filth its very hard to see--God's handiwork is there--we just have to trust it and ask God to reveal it to us. Sometimes it takes years before we will actually see the results of our prayers, but He will faithfully reveal it to us.

Love ths sinner, hate their sin, choose to let go of our expectations and allow God to deal with what we can never change. I have to stop playing God and just surrender to Him.

Things I'm asking God to help me with from here on out:
1) Letting go of resentment even faster than I have been and turning over to Him immediately instead of letting it fester (still have a couple of things I tend to hold onto).
2) Forgiving immediately and unconditionally
3) Praying a LOT more before confronting and asking God if He really wants me to be the one to confront that person. Usually the Holy Spirit is much better with that than I am. :)
4) Moving forward (I sometimes tend to get stuck in the mud of painful memories)
5) Polishing my gifts--This year I'd like to spend more time using the gifts God gave me to His glory than I do trying to solve the mundane mysteries of this crazy world! I'd like to allow God to restore this masterpiece enough that others don't have too look too hard to appreciate it. :)

There is more, but I won't put them here.

One positive thing I learned about myself is that I do have some very good solid core values, and many of the choices I've made that make no sense to others have supported those core values--and what surprised me the most is that those values do tend to for the most part line up with God's will. I still have a couple of taught core values I'm releasing to God to help me let go of. But for the most part I'm starting to clearly see the direction God is taking me. The hardest part is trusting in the area of finances. So many people think I should work, but my core values and the Holy Spirit wants me at home right now. I'm truly having to trust God moment by moment to cover our financial obligations. But now that I've made the choice and am not wavering I'm seeing God bless Phil with more work and balancing it with rest and that just gives me so much peace.

Totally off topic, last night I went through a lot of pictures for my mother. I saw my family as they are growing and changing. It was nice to see Robin look so healthy and smiling and relaxed. It was nice to see Jonie doing so well and Ellie looking at her with so much love. It was wonderful to see my sisters and brother all together. Maybe someday I'll belong in the pictures, too, but it did confirm that it was not my time. But when I nailed their lives on the cross at Summit 2007 and asked God to help me to trust Him and to help me to stop trying to play God and to help me not need all of the answers and to help me forgive and to heal my family and to let go and to just help me work on me, to see those pictures I had a peace I've never had in my life. There was no bitterness or resentment in my heart, just overwhelming love and joy and peace.

Forgiveness--it's a good thing.

Draw Near Week 4

2009-10-07T14:23:00.000-05:00

I wish I could share profound wisdom this week, but I'm not feeling all that well physically. I have a stomach bug or something, so I'm going on earlier today so I can go to bed earlier. It helps so much that Kaleta is now officially licensed, so I don't have to take her to group tonight (in fact she won't let me take her!!!)

I missed my Bible Study this morning, but did get to chat with my 'peer coach' yesterday. We have a lot in common, mostly in the fact that God must be tried to develop patience and perserverance in both of us.

The most profound truth I reviewed this week is spiritual breathing. There's an Out of the Grey song 'Love Like Breathing' that really sticks out in my mind as I try to grasp the concept:

LOVE LIKE BREATHING

There are times I catch my breath, just to let it go again
Funny how I don't forget to breathe
The air it comes and goes with or without my control
Something in me just takes over

I want to love like breathing, spontaneous, like breathing
Imagine just how lovely it would be

I know life is but a sigh, like the wind it will pass by
So to this will I aspire

Chorus:
I want to love like breathing, spontaneous, like breathing
Imagine just how lovely it would be
If I could love like breathing, filling up completely
Coming from the love sustaining me

His lips inspire my spirit to speak and whisper this prayer

May I learn to love like breathing, spontaneous, like breathing
And give the gift He's freely given me
Oh let me love like breathing, filling up completely
Coming from the love sustaining me

Spiritual Breathing is exhaling sin (confession, repentance) and inhailing God (worship, scripture reading, prayer). Oh, how nice it would be if I didn't have to work so hard at the relationship I have with my Savior. If it could become a response, almost natural, rather than something I tend to overthink.

So this is what I need to work on this week. Trusting God. Clinging to God. Responding to God. Leaning on God. Moment by moment.

Okay, so maybe that is slightly profound afterall. :)

10 People I'm Thankful for (other than my kids):

2009-09-30T19:08:00.000-05:00

1) Philip Isbell--my husband, who loves me always.
2) Becky Aguirre--who encourages me and holds me accountable and isn't afraid to reveal my flaws, but never without balancing it with encouragement.
3) Kathy Rusch--because she is so brave even though she tries to tell you she isn't. Amazing faith that woman!
4) Jeannie Stilley--one of the best friends I've ever had!
5) Shawnya Gore--my sister-in-Christ who is simply my sister.
6) Janice Wilson--my mentor.
7) Stephen Isbell--my favorite brother-in-law (sorry David, David, Mike and Chris,I love you guys, too, but he's been there for us and is like a brother to me).
8) Karen Olsen--because she has the gift of seeing God's gift in others and is very much a cheerleader.
9) Chip Jackson--because he cares.
10) Rodney Holmstrom--because when I thought I wasn't ready for leadership he told me I couldn't quit, and I was just dyfunctional encough that I didn't--and I'm thankful he didn't let me, until I needed to take a break.

Draw Near Adventure, Week 3 9/30/09

2009-09-30T18:58:00.000-05:00

When you step outside of your comfort zone you find things out about yourself that sort of surprise you. You also test your limits. Not only do you learn about who you are, you also learn about who you are not.

I'm going to be painfully honest. Two weeks ago I did not want to go inside of the Training Center at Fellowship. I no longer felt like I was a part of Fellowship. I had worked there for almost 10 months. I went to the Training Center every day that I worked. I would walk by Kathy's desk and say 'hi' (sometimes it wasn't Kathy, it was one of the many faithful volunteers, all with smiling faces). I would try to sneak by Nimra's desk, but she would always stop me with a smile, and always take the time to just be Nimra. I'd see Nancy, who one day when life was weighing me down just stopped me, pulled me into a side room and prayed with me. I'd see Melissa with her energy and enthusiasm. I'd see Sara, always busy, but never too busy for me. I'd see Karen who would always encourage me. So many faces, faces I missed so much, but was so afraid to see--afraid because they were the reason I regretted my decision to leave. I thought I had made a terrible mistake, until today.

Today I realized something. I realized I'm still very much a part of Fellowship, even though I don't work there. What I've learned from those precious people, and so many others, is who I am. I just lost track of that for a moment--but just a moment.

Because of life. Because life got very hard for a few short months. Looking back now I see exactly where God was taking me, but sometimes in the storm you just can't see because the wind is blowing, the rain is making your eyes burn and the hail just seems to be beating down on you and you are too busy scrambing for shelter to realize what is going on. But now I see. I needed to be home. I needed to be home when the spec house foreclosed because I needed to focus on my husband. I needed to be home when our dog lost her leg because it would have been too much for the kids. I needed to be home for friends who needed my time more than I needed the money I was getting from my job. Mostly, I needed rest--and time to focus on what God's will for me now.

Today I stopped and looked back at how I felt when my husband announced last year that I needed to go back to work. I felt like a failure as a wife and stay-at-home mother. I felt like I should be staying home, but that I didn't deserve to. I felt like running away, but couldn't. So finally I surrendered and submitted and, eventually, God led me to my job at Fellowship.

I learned so much about myself through that job. Mostly I learned that I have a lot of gifts that I never use. And when you don't use them you lose them. The gift I had that surprised me was brought out by Karen Olsen. It was the gift of encouragement and the optimistic side of me that I never knew I had.

You see, I was brought up in a pretty negative environment. It seemed I was always being beaten down, and I didn't trust anyone growing up. I never had anything positive to say about anyone. Then I went through Celebrate Recovery and I started to change. I started, as a sponsor, to listen to others, and really see them through God's eyes. God gifted me with the ability to reflect back His love to those who could never see it, and I didn't even realize it, until recently when several people said how much I had helped them in their recovery. But I know it wasn't really me, but God in me.

Which leads me to today, at my Bible study. We were asked to go around our tables and list postive traits in those around us. This was pretty hard since most of us barely knew each other! But here were the words, words from people who are pretty much strangers, which they used to describe me:

Transparent, willing to let god move, open, vulnerable, sincere, needing to be there, seeking, answer to prayer (that one surprised me), loving mom and wife, brave.

I sat there in shock, because these are the same things my true friends say about me. But things like being transparent did not come easy to me. I used to hate the word vulnerable. And brave??? I haven't been too brave lately.

But then, yes I was. Because even though two weeks ago what I wanted to do more than anything was drive by the church that the sight of made my heart ache I was so homesick for it I parked my car and went in and sat down. And guess who sat with me that first day? Nancy, the one who had pulled me aside to pray. Is that a coincidence? No, I believe it was a God thing.

Things you need to know about me:
1) I'm an introvert. I would much rather hide inside my house that be around people. Crowds terrify me!
2) God has given me a love for people that pulls me out of my natural introverted shell. I'm exhausted after I'm around people, but I can enjoy them now--and amd even started to trust some of them.
3) I've been told my whole life that I'm pessimistic, but that is not who God created me to be--and because it's against my nature when I get negative I shut down. But when I'm optimistic I bloom! Looking back, with all I went through, I had to be somewhat optimistic, because I always believed there was more that what I was living in--and that eventually lead me to my love relationship with God.
4) I'm an encourager. I gain energy from loving on others. However, I'm more apt to be found encouraging through e-mails, cards, letters or gifts than through conversations.
5) I love finding hidden treasures--especially in people who have been told their whole life they are worthless. Nothing brings more joy to me than being there the moment it clicks with someone that God loves the UNCONDITIONALLY. This was the gift my husband gave to me, the most precious gift I ever had. I could tell him anything about me (and did to try to shock him out of liking me) and he just accepted me--and when I asked him the other day what he saw in me, he said that he saw someone who had made a lot of mistakes, but who truly wanted to do the right thing and to please God. I've been married to him for 18 years and I didn't know that.
6) I get lonely, even when I want to be left alone. Maybe that is why God is such a comfort to me. He's always there in a very unintrusive way.
7) Sometimes I forget who I am in Christ and revert to who I was shaped to be by life's circumstances and influences. This is what I was fighting off the last few months. But I can honestly say that in the last six months I have faced more than I ever have in my life, and for the first time in my life I didn't give up on God. I may not have understood, and I did get angry for a bit, but I surrendered and didn't let those things eat me up inside. Satan tried, but failed. I just am not who I was five years ago anymore.

So now I get to start really praying and listening and trying to see exactly where God wants me. I have a feeling it's going to take me in a different direction than I thought when I started. I know it's going to involve allowing God to finish what He's started, to fight off that old nature and allow God's nature to come through. I've got to stop believing the lie that I cannot change or that I'm worthless or that I'm "mentally ill". I'm non of those things anymore.

So, now I need to step it up and draw nearer and seek more actively and pray more fervently.

Prayer request: For God to clearly show me what my spiritual gifts are, how He wants me to use them and what ministries I should serve in.

Praise: That I've not given up on my church or my God, and that I'm finally able to accept and move on--the grieving process is coming to an end!

Week 2 of my Draw Near Journey

2009-09-23T16:05:00.000-05:00

I'm not going to be able to have two hours today to go on Facebook because I'm taking a friend of my daughter's home tonight when I would normally be at Schlotzsky's. I tried to decide if I'd rather write a little today, or if I'd wait until tomorrow to go online. I decided I needed to stick with Wednesdays.

It is overwhelmingly difficult to put into words what God is doing in my life right now. The timing of the Significant Woman study could not have been better and the path the Draw Near journals is leading me through is taking me to places I've just so enjoyed.

God is my refuge--this is our theme for this week. With our TV off and limited media outlets, I've had time to really reflect what that means for me. God is my refuge, my hiding place, my help in times of need, my protector, my counselor and the daddy who takes the time to look at my scribbled attempt at life and calls it His masterpiece and places proudly on His fridge--well, if you're a parent you'll get that last one's significance. :)

When has God been my refuge? When in my life did I ever seek shelter in Him?

When I was a little girl I heard the scripture about going to your closet to pray. For years through my childhood when I was scared or felt totally alone I would take my pillow, go into my closet and hide behind my long dresses and just talk to Jesus, who at least through Junior High was my only true friend.

One year at camp I was asking God for clarity on something that was causing confusion. I don't want to say what it is, because what it was is just one of those beliefs that tend to cause division. All I know is that I went forward and prayed for God to show me what the truth was. I was praising Him and I raised my hands. I felt someone grasp my hand, and I felt warmth, and felt so safe. I felt as if someone where praying over me. After about 10 minutes I opened my eyes to see who was holding my hand, but not only was no one there, no one was even near me. God answered my prayer and clarified in me the confusion that was causing me to stumble, and that was when I started to trust Him, although life would beat me down over the next few years and since my faith was not strong I would become very doubleminded, being tossed like the waves for many, many years.

When I was working at the Grand Tetons on particlar, amazing evening. Up until that day I fears storms, especially ones with thunder and lightening. I remember I was going for a walk and I was on the top of the bluff behind the worker's cabins and I was overlooking Jackson Lake that was reflecting the magesty of the Tetons when the storm hit. I had never seen clouds so dark and scary and colorful and beautiful all at the same time. The lightening was shooting across the sky and the rain started to drench me, but I couldn't move, not because I was afraid, but because I was calm and awestruck at how wonderful my God was. I remember I started bursting out in song (sort of a habit I have) and sang Amy Grant's "Lead Me On". I could feel God's presence over me. I don't know how long I stood there singing, but I stayed until the storm passed. It was amazing and I know that my description can't even begin to tell you how I was feeling inside.

I always wanted to be a mother. When I was 21 years old I was told I that because of major scarring that was caused due to cysts I would never be able to have children. Not only did God lead me to a husband who was willing to adopt and who loved me despite this weakness, He not only blessed me with one child, but two. He knew that not being able to have a child was more than I could bear, and even though I would have adopted, and might still one day, He sent my children in His perfect timing. I had poured my heart out to God and He listened.

My refuge was in the times in each of my children's lives where God could have taken them. My daughter somehow contracted campliobacter, a bacterial infection, when she was 5. It took the doctor a few days to find out what it was, and on the third day of her having a 105 degree temperature the doctor said time was running out. If they didn't find it soon she would die, and he feared she might already have brain damage. He was a Christian and his 'prescription' at that point was prayer. The thought of losing my daughter terrified me, as she was a miracle and I didn't know if she died if I'd ever have another child. But I had dedicated her at 18 months and I told God she was His child and if He wanted her to be with Him, I would trust Him. The next day the doctor found out what was wrong, got her temperature down and she is not only fine, she is extremely gifted and intellegent--which amazed me to this day!

When my son was 6, he was playing on our trailer's ramps, which are made of iron and weigh about 50 pounds each, when one of them that hadn't been secured came down and pounded my 40-pound son's head into the ground, then bounced two or three more times. I saw it happen and tried to run to protect him, as did my husband, and it was like everything was in slow motion, and neither of us were close enough. My son had a hole in his forhead that exposed part of his skull from where his head had hit a rock on the ground and a huge gash in the back of his head where the ramp had repeated pounded him. His eyes were so glassy and he barely cried. I really thought he was going to die. His uncle, who is a doctor, was with us and he treated Cordel using a first aid kit, then sent us off to the hospital to get stitches and an to check for a concussion. However, right before they were about to call us a little girl about Cordel's age came in with part of her finger cut off. She was bleeding horribly, and since the bleeding had been controlled by Uncle Steve, we signal them to go ahead and look at her first. They came back in a few minutes later and they ended up being in the same ER area.

Cordel was so quiet and this girl was screaming. I was worried Cordel was going into shock so I asked him if he was okay, and he responded that he was praying for the girl next to him. She was hurt very bad. God is my refuge, and although these were the huge times I turned to God, this moment showed how my seeking refuge in Him poured protection over my children. They weren't afraid because they had heard from their parents that God loved them and would take care of them, and they trusted Him. This was a luxury I didn't grow up with. I grew up in fear. Even though I would seek refuge, for so many years when things would get hard I would run out into the storm rather than run toward my Shelter because I didn't really believe the refuge existed.

But when it came to my kids, the wonderful gift God had given me, I would run to Him. He has always been faithful! Cordel was fine. In fact the doctors couldn't believe he hadn't fractured his skull!

There are so many times in my life, especially the last couple years, where God's refuge has kept me sane. Recently I became sick. It's so hard for me to take care of myself, more hard than most people can understand. But God put people in my life that made sure I took care of myself and the difference is I could see God working to keep me safe.

Our spec house foreclosed, and that should be the end of our dreams as we are financially devestated, and yet God keeps giving me hope over and over again--my circumstances no longer are where I find my refuge.

In 2006 I fasted for the first time in my life. It was a juice fast that lasted 10 days. It was the first time I truly drew near to my Savior, my Father. In that week I laid down the very part-time job I had, the church I had been going to for three years, the friends I thought I had and realized that there was more. God led me to Fellowship and then to Celebrate Recovery. He has healed me and blessed me with the first real friends I have ever had in my life. He has shown me what He can do through me, but has disciplined me by reminding me it's all about Him, not about me. I look back on that 2006 blog (http://devotedanddriven.blogspot.com/) I'm amazed at how that time of Drawing Near to Him how He has answered all of those prayers. This was the scripture I prayed through on Day Four--

"Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash away all my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight, so that you are proved right when you speak and justified when you judge. Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me. Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom in the inmost place. Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice. Hide your face from my sins and blot out all my iniquity. Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. Then I will teach transgressors your ways, and sinners will turn back to you. Save me from bloodguilt, O God, the God who saves me, and my tongue will sing of your righteousness. O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise. You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." Ps 51:1-17 (NIV)

In week 2 God is asking me to step it up and not to get distracted by what the world offers. Just like in Facing the Giants when the wife was told once again she was not pregnant and she said, probably at that point believing it would never happen, "Lord, I will still love You. I WILL still love You."

And that is where the change in my heart has been. I am chosing to still love God, even when I got sick and had to face many, many doctor's bills. Even when I felt I had to walk away from my job and Celebrate Recovery leadership. I chose to still love God when my husband let me down, when friends let me down, when I let myself down. I still love God even when it seems I have so many enemies I don't even know if it's possible to step away from battle lines. I still love God when we've lost just about everything, including our pride. I will still love Him even if I never have my own house. I will love Him even if we are always in poverty. I will still love Him if I find myself friendless or widowed or alone. I love God even though the things I've wanted my whole life just probably won't happen. I will still love God tomorrow, and the day after that and the day after that and the day after that.

Yes, God has honored my drawing near to Him in 2006 by leading me through recovery and rebuilding my self-esteem. It just so much excites me to wonder what life will look like four years from today!

And I highly doubt it will be anything that I expect!!! But it will be so much better than what I expect. :)

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea. " Psalm 46: 1-2 (ESV)

Times up--Until next week . . . (to be continued)

5 Things I'm Thanful for this week (9/16/09)

2009-09-16T19:14:00.000-05:00

1. I'm thankful for goat's milk! I can drink it! YEAH!
2. I'm thankful for our friends Jeannie and Stephen, who have really been encouraging us in a healthy way the last couple of weeks.
3. I'm thankful for this quiet week. It's really helping me focus on what God wants in my life.
4. I'm thankful for high speed internet at Schlotzsky's, which makes my two hours per week computer time more efficient!
5. I'm thankful for my friend, Becky, who is always faithful to keep in touch even though she is far away.
6. I'm thankful for Draw Near and the Significant Women journals, which are helping me rebuild my relationship with God.

Okay, that's 6! Could to more, but my battery is almost dead and my time is almost up!

Draw Near Adventure, Week One Check-in

2009-09-16T18:50:00.000-05:00

Well, it's been 4 days without TV and only e-mail except on Wednesdays. Although I have cheated a little, like I had to go online to stop an e-mail list that you have to access the e-mails by clicking on a link so they wouldn't overrun my inbox, and checking the weather without thinking about that is actually using the internet. And I also forgot about internet banking, and we came to the conclusion that it would be okay if needed, but only if needed. That means I actually have to keep my receipts and write things in my checkbook! :) Blogging will be the hardest, but thankfullys both the Draw Near book and the Significant Woman book have journaling pages.

I am truly amazed at how much time I did spend online before this choice. I will be fasting from other things for shorter periods of time during Draw Near, but chose internet as the long fast because of the nature of Draw Near. To truly Draw Near to God I believe I need to be quiet and avoid the busy-ness of life. Facebook is all about me--my friends, my apps, my status. How can I be drawing nearer to God when my focus is constantly on me???? So, to put it in perspective I have limited my online 'me' time to two hours a week, on Wednesday night. That give me 166 hours of God time.

And you'd be surprised how many hours I've spent so far trying to run away from the silence. Why do I fear it so much? Am I afraid of what God is trying to tell me? Am I afraid of what He wants to show me? Or am I just so selfish, rebellously going through the motions rather than totally surrendering to Him?

Yes, God is showing me a lot. To slow down and really ask Him what He wants in my life. To accept what I feel as failure in my life as what He sees as open or shut doors.

But there have been so many blessings. My focus is starting to return, and the chaos I've been struggling with is slowing fading. Things are getting done. I'm starting to get organized. I'm starting to find myself being able to wait patiently.

Mostly I found myself facing the reality that I'm not really as 'popular' as I thought. Only two comments on my last status. Only a couple of e-mails from friends to encourage me.

I think the events of the last few months have rocked me a bit. Back in May I thought I was so important. I had all these things on my list of things I thought would make my life significant. But then all of those things either came to an end or I walked away for whatever reason, and looking back I had forgotten one huge thing. Even though I had done a lot of those things for God and to bring Him glory, I had forgotten to ask Him if it was what HE wanted me to do. I was pushing so hard, and the only way He could slow me down is to allow my body to shut down on me. Busy-ness. Not Significance.

For example, Celebrate Recovery. It's an awesome program, but there is a lesson in it that I really didn't do the way I should have. It was lesson 25 I think, "YES". It talks about the Y in your road, and the problem was my road looked more like WXYZ and I tried to make every turn. I made the Celebrate Recovery program my focus, not God. I basically traded one addiction for another. I was a CRaholic--I was a sponsor, open discussion leader, step study leader, greeter, cleaned tables and did other things, often all in the same week. The problem was that I was also working part time, helping with a ballet and trying to homeschool and be a parent and wife. I also volunteered in the church nursery and always offered to bring snacks to groups when needed. I did it all, but something had to give, and it ended up being my quiet time with God followed quickly by my family time. I found myself sick, overwhelmed and then totally without direction, like my compass had broken. God was shouting 'STOP!' and finally I listened, but because I waited so long everything had to come to an abrupt halt so I could rebuild. I ended up quitting my job and stepping down from leadership. I somewhat regret those decisions now, but they were a direct result of other decisions in my life.

So the last couple of months I've just been hanging with my family and spending a lot of quiet time with God, asking Him what He wants from me. Honestly, some of what He wants truly scares me, because it's so outside of my comfort zone. But as I be still, take it slowly and prayerfully and surrender each thing one by one I see true change in my life.

"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners and purify your hearts, you double-minded." James 4:8, this week's scripture memory. I am admitting I was becoming double-minded. I was trading in my first love, my true love, for the world's cheap imitation of achievement and success. It's not that God didn't use me for His glory, or even that what I did didn't make an impact. But is wasn't what God wanted.

It's just like in a marriage. Maybe I'm very good at massaging feet. So I grab my husband's feet and start massaging them thinking I"m doing something very good. But maybe his feet are very sensitive and it actually hurts him for me to massage them. I never stopped to ask him if that was what he wanted, so all my intentions fell short because I wasn't listening.

So that is what this 50 days is all about: Listening. Refocusing. Building a relationship, truly a love relationship, with my Heavenly Daddy. Taking time to heal my wounded spirit.

If you've made it this far, you are either really bored or really care. So here are my prayer requests:

1) Pray as God shows me what He wants me to fast for each week (I'm doing 4 mini-fasts in addition to the big internet fast). Pray He will give me His supernatural strength to be able to give up whatever He asks of me.
2) Pray for my tendency to be double-minded--it scares me at time that I'm afraid to make choices or that I change my mind so easily. Pray that I will slow down, take the time to talk it over with God and most importantly to listen, and that God will give clear answers.
3) Pray for me as I continue to work on putting my home in order. I'm eliminating a lot from our home, and that takes time. Pray God will show me clearly what needs to go and what can stay.

Honestly, I've been on the internet for a whole 40 minutes now, and am already bored. Amazing how removing yourself from it can make it seem less important. This is a HUGE praise for me!!!

Hugs, all!
Terri

Getting Personal

2009-08-23T18:35:00.002-05:00

Today we went to church and I picked up the "Draw Near" journal. This afternoon Phil and the kids went water skiing with Uncle Steve, and I stayed home, mainly to clean our bathroom but mostly because I'm too heavy to ride in the boat when they are water skiing. Which reminds me once again of my sins of gluttony and laziness, and my need to draw near to God now more than ever in my life. I'm so tired and so emotionally drained, and the only way that my strength will ever be restored is if God chooses to restore it. He wants to restore it, but I keep ignoring Him or pushing Him way. I truly struggle with resting in Him.

So, today my prayer is that God will prepare my heart for the Draw Near sermon series, but also tell me what He wants me to do during that time. There are some things that are expected of us, and some that are recommended. I need clarity on the recommended things.

Will I post them here? Probably not until after Draw Near. One thing I do believe God is going to ask is that I turn off the TV and the internet for 50 days. I have my e-mail set up so I can check it without having to open internet explorer, so I will still be able to check e-mail, Also, I can blog on Word and then upload it to Blogger, so I will still blog--they just won't get posted until after Draw Near is over. But things that have really been distracting me, like Facebook, Myspace and Ebay, they need to take a rest so I can restore.

So, those are things God is having me consider letting go. There are things I believe He's going to ask of me. Things I must prayerfully consider over the next couple of weeks? When will be my assigned quiet time--a time I will devote to God and not allow anyone to interfere with--phone shut off, door closes, ear plugs in???? Do I need to fast??? Who will I lean on for accountability??? Will I choose to walk every day for Him and with Him???

It's all just getting so personal. I guess I thought I had this close relationship with God, and to be honest I used to. But something happened when I went to work. Something in me snapped, and I got all angry at God again. We've since worked through it, but the closeness just isn't there like it used to, and I don't know why I'm holding back.

But today I just knew that God is doing all of this for me. I am where I am emotionally, physicially, spiritually and financially because sometimes you have to be at a breaking point so you can be set free. The floodgates of heaven are about to open and I intend on catching the wave! :) I'm tired of settling for the little puddles because I'm so afraid of drowning in doubt or being overwhelmed by love. Sounds silly, I know, but that is where I am. I'm tired of being the scared little girl who is always on the outside looking in. God gave me a taste of what He can do through me last year, and it so scared me that I think I used everything else around me as an excuse to pull back into my shell. Do I really want to be used for His glory? It's so scary at times, because it's so easy for people to assume you are doing it for your own glory. And I don't like attention, which is why this blog is private now.

But, it's time I take the plunge. There really is no reason to fear.

When God Keeps You Up At Night

2009-08-10T04:05:00.002-05:00

Tonight God is keeping me up. He told me I needed to let go of Change Me (the storyline) and give everything connected to it to Rachel. This was hard, but I know it's for the best. She's taking credit for it anyway, and I could write a better story than it. It's just hard when God asks you to give up something that means so much to you. But I'm sure He has a reason, and I'm not even going to question Him this time.

I'm realizing there are many things I'm going to have to give up. God truly wants to stir up my life. I know I need to trust Him completely, and trust has never come easy to me. But this time it seems just a bit easier.

I have a plan to get started homeschooling even though we don't have money for curriculum. At least we had our Saxon math already purchased. I know what I'm going to do, and God is going to guide me.

In a few hours Sparky will be having her leg amputated. I'm still trying to process this. Even though the vet said there was probably nothing we could have done, I still feel like if I hadn't been working I would have been paying more attention to her and caught it sooner. But tumors like that one, that are wrapped in the muscle, are very hard to remove, even if they are small. God, please help me to forgive myself and just enjoy my little dog for a few more years. :)

Tuesday the spec house will be auctioned from the courthouse steps. I want to cry and scream and yet I feel relief. Soon it will all be over. Isn't that what I wanted? So why am I hurting so much.

Where one road ends another begins. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just simply lost. Because there have been so many forks that I'm confused. Maybe we aren't even on the right continent!

See, this is what happens when you blog without sleep. :)

God, please get me through the next couple of days. Please give Phil and I clear direction. Thank you for loving me even when I fail. Please hold me up and together. Just get me through this moment. Amen.

The Calm After The Storm

2009-08-02T11:08:00.002-05:00

This morning is so peaceful. I ended up not going to church last night, because of Sparky having seizures. I just didn't want to leave her alone. She seems to be doing much better today. She is very calm.

I should have gone to church this morning, but I'm just so very tired after yesterday. Plus, it was nice being able to snuggle Phil, which I did until I woke up--then I tend to just keep him awake because I wake up wanting to talk. So I went in and talked to God for a bit. Now I'm just waiting until noon, when I will wake him up, so we can spend some time together on his day off.

He sold another car today. That make three, or maybe four, I'm not sure. He won't get paid for the first two he sold until Friday, so at that point we will see if all this hard work is really worth it. At least he really likes this job.

I'm still struggling with trying to slow down. I mean, up through May I was working, helping out with ballet and running my daughter to lessons, I was very involved in CR and I just had a lot of things going on in my life. So many things that my quiet time with God sort of got back burnered. Looking back on my blog I can see that the busyness eventually led to my breakdown, and probably to my getting sick. I also just wasn't taking care of myself, often eating at McDonald's because I was too tired to pack a lunch and never having time to go to the gym to workout.

Yesterday I watched as my dog had a seizure. One moment she was as happy as can be, the next moment she was flopping around, disoriented and scared. I think I had a spiritual seizure. I mean, everything was just fine, and then my life got out of control, I was running from one activitiy to the next, I was so overwhelmed I started forgetting things and I was so afraid, to the point I've pretty much backed away from everyone.

I think that it's time to just enjoy the calm. Why is it so hard, though, to just be still? Why do I feel guilty? Kaleta, who may end up having to give up ballet, she's enjoying the still. In fact, she's using this time to re-evaulate. She told me yesterday, after being the only one to be able to calm down our dog, that her original dream was to be a vet, and maybe God is taking away ballet because He wants her to be a vet. In other words, she's seeking and searching.

My original dream was to be a stay-at-home mom. God took that away for a short time, because I wasn't appreciating the potential. Now I really need to go back to that original dream and focus and ask God exactly what it is He wants me to teach my kids. And yet, I really feel like today He's asking me to just look at the rainbows that have resulted from these storms. My daughter didn't break down because I've taught her to trust God, and that her value isn't in being the best ballerina, but in being her best for the Lord. My son is calming down, not acting out and has told me that he really needs me home. My husband is taking his position as the head of the home, and I'm learning to just be still and know that my God will take care of us.

I love the calm, and am choosing to enjoy it.

Tired

2009-08-01T12:06:00.003-05:00

I'm sitting here watching my dog shake in her sleep and I know the end is very near. I gave her some medicine to numb the pain. I hate that we don't have the money today to take her to have her put down. I know that would be best for her, but I'm also being somewhat selfish--as I really don't want to face another loss this year.

God keeps telling me to slow down, but I was running so fast and so hard for so long it is extremely hard for me to just be quiet.

My niece will be here tomorrow. That will be a good distraction. They kids have been so looking forward to seeing their cousins.

God, will our life get any better? Or is it just going to keep getting harder? I'm so tired of struggling. Please, help me.

The Break

2009-07-30T23:03:00.002-05:00

This has probably been the hardest day of my life, at least emotionally. Everything sort of fell apart. The teacher Kaleta chose facebooked her and told her she wasn't going to teach her, which is probably best because of her ties with the other teacher, but was very hard on Kaleta, which made it hard on me. I'm feeling terribly guilty for not taking care of things sooner, for believing everything this teacher said over my daughter and for in all honesty getting way too wrapped up in the whole ballet parent roll. But now there is a huge void in all of our lives because of how huge of a part ballet had in it.

On top of that my dog is not doing well. The tumor is growing and it's starting to spread. She is so uncomfortable, I know she is in pain, and yet she is still the sweetest dog I know. I hate seeing her suffer. I know she won't be with us longer.

And thinking of all of these losses and all the things of our life that are coming to an end and I remember feeling the same way today as we did in Kansas City, right before God decided we needed to move. I have a strange feeling of dread at the possibility of having to move again combined with a hopeful thought of something new. It's making it very hard to stay in the now.

So, tomorrow we are going to get outside and go for a long hike. In fact, I want us to get out of the house every day this week. I need a break. No looking for a job for Kaleta. No worrying about what we can't change. No computers at all until we've gone outside!!!! Just going outside and looking at all the beautiful things God gives us to help us smile.

Upside Down

2009-07-28T22:37:00.002-05:00

Well, today Kaleta got the opportunity to make her first adult decision. She decided she was tired of the way her ballet teacher was treating her, and she chose to change teachers. She called another teacher and is covered.

And I'm feeling guilty because she could of done this way back in February, but I was pretty much brainwashed by her teacher into thinking her teacher was the best in the area. What I didn't see, because I had started working and couldn't sit in on the lessons anymore, was how badly she was being treated and put down by this teacher. But it became clear at Kaleta's birthday party that her teacher is somewhat of a narcissist when she pretty much tried to shut Kaleta out of the festivities. I honestly was relieved when someone called and she had to leave.

Then last night at ballet it became very obvious that not only did her teacher have favorites, but that Kaleta could do no right.

So today when we got the new schedule, and saw that the most important classes were scheduled when Kaleta couldn't attend, it was obvious that she was not valued as a student, so Kaleta chose to walk away. And it was no longer my choice. I would have probably made her continue for two years until she could go to a real dance company.

So as I watched my daughter pick up the phone and call the other teacher, and have an adult conversation with her, I realized that she truly is growing up.

And maybe my life has changed more than I give myself credit for. Last week we had Kaleta's party and I served the meal at CR, and then I made a choice to do what is best for me an walk away from CR for awhile.

So maybe we are all starting to have the courage to do what is best for us, even if it means risking losing out on something.

Even though I had to sit and listen to this ballet teacher's mom chew me out, I just told her the truth and made it clear I would apologize if I were wrong, but in this case it really didn't matter, because I wasn't this teacher's customer anymore, Kaleta was, and ultimately the teacher, even by her mom's admission, owes Kaleta an apology, and I've never heard this teacher ever apologize--she is one of those people who is always right.

So, today is over. Tomorrow is a new day. I need to get over it and move on. But again I find myself grieving. To lose a friend because she didn't want to hear the truth is very, very hard . . . and I feel it won't be the only friend I lose over this. But then again, if they choose sides, they really weren't friends to begin with.

Sometimes We Have to Leave Something Behind to Move Forward

2009-07-24T23:00:00.003-05:00

I really don't know what to write about tonight, just that I really need to write. Today I organized side dishes and served the meal at Celebrate Recovery. And after the meal I left. I knew going into it that I'm pretty much done with Celebrate Recovery for now.

I guess you could say that when I started CR back in 2006 I very much needed it. Back then there were so many things I needed to work through. But in 2008 it became more of an addiction--my life revolved around leading a step study, going to leadership meetings, Friday nights, meeting with sponsees and being there for accountability partners. None of those things are wrong, but many, many nights (and even some days) I left my kids and husband home to fend for themselves. My house was a wreck. My marriage was falling apart. And, althought I thought I was bonding with people, when I needed someone to lean on the only person left around was my friend Becky who lives in a different country. She didn't tell me what I wanted to hear, but what I needed to hear, and she did more that listen, she really heard what I was saying and just let me go through those emotions and grieve or whatever.

So tonight I was serving, and noticed that these leaders who used to respect me are backing away from me, because I stepped out of leadership. You see, at our CR if you go into leadership they want you to make a commitment to revolve your life around it.

But my life should revolve around a recovery program, or a church or even my family. It needs to revolve around God. I think the fact that I was putting everything into CR is why my life started spinning out of control. Phil couldn't take side jobs because he had to take Kaleta to ballet because I had to lead my step study. I wasn't making meals for him on Monday, Friday and some Saturday nights because I had to go to CR. Then I added a job that I probably shouldn't have taken, and then I put what little energy I had left into doing that, because I felt really good to be important. But the truth is that I'm not all that important.

Yes, I had to grieve leaving my job, and I might even have to grieve leaving CR, but that is better than grieving the loss of my marriage or my kids not having their needs met.

I have the tools now, and I have some really good friends. I'll find out who the rest of my friends are. If they only cared about me because I was a leader in CR, then it won't take long before they are gone. Then I would have to ask myself if they were ever truly my friends??? And according to Saddleback, the church that created the CR program, I should be able to return whenever I want, but I'm not convinced it will work that way here.

But it really doesn't matter. God wants me home, focusing on my family, especially my husband who is now working 80 hours a week. I have to make sure he has meals and that he sleeps whenever he can. I need to be the one to take Kaleta to ballet and the kids to the library and go do fun things with them so he can just relax. He has no idea how much I respect him for taking on so much, and how hard I'm praying that he will start making enough commissions to be able to leave the night job.

So, my goal tomorrow, since there is no ballet, is to clean the house, specifically my bedroom and the office area (everything else is pretty clean). I would like tomorrow when Phil comes home to be able to sleep in a nice, clean bedroom and just relax. Boy, has God changed my goals over the last month.

I'm no longer wasting my energy worrying about not going to my parents' 50th anniversary. It just isn't reasonable. We don't have the money. I still get tired very easily. And, most importantly, Phil needs me here right now. I did step back and really ask myself if I was not going out of spite, bitterness or anger. The answer is "no". God has given me a check in spirit about it since the day I heard about it. I don't belong there anymore than I belonged at my High School reunion this summer. It doesn't mean that I don't miss my friends or my family, just that the timing isn't right for me this year. As I looked that the pictures from my high school reunion I realized why God made sure I didn't have the finances--because in almost every picture people were drinking and getting rowdy. That is just not who I am. So, in the end I was glad I didn't go.

A lot of people talk about ministry opportunities at these reunions, but I also have to think about my sanity. I won't be able to relax wondering if I have enough money to get home, or having no idea how Anna or my mom with treat me when I get there. I know my sister offered to let me stay at her house, but I think it's just because she really, really wants Michelle to come and thinks Michelle won't if I don't. I think Michelle will because she does belong there and she really, really misses her family. She's done it once before, she'll do it again. But I can't keep doing things because it's what someone else wants. I have to do it because I ask God and He gives me a peace. And I have no peace whenever I think about going back to Wyoming to visit.

God, please just help me get through the next two weeks without caving into my codependent ways. I love you and thank you for taking care of my, blessing Kaleta's birthday party and holding me together tonight.

It Never Gets Better

2009-07-18T17:01:00.003-05:00

I think I've officially given up on things ever getting better. The spec house is gone. Almost 5 years of hard work with nothing to show for it. We don't make enough to pay our bills, so soon my Toyota will be gone, too. There is a possibility the house we live in will be gone soon, since we can't afford to pay the insurance, and neither can Bill and Oleta. I've given up on my family.

But mostly I've given up on myself. I used to enjoy things, but I think it was because I could to a point live in denial. I've not really changed. It's all just a huge joke and I'm the punchline.

Another Changed Life. What a crock. I hate who I am. I'm still fat. I still just can't quite forgive my mother, who hurts me over and over again and who I wish would just go away. I have really no family, but looking back I never really did. It was all about what I did for everyone else. With the exception of Michelle and Lu, no one has ever invested in me or my kids. They just really don't care.

And I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of being the only one who has to change or make any sort of effort. That day, the day that should have been one of the most special days of my life, the day the ballet I wrote happened, Cordel was my only blood relative in the audience. But still, I allowed myself to rejoice in it, until I saw my CR sponsor that night, who was very angry at me because, apparently she expected me to keep calling her and begging her to come. I called and e-mailed her and left her the information, but I still was the bad person.

I just am so tired and don't want to leave my house or make any effort. Why bother? I am not capable of change.

DONE!

2009-07-09T23:43:00.002-05:00

Yes, I'm a Done Girl. :) That is actually the name of a group I joined on SparkPeople. I liked the whole concept. If I'm going to give up on something, why not give up on what HASN'T been working. There is a new thought! So I'm done being fat and done being lazy.

Today I did very well eating healthy, staying within my limits and even went to the gym with Phil, walking for 30 minutes (and I mean POWER walking, kept my heart rate between 135 and 150). I feel tired, but better. Although we didn't talk much during the workout, Phil and I had a nice conversation before and after. It was a good thing to go to the gym. :)

But then I come home to my cluttered house. I'm not exactly sure how to be done with it.

Done. That is what I've been feeling for a long time, starting with a couple weeks after I first started getting sick. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel overwhelmed a bit. I still do. I still have all of this stuff I don't know what to do with. But I'm taking baby steps and little by little things are finally starting to come together.

It feels good to be done, you know. You really should try it. :)

My Head Hurts

2009-07-08T13:17:00.002-05:00

Have you ever had one of those headaches that just won't go away? Well, I've had one for a few days now, and even BC Powders won't take it away (and they always work).

So today I'm doing a juice fast to see if it's some sort of bug that needs to work it's way out of my system. It's finally starting to die down a little bit, but I just can't focus or get anything done, and I'm just frustrated.

I also noticed I was very, very bloated today. Not sure what is with that since my monthly is over. I hardly ate anything yesterday, and still gained 3 pounds last night. Not sure what is going on with my body, but I am truly frustrated.

So I'm curious what the juice fast is going to do. So far it's just given me diarrhea, but at least the bloating is about gone. Or maybe I was just sick to begin with. Who knows.

So I'm thinking seriously about taking a nap.

Happy Birthday, Sweet 16

2009-07-05T23:39:00.010-05:00

Today is my daughter's 16th birthday. It's hard for me to believe sometimes. I mean, it just seems like only yesterday that she was in diapers, taking her first steps, getting on that huge school bus, etc. Now she is driving cars, working (volunteer) on her own and so ready to take on the world. But I'm not ready. Not yet. I'm glad she has a couple years before she has to. :)

We had a pleasant day. Last night I let Kaleta stay up until midnight so she could watch year 15 fade away. Then I let her sleep in (as well as Cordel and Phil) and I went to do my volunteer for Sunday morning nursery. When I got home they were all still in bed! But they woke up quickly and we were off for Kaleta's birthday wishes.

First, we went and bought tickets for Ice Age 3. We decided to go to Springdale because the matinee there is only $4 each. It wasn't in 3D, but I really don't think it would have mattered, anyway.

After we bought the tickets we went for lunch at the Panda. One of the issues we've been having in financial, so we didn't have a whole lot of money, but we've learned a few tricks. Before we would have gone to the Panda and all gotten the all-you-can-eat buffet. We would have eaten way too much and been uncomfortable through the movie. And it would have cost around $30 with the tip.

Instead, we had Kaleta pick her two favorite lunch specials. She chose Broccoli Chicken and Beef with Vegetables. They both come with rice and an egg roll, so we ordered two extra egg rolls so we could all have one. Then we asked for extra plates. The two lunch specials are always piled high, and this was no exception! We all ate and had plenty, and the neat thing is you get to take home the leftovers (so Kaleta will have lunch for tomorrow). With a generous tip the total was only $13.00 (of course we all drank water). Kaleta was so happy! She thought we were going to have lunch at McD's. :)

We still had about an hour until the movie, so we went to Kmart and Hastings to just wander. Then off to the movie, which was by far the best Ice Age movie. The baby mammoth was SOOOOO cute!

Then we came home, grabbed the cake I made on Saturday and went over to Bill and Oleta's for birthday cake and ice cream. And I think it was when Phil was taking the picture of Kaleta holding the Sweet 16 cake that is sank in. She's not my baby anymore. My face in the picture says it all! It won't be long until she's either heading off to college or backpacking across Europe or being courted by a suitor. She makes wise choices, so I'm not worried about her future, just sad that the time God has blessed us with is getting so close to an end.

There was a scene in Ice Age where the sloth has to leave his 'kids' and he looks so sad, and I totally relate even though he only had his kids for about a day. It's so hard to let go, but so necessary.

I do think the most disappointing thing about today is not having any presents to open. But that is only because she got her car as part birthday present, and her actual party isn't until later in the month. But look how happy she is in her car!

Well, enough of my ranting. Time for bed!

Date #3 - Fireworks!

2009-07-03T17:37:00.003-05:00

Today Phil and I have actually been flirting. We decided that July we would not have sex, but that we could learn how to connect in other ways. I tell you, I actually sort of like flirting better than just having sex. Phil actually kissed me for almost three solid minutes. I miss that. I like this whole courtship/dating thing. :)

Tonight we are taking the kids to fireworks. We considered going to Celebrate Recovery, but the 4th of July has always been our family time, which is probably why it's my favorite holiday. Last year we took the kids, but it was ackward as when it came time to go to the groups the teens all left and pretty much ditched Kaleta, so we ended up leaving early anyway. I don't know if it was intentional or not, but she didn't want to go back after that and I really couldn't blame her.

Tonight we will go to fireworks at Veteran's Park. Kaleta is packing up berries and watermellon and we will also have chips with guacamole (or the fake Dean's stuff, anyway--it has no avacados).

I feel sorry for poor Sparky, who has to stay home alone with a neighborhood full of people who just love to set off fireworks. Sparky actually came to us on the 5th of July in 1999, after being abandoned and spending at least a few days on her own during a horrible storm and fireworks, so it's no wonder she shakes a lot this time of years. I'll turn on the TV loud before we leave so she won't feel so alone.

Well, I'm just rambling now, but sometimes it's nice to ramble. It's the little things we tend to forget. Like how fun it is to date!!!! Now I'm pumped for holding hands in the park. :)

LATER:
I have to admit it was a nice evening. It was fun watching Cordel run around and make new friends. It was fun just being together. It was fun cuddling while the fireworks were going off.

Sometimes we overlook the simple things. Looking back some of my favorite moments didn't involve planning, agendas or expectations. Things like watching Phil make those children's rocking chairs for the first time. Seeing the ocean with Phil for the first time. Touching a dolphin or a stingray. Watching Kaleta look at me for the first time. Hearing Cordel's first giggle. Holding my cat while she had kittens (she was just a kitten herself). Hearing Phil tell me how strong I was right after I gave birth to Kaleta, and that look of sheer admiration in his eyes. Phil kissing me on our wedding day--IN PUBLIC EVEN!

Some things just happen, and those things can give us so much joy. Little gifts from God to let us know how special we are to Him.

Yes, it was a good evening!

Date #2 and other stuff

2009-07-01T23:47:00.003-05:00

Cherry pie and conversation at McD's. Note to myself--work on finding interesting conversational items. Avoid being so negative. Think back to when you first met Phil--you listened more than you talked at first. Try to be more like that.

Started taking inositol today, and I do feel a bit more relaxed. I'll have to see how I sleep. Wouldn't it be funny if something as simple as a 1/4 t. of inositol powder a day could relieve my depression and hopefully my anxiety and mood swings? We'll see. It's also supposed to help with constipation (the only adverse side effects are diarrhea and gas if you take too much).

I'm frustrated with my computer. I was hoping to be able to hook it up to my TV, but it's saying it doesn't have a tuner and I know it does because we had it hooked up to the TV at one point. I've totally changed my mind about going back to school to learn more about computers. I just like sanity too much to risk it. :)

I also received my Beth Moore book today "Praying God's Word" and am looking forward to using it. I've always struggled with prayer, and remember when I was staying with my mother one time finding the book and reading through the chapters on areas I was struggling with. I was so sad when I had to go and leave the book behind.

So, although this is somewhat fragmented, it's my day. Only two minutes left of it, so I should get to bed.

Date # 1

2009-06-30T21:54:00.003-05:00

A walk down the hill after dinner. I sometimes feel like I don't even know who I am anymore. Where did I go? How can I find myself again?

Prayer: God, please show me who I am in You. Show me who You created me to be and please help me to become that person. Please help Phil find out who he is in You, too. Amen.

Starting Over

2009-06-30T19:05:00.002-05:00

Last night Phil packed his bags and left. I had a whole evening to think about life. I had to ask myself why I was struggling with forgiving. I had to ask myself why I'm so stuck in this situation. I called Phil a couple of times, then realized I was being co-dependent. I wasn't going to tell him what he wanted to hear just to get him back. I had to really mean it, and I didn't.

I finally at around 2 a.m. took a sleeping pill so I could get some sleep. When I woke up around 6:30 a.m. Phil was asleep next to the bed on the floor. I have no idea what time he got in, and I didn't ask. I'm not sure if he came in just a few minutes earlier because he had promised the kids he would take them blueberry picking (which didn't happen because they were out of blueberries) or if he had come in sometime after I fell asleep. But he was there, and honestly I sighed a breath of relief, which is when I realized I really don't want my family to fall apart.

Phil took the kids for the morning and most of the afternoon, just for some fun time. He needed that, to be reminded why he needed to stay--not for me or for him, but for our kids. That was why I didn't leave, because I couldn't leave my kids and I couldn't support them without Phil.

Maybe that is one advantage of being broke. You really do need each other. If I had gotten a college degree, was working full time, had put my kids in public school and was making $30-50k for year, it would have been easy for me to pack up my kids and leave. So maybe I'm just a little thankful that one of my character defects is not finishing projects to the end. Maybe it was a good thing I'm not independent.

But it isn't good that I'm co-dependent. It's not good that I equate sex with love, and that when Phil doesn't want to have sex with me that I automatically assume he doesn't love me. It's not good that I punish myself and blame myself when Phil messes up, and try to find reasons I caused him to act the way he does.

I met with a friend at lunch today. Her advice was basically to get over myself. I think she gave the advice for the wrong reasons, but the truth is that I was hurting, I was making this all about me. I really did need to get over myself and turn my attention to God.

I was going to go grocery shopping today, but after lunch I just couldn't stop crying. I decided to come home and take a nap.

I also decided it was time to make this blog private. I've allowed a couple of friends to view it, but at this point I just think it's best the whole world doesn't see my thoughts and feelings. I'm starting to realize that there are more judgemental, unsafe people than there are safe people.

So, anyway, Phil came home this afternoon and brought all of his things back into the house. We talked and decided we are going to start over, but still live in the same house. What does this mean?

I means no sex in July. We need to learn how to love each other and express love to each other in ways other than sex.

It means dating. Not that we have to spend tons of money, but maybe just going for a walk down the hill and back at night, or he could pick some wild flowers or I could write him a poem. These are things we used to do, before the porn first snuck it's way into our marriage and caused our love to become reduced to sex. This is just as much for me as for Phil. I think I put pressure on him to have sex with me to prove his love, but it never really feels like love to me. It's not true intimacy. When we are truly connecting and the intimacy is real, sex is great, not mechanical and so, well, sexual, like it is now. We need to make time to communicate with each other in healthy ways.

It means setting ground rules for communication. Neither of us 'fight fair'. We need to learn to listen better and express better.

It means forgiving and allowing a clean slate. I'm chosing to believe Phil right now even if I don't yet trust him. I'm not going to investigate to try to find out if he's telling the truth. I have to trust God a little more than I have in the last few days. God loved me and Phil so much that He led me to the e-mail that showed what Phil was doing. Had I been investigating and checking I might have never found it, but I didn't have to. God knew I needed to know. I was doing fine until I saw Phil talking to the neighbor and allowed Satan to have me believe the lie that Phil was going to have an affair with her. I knew in my heart I was over-reacting, and my reaction was out of hurt combined with other stories from women who's husbands had been involved with porn. But I can't judge Phil based on them. Phil is Phil. For the most part he is a good man. He used to love me unconditionally and showered me with affection. I know that when I had my meltdown he got the brunt of it, and I know there are many things I did that I will never remember, but he will. I pray someday he will be able to completely forgive me, too.

Most importantly, it means we both have to put God first in our marriage. It can't be work, the kids, love or anything else that keeps us together, because all of those things fail from time to time. But Jesus never fails. If I choose to put God first, even if my marriage does end up falling apart I will be okay.

So we are starting over. It is going to be hard. I will have to work at it. But I have hope that God will work a miracle in my marriage, if I can just hold on to that thread a little longer . . .

Through The Silence

2009-06-29T23:33:00.001-05:00

Tears softly fall on my pillow
I wonder Lord if You're here now
Why do I feel all this sorrow
I can barely see through the rain
I know there are no tomorrows
Where I wouldn't stop to follow
But tonight I feel so hollow
Please take away the pain
The night takes me into darkness
As a human I'm not fearless
Tonight I am not tearless
Though I know the battle is won
Through the silence You tell me
You're always here to help me
Through Your eyes I now see
Joy rises with the Son

Written in 1987

Don't Look At Me

2009-06-29T23:30:00.001-05:00

Don't look at me
For when you look at me my heart is warmed
As a firelight warms a cottage
For a moment I feel safe and secure wanting to touch your face
To hold you close, to kiss you
Don't look at me
It would be too easy for me to fall in love with you
Suddenly I'm afraid, I want to run
Please don't look at me
Because you might not like what you see
All that I've done, all that I am
My heart would shatter at rejection
Don't look at me
Love not gained cannot be lost, trust unearned never broken
Loneliness I already know
If you must look at me look deep inside
Feel my pain, my fears
Know me, why I am, understand me
Hold me close to your heart
Please look at me, then never look away

Written in 1990 shortly after meeting Phil.
I wish he would have taken my advice.

Slivers of Glass

2009-06-29T23:27:00.001-05:00

Slivers of glass surround me
Where I walk I leave a path of blood
All that I touch brings forth pain
Those I touch are sliced
Torn apart
Leaving small fragments
Of dreams
Of hope
Of life
Those I love must not get close
For I will cause them to suffer
Those who love me
Their hearts do bleed for me
So I must stay in the distance
For I am the one who causes pain

I wrote this in 1989
Still true in 2009
I just don't care anymore

Holding On By A Thread

2009-06-26T22:35:00.002-05:00

I wish I could say today everything is dandy, but after CR I just wanted to run home and cry. Which is why I decided instead to run quickly to Walmart to find some sort of easy system for my kids chores, which needs to go in effect by Monday morning. I found a perfect little 3-drawer container with a little compartment on top, and it will work perfectly for what I've been thinking of doing. There is a drawer for each of the kids and me, and the compartment on top is for completed tasks. There is also a place where I can store extra cards.

Yes, that is what ACA's and co-dependents do. We find something to keep our mind distracted so we don't have to feel. So I'm sitting her typing feeling numb. I have no idea how I feel except empty.

Will things ever get better? I don't know. I took a blue chip because I have to surrender this pain that is numbing me. I know, sounds like a contradiction in terms, but when I hurt I shut down and I stop feeling. The only way I can do that is to totally surrender my husband's recovery and focus on my own, so that is my blue chip, which I plan to give to my husband. This will mean no checking, no asking, no telling what to do, no rescuing. From here on out if God wants me to know something (like He did the other night) He will reveal it to me. I surrender it completely, which is very hard for me but best for both of us and the best way for him to succeed long term and me to be free to do what I need to do.

I realized tonight I am holding on by a thread and I fear it won't take much to snap it. I have hope in Christ, and that will keep me moving forward, at least for now. But if I get hurt again what is left won't be enough to hold my family together. I know that, but I don't think my husband does, which is why I fear the thread will snap here pretty soon. I've forgiven him, but it will take a lot for me to trust him again.

Trust, such a theme in my life. It's so hard for me to trust, and what I've done in the past is punish those who are trustworthy because of those who have broken my trust. I think at least now I'm learning how to trust, who to trust and how to separate hate from lack of trust. Yes, it is possible to forgive and love someone who has proven themselves untrustworthy or abusive, and still not trust them or not allow them to continue to abuse you. ACA's tend to think if someone doesn't trust you they can't possibly have forgiven you or love you. That is the lie Satan wants us to believe, and where the false guilt and shame comes from that causes us to cling to abusive relationships. I'm chosing to not believe the lie.

Which means I'm going to have to let myself feel. I'm so scared. I can feel anger, but there are other emotions I need to feel, too, and they frighten me. Especially since I'm not able to identify these emotions that are trying so hard to break through.

God, please help me to hold on. Please, help me to know what to do, who to trust, when to stay or when to leave. Please help me to love through the pain, to forgive thru the distrust and to stay focused on my recovery and not get sidetracked because of what happened.

In Jesus name,
Amen

Prov 13:12 "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." (NIV)

Rom 8:18-28 "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God. We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (NIV)

Patient Endurance

2009-06-25T22:50:00.002-05:00

"Do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord, no matter what happens. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that he has promised." Heb 10:35-36 (NLT)

I've never been one to be patient. I was also the one to always give up just before the finish line. I think my Celebrate Recovery step study was the first thing I ever completed, at least without quitting and returning. I stress that is my step study, not to be confused with my recovery, which seems to be relatively continual.

When I read this verse it was like God was speaking directly to me. I was truly ready to give up and just quit. I'm so tired and it just seems like things never get much better. I've tried to stay positive in extremely negative situations, which isn't my nature--it's something I really have to make an effort at.

Today I actually took care of myself. I made my daughter call her ballet teacher to see if she could go to ballet an hour early so that I could meet a friend for lunch. (In the past I would have just cancelled lunch). She could so I did and I had a good conversation with my friend.

After that I had an hour until my daughter was done with ballet, so I started to read a book on co-dependency (my current issue). For some reason this made me very angry. I think it was because I saw exactly what I had done. I always make it easy for those who hurt me, because I don't want to lose their love. Yesterday was so hard, but I had to do it, and today was even harder because I had to explain to my husband how angry I was, which was confusing since I've been okay for the last few days--at least on the outside.

I don't know if I communicated with him what is eating me, or why I'm so hurt. But he called a family meeting and apologized to me and the kids, something I wasn't expecting. And then he said he was going to start taking more parental responsibility. I so need that right now. After getting Cordel's test scores back and seeing he was testing very low (1st grade reading and mid second grade math) I just felt like such a failure. It was just too much for me to work and teach and clean house and take care of Phil. Something had to give, and it was Cordel's education.

And maybe that was why I was really angry, because I've just felt alone for so long and feel soley responsible for raising the kids. Maybe, finally, we will be a team instead of two people living together with kids.

But I also have to be realistic. Nothing happens overnight. I will have to patiently endure while Phil makes changes (some of which I might not agree with but if I'm going to let him take the lead I have to trust him and allow him to make choices, even if they don't work). I will have to trust God over Phil. And I will have to do my part.

Who knows, maybe someday there will even be an award. I'd settle for Cordel catching up to the fourth grade level he should be in! :)

Keyless

2009-06-24T18:43:00.003-05:00

What do you do when someone you love refuses to change and what they are doing is hurting you over and over again? This seems to be the current theme of my life, and I struggle with knowing when to try to restore a relationship, when to let it go and how to not feel extreme guilt if I have to walk away.

I think there are some key ingredients in a healthy relationship. I wish I could be wise and tell you what they are, but since I was raised in a dysfunctional family and now realize I married into one, I really couldn't tell you what those are. I'm clueless.

Today I'm feeling a bit broken and wondering if I can ever be repaired. It's sort of like someone who is born blind. Maybe by some miracle their sight will be fully restored, but more likely than not they will have to learn how to live with their handicap. Since they've never seen they don't know what vision really is, even though they can imagine what it would be like to see, all they really see is darkness.

I will never know what it's like to grow up with healthy, Christian parents and a functional family with unconditional love and peace and healthy conflict resolution. I will never know what it feels like to have a childhood free of emotional abuse, pornography, sexual abuse and spiritual abuse. I will never know what it's like to be a kid who likes who they are, who doesn't feel dirty or stupid or ugly. Even as an adult as I'm learning that what I went through in my childhood wasn't my fault, and that I'm not what was done to me or what I was told, but that I'm a precious child of God who He chose and who is loved, my mind just can't quite wrap my mind around the concept, because I just don't know what that looks like other than in theory.

I see people who did grow up like that and it hurts even more. To be comfortable in your own skin, even if you're not perfect, amazing. I sometimes wonder if those people understand what a precious gift God gave them, what a blessing they have. I'm trying to see the blessing of being raised in dysfunction, and although I'm thankful for the gifts of compassion and understand (that I don't have a shock factor, so important when you are listening to an inventory) and I really in my mind know that with the pain also came these gifts, I would have much rather had parents who loved me, who were involved in my life, who encouraged me and who didn't expose me to the sin in their lives at a very, very young age.

I know that God loves me and that He's forgiven me my sins and that even if I mess up again (and I will) that He will forgive me again I'm still struggling with the great sense of unworthiness, of shame.

I guess that is why I'm afraid to sever any relationship right now, even the unhealthy ones, because I don't know if I'm really doing what is best for myself or if I'm just running away. I just know I'm tired of being hurt, of being made out to be something I am not, of having it made clear I'm not good enough and never will be. I mean, I'm not talking to my parents anymore, but I can't bear to tell them to get lost, either, and I don't know if that is coming from God or co-dependency.

I feel like three years of recovery was lost in one hard, painful month. I'm back at step one. Well, maybe step two because I know I need God, that I've failed and that I can't do it on my own and I am surrendering it to Him. Although I still sometimes wonder if it's possible to be restored completely to sanity when I was born into insanity.

Shhhhhhhh!

2009-06-20T23:52:00.003-05:00

Secrets. I hate secrets. My whole life I grew up with secrets so unmentionable that I'd have to make this restricted content if I told. I grew up longing for a place I would feel safe and loved. Finally yesterday I purged the last of those secrets, only to find there were so many others I didn't even know about.

Secrets. It seems everyone has them. But should we? Aren't secrets the very thing that keeps us in our dysfunction?

Do I tell or don't I tell, if there is a secret that will destroy something so important to me if I choose to hold on to it? I have nothing to gain by keeping it and everything to lose by sharing it. No matter what I lose, and I'm angry. I never wanted to be in this place again.

God, why couldn't you just let us live in denial. Why did you have to reveal this to me? Why couldn't the offender just be honest with me and confess, so I didn't have to hurt so badly????? Why????

Secrets. How many more are there that I don't know about. By keeping them the offender is only getting better at covering their tracks, and I'm only a fool, always a fool.

I HATE SECRETS!!!! I HATE PEOPLE WHO ASK ME TO HIDE SECRETS FOR THEM!!! I HATE SECRETS THAT BRING ME SHAME!!! I HATE THE LIES I HAVE TO TELL TO KEEP THEIR SECRETS SAFE!!! I HATE HAVING TO BE AROUND PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN THE LAND OF SECRETS AND EXPECT YOU TO LIVE THERE, TOO!!! I HATE PEOPLE WHO HIDE THINGS FROM ME!!!! I HATE PEOPLE WHO CHOSE THE SECRETS OVER GOD!!! I HATE THE INSANITY THE SECRETS CAUSE!!!!

SSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Don't tell. Don't let everyone know how stupid you are once again. Don't tell.

But I have to, so the insanity will stop. It's time for the insanity to stop . . . even if I lose everything. The truth is I've already lost everything.

Searching AND Fearless

2009-06-19T22:14:00.002-05:00

Today I met my sweet friend at a park and we shared part of our inventories with each other. I started and thought I had been pretty thorough. That was until she shared hers. I sat there listening to her honesty, even though there were parts that were painful. I realized that although I had done a searching inventory, and covered things like my character defects, I hadn't really done a fearless inventory. It didn't take me long to realized that although I always brushed the surface on my inventories, I never gave specifics. But there were a few I really needed to get out there on the table, picnic table though it was!

I found myself after she finished opening up and sharing things I had only shared with my husband, if I had even shared them with him. I felt the weight of the world lift from my shoulders. I also saw things in her own story that hit close to my heart, but since it was a different perspective I was able to see things in my own life that I had missed.

That was when I realized that sharing our hardships or pain and confessing our sins verbally to another isn't just for our benefit. It also benefits those who we share it with, if nothing more that to let them know they are not alone.

Fearless . . . this is something I strive to be. Although I've come a long way from the little girl who feared everything to who I am today, I am still a far cry from being fearless. But every time I face a fear I get just a little closer because God helps me to overcome them.

Searching . . . this I'm not doing so much anymore. I used to long for so many things that were always just out of my reach. I would search, but I was looking in the wrong places. God has a strange way of putting what we need in our path and we have a strange way of overlooking it because of our own perceptions of what we need looks like! I'm starting to learn to look for those hidden treasures, which I'm pleased to discover aren't all that hard to find anymore.

I'm so in love with my Savior! He amazes me every day. I just can't get over how much He loves me, and how He provides for every need in my life! The more I cling to Him the less clingy I get. The more I lean on Him the less needy I am. So funny how that works.

Sorry for my scattered thoughts. I've had a LOT to process today! :)

Creative, Who Me?

2009-06-16T22:04:00.007-05:00

When I was young I painted a picture of a tree with a cloud that went to the state fair. I don't know what happened to it. I also painted a picture of a white persian cat that had eyes that looked so real that they almost looked like they were looking back at you. I have no idea where it ended up, but I do have it in a picture somewhere. I've written poems that have been lost and short stories that are somewhere in a box. I've done arts and crafts for mother's day out and decorated for parties. But I've never really thought of myself as creative, until today.

My sister sent me a message asking how I painted the flowers on my niece's bedroom wall several years ago.

We had just finished painting my niece's room white, and it just looked so plain. My niece and I were bored and she wanted to dress up her bedroom and got the green flag from my dad, which is very rare. So we went and bought some black and yellow paint and some sponges. We took the sponges and cut out daisies, then we dipped it in the black paint and started throwing daisies all over her walls. Some of them were light because they didn't have enough paint and others were very dark with a little paint dripping down from them, which almost looked like stems. But because of the variations it gave it dimension. When it was dry I took a round paintbrush and filled some of the centers with yellow paint. I was just thinking I wish I had a picture of that room so you could see, and then I remembered I do! It's one of my favorites, my little treasures.

This picture was taken the year we hit the road in our RV. We had stopped at Precious Moments Chapel on the way to Kansas City, MO and they were having some sort of a celebration (I think it was the 25th anniversary or something) and they had a Precious Moments Look-a-like Contest. Kaleta won first prize for her age. She also won the raffle, which is why 'Joy' is in the trunk with them.

Cordel couldn't even walk yet. They were playing in Michelle's room in this old trunk that used to be in my Grandma Hazel's house. I loved that old trunk, all painted gold. :) I don't know why they were in the trunk, but my mother took this picture. It is so precious to me because my children are my treasures, the riches God has given me for a short time. They have been such a blessing to me. And if you look in the background you will see the flowers. This was in the corner, so I think there is only one or two that have yellow centers. But you can get the idea.

God has blessed me in so many ways. Satan likes to defeat us and get us to focus on all of the battles around us, and sometimes we forget to stop and take a moment to look at the flowers on the wall. We know they are there, but they start to fade from our memories.

I often wonder if the people who bought that house painted over the flowers, or if they left them there. :) I do know that those flowers stayed in that house long after Michelle graduated, went off to college and had kids. She would come home to visit and those flowers were always there to welcome her, or any of us. Everytime I would visit and sleep in that room I would think of all the fun Michelle and I had painting those flowers, late into the night. I remember her telling me it was okay if they dripped because it looked like stems and make it unique. I guess creativity runs in the family.

Creativity, it's a gift from God that I sometimes don't appreciate in myself. I do often look back to see the imprint I've left on the world. Instead I tend to assume there is nothing good about myself. So maybe I needed to see that I actually painted (or co-painted) the backdrop to my favorite picture. Maybe it's time I really start to appreciate the gift of creativity God has given me and stop trying to shove it in some sort of closet thinking it's not important.

Wisdom's Challenge

2009-06-15T10:59:00.004-05:00

Yesterday was sort of an interesting day. Phil was wiped out with everything that is going on at the spec house (having to get everything out and still work a full-time job) so he was exhausted so I pretty much let him sleep most of the day. So I took the kids to church and then we went to Sam's club for our standard concession stand lunch.

Afterwards we came home, watched a movie and just rested. I left thinking Phil was going to sleep more, but instead he went to the spec house to get a little more of the tile and things we didn't want to leave. It's amazing how much stuff was in that garage!

I went to The Well. It was nice. I sat with my friend, Rebecca. We just soaked God in. Oh, how I wish I could just stay in that place all of the time. Wouldn't it be great if life were just one big Well celebration. To think that it's just a small glimpse of what we have to look forward to! Just an eternity of worshipping our God. Holy, holy, holy!

Afterwards I met up with Phil and the kids and we decided to go to Braums. So we had ice cream for dinner (not something we do often). This was something I regret, because the sugar and I just don't mix, so I didn't sleep well at all!

Which takes me back to the sermon yesterday about wisdom. I do believe that sometimes it's okay to just do something fun, like eating ice cream for dinner. But you have to weigh that against what is best and see if maybe, just maybe, the fun isn't worth the sacrifice. There is always a place for wisdom in our lives.

So, today is the 15th. I'm taking Sam's advice from yesterday's sermon. He said that he gave his kids a challenge to read a Proverb everyday and to each day find two verses, one that gave them insight and the other that left them saying, "What?". So I am going to find one verse that really speaks to me and one I just doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. Unfortunately I can't go to my parents for wisdom at this time in my life, but if over the next couple of months I post a verse that doesn't make sense to me but it does make sense to you, please feel free to comment about it.

Proverbs 15

The verse that really stuck out today is:
16 Better a little with the fear of the LORD
than great wealth with turmoil.
We are facing some things today that we really need to have reverence for God with, that we need to seek His wisdom on, because if we gain without God's approval we will again find ourself shortly in famine.

There was only one verse that I'm really not sure what it means, even in context:
25 The LORD tears down the proud man's house
but he keeps the widow's boundaries intact.
I get the first part, but am not sure what the second part about the widow's boundaries means. I'm sure it has something to do with traditions I don't know about. So if you have insight, please do share. :0

Reminiscing

2009-06-13T17:11:00.004-05:00

There was a time not too long ago when I was at the end of my rope and I just wanted to go home. On that night I found myself at the Spec house. For some reason at that moment that was the only place in my world that felt like home. The earthy colors of the stone and wood and slate, the large windows that let the light shine in and revealed God's beauty in the trees and the sky, the cozy fireplace and even the back balcony just called to me. I sat there wondering why I was there instead of at the house we lived in, and yet I couldn't leave. At least not at that moment. It was a huge moment for me.

It was there I found peace as I talked to God. It was the first time in my life that I had hit a huge hurdle and didn't blame God. Instead I poured my heart out to Him as I sat in the bathtub in the master bedroom. I had come to know my God so much better since we first broke ground on the spec house. Why does this place just mean so much to me.

Looking back it's because the building of our spec house corresponds to my journey through the process of recovery. I didn't want to build the spec house. I told Phil I didn't think we should do it. But in the end I signed the papers because I was told by my mother-in-law that I would be a bad wife if I didn't. When things first started to crumble about a year into it I blamed Phil, his parents and the bank. I felt so much shame every time I went to church and was asked how it was going. I was embarrassed by my husband, who I felt had taken on to much. I was so angry, bitter, resentful, hateful, self-absorbed. It was through all that anger I sank into deep depression and started having thoughts of taking my life.

When the house faced forclosure the first time I had just started a step study. I was still in denial in so many ways. The bank shut us off for funds while I was working on my first inventory. It was about that time Phil could no longer pay employees, so I did something I had never done before. I put aside my bitterness and started to work beside Phil.

Then I wrote a letter to his oldest brother asking for help. To my amazement he showed up and would work for free by Phil's side over the next two years. He was a source of strength and encouragement Phil needed.

As the house slowly was being built as we could come up with the money to buy materials, so my soul was being restored as I started to invest in my spiritual health. God was building me while Phil was building this house. I saw in every stage of the building process a correlation to the restoration God was doing in my life. It truly was amazing, looking back.

God has used the spec house to strengthen my trust in Him, to strengthen our marriage, to teach us, to develope our character and to help us to learn how never to give up.

Somewhere in the process I went from resenting my husband to admiring him. He never quit, even when everyone, even me, was telling him it was hopeless. He talked about doing the right thing, even if it seemed crazy. If you ever walk through that house and you know my husband at all, you can see him in every little detail. It is so beautiful.

Phil could have built a cheap home and sold it and we could maybe be out of debt right now, maybe even made a profit. But I wouldn't have admired him as much. It's sort of like my salvation. I used to think I was such a great Christian, but I was just a cheap imitation. I knew all the rules and maybe even thought I looked good on the outside, but those who knew me knew my character. I was weak, faulty and fragile. I didn't survive storms. My roof leaked.

And maybe it was Phil's attention to detail that led me to the spec house that day. That day the old me would have walked away from my marriage, but instead I asked God what to do. And the solid foundation He had laid in my heart told me to keep going, even if everyone else said I was crazy. From that moment I had a peace about the spec house, and even my marriage.

Tomorrow may be the last time I ever get to set foot in the Spec house. Today I realized just how much that place means to me. It is a dear friend, a refuge, a reflection of what hope is, of what perseverence is and what trust is.

If I could go back to the moment where I had to sign those papers knowing everything I know today, knowing that we will lose everything, that nothing monetary would be gained from building this house, would I do it again?

Yes, in a heartbeat!

Will I?

2009-06-12T23:21:00.006-05:00

Tonight I'm watching Facing the Giants with my kids. I think I really needed this movie, not because it is something new--I've seen it many times before. It's more of a reflection thing.

Why have I gone through all I have over the last four years? Why would a God that loves me allow me to face so many hardships and trials? Why wouldn't He rescue me or at least make it a bit easier on me? Why?

But maybe instead of asking "Why?", maybe I should be asking another question. I need to ask "Will I?"

There is a point in the movie where the coach's wife goes to the clinic to see if she is pregnant, knowing that the doctors have said it's pretty much impossible for her to conceive. Both of them had accepted and grieved and chose to find purpose in what they could do--bring glory to God.

But that is easier said than done when you are faced with a loss of all of your dreams. How do you give up and move on, knowing you probably won't get you're heart's desire?

You have to ask the question, and really, really, really search your heart for the answer. You have to ask, "Will I still love You, Lord, even if everything I've hoped for is snatched away and all I'm left with is You?"

When I started this blog my response to hardships in life was to get angry at God. I would throw temper tantrums and just know that I couldn't trust God. He despised me. He was punishing me. I didn't deserve anything. My life was meaningless. It is no wonder I was ready to take my life and throw it away.

I wanted my parent to love me unconditionally, and was so angry when that didn't really happen. I will still love You, Lord. I WILL still love You.

I wanted another baby after Cordel was born. But he's almost 10, and that dream is probably not going to happen. I will still love You, Lord. I WILL still love You.

I wanted a house with a yard, a home that I would be able to use for Bible studies. Something we owned. But our credit is horrible so owning a home is out of the question. Plus, the house we life in has an ant problem and mold and is falling apart. I will still love You, Lord. I WILL still love You.

I want to be able to get my hair cut and buy new clothes without sacrificing other things. I want to be able to go to the doctor or dentist without feeling guilty because of the way it piles up bills. I want my needs not to feel like wants. But money is low, especially now that I'm not working. I will still love You, Lord. I WILL still love You.

There is nothing I have faced in the last year that I had to face alone. You were always with me, Lord, because You still love me. You love me when I disobey You no more than when I honor You. You love me when I fail no more than when I succeed. You love me in poverty no more than in posperity. You love me whether I chose You or walk away. And the only thing You ever have wanted from me is for me to say that I will love You no matter what my circumstance, no matter what giants I face, no matter how hard life gets. You want me to love You more that my parent or friends or children or things or even my husband.

So if everything falls apart I WILL still love You. I WILL still praise You. I WILL still honor You. I WILL still thank You.

I WILL.

1 Cor 1:18-31
18 {The Wisdom of God--} I know very well how foolish the message of the cross sounds to those who are on the road to destruction. But we who are being saved recognize this message as the very power of God.
19 As the Scriptures say, "I will destroy human wisdom and discard their most brilliant ideas."
20 So where does this leave the philosophers, the scholars, and the world's brilliant debaters? God has made them all look foolish and has shown their wisdom to be useless nonsense.
21 Since God in his wisdom saw to it that the world would never find him through human wisdom, he has used our foolish preaching to save all who believe.
22 God's way seems foolish to the Jews because they want a sign from heaven to prove it is true. And it is foolish to the Greeks because they believe only what agrees with their own wisdom.
23 So when we preach that Christ was crucified, the Jews are offended, and the Gentiles say it's all nonsense.
24 But to those called by God to salvation, both Jews and Gentiles, Christ is the mighty power of God and the wonderful wisdom of God.
25 This "foolish" plan of God is far wiser than the wisest of human plans, and God's weakness is far stronger than the greatest of human strength.
26 Remember, dear brothers and sisters, that few of you were wise in the world's eyes, or powerful, or wealthy when God called you.
27 Instead, God deliberately chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose those who are powerless to shame those who are powerful.
28 God chose things despised by the world, things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important,
29 so that no one can ever boast in the presence of God.
30 God alone made it possible for you to be in Christ Jesus. For our benefit God made Christ to be wisdom itself. He is the one who made us acceptable to God. He made us pure and holy, and he gave himself to purchase our freedom.
31 As the Scriptures say, "The person who wishes to boast should boast only of what the Lord has done."
(NLT)

Closure and Foreclosure

2009-06-11T11:38:00.006-05:00

"O LORD, hear my prayer, listen to my cry for mercy; in your faithfulness and righteousness come to my relief. Do not bring your servant into judgment, for no one living is righteous before you. The enemy pursues me, he crushes me to the ground; he makes me dwell in darkness like those long dead. So my spirit grows faint within me; my heart within me is dismayed. I remember the days of long ago; I meditate on all your works and consider what your hands have done. I spread out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land. Selah. Answer me quickly, O LORD; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit. Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. Rescue me from my enemies, O LORD, for I hide myself in you. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground. For your name's sake, O LORD, preserve my life; in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble. In your unfailing love, silence my enemies; destroy all my foes, for I am your servant." Ps 143:1-12 (NIV)

Psalm 143 pretty much sums up the way I feel today. Our prayers have been answered, although not how we had hoped. The spec house is being turned over to the bank. It is finally over.

Closure. This is what we've been praying for over the last few months. I wish I could say my heart is freed by this, and it is in a way, but I'm also grieving. This means we probably will not ever own a home of our own while our children are living with us. This means Kaleta will probably have to work her way through college. This means life will be hard in a lot of ways.

But what does a hard life do for you? Doesn't hardship lead to a pathway to peace? I mean, anyone can feel content when everything is going their way, but isn't it a great gift from God to feel content when everything is falling apart?

Am I content? As I ponder this question today I have to say that I'm content as long as I don't start focusing on the world's standards of how things should be. I have a good husband who is faithful to me and loves me. I have obedient children who love God and are creative and intellegent and wise beyond their years. I have true friends for the first time in my life. Most importantly, I have a Savior who is holding me up even though the old man in me really wants to just break down, I just can't. I know in my heart it will all work out.

Why? Because of the small storms of the past five years. God has gotten us through those rocky times, so as we face this huge hurricane I know He will get us through this, too. So I'm thankful for the hardships, the trials, the pain . . . all of which have led me to trust my God more than myself or others.

Yes, I'm content. I'm more than content, because I do have a peace beyond all understanding.

Why do we so fear things like foreclosure? Foreclosure can lead to freedom. We sin to a point that we foreclose on our very soul. The debt is way more than we can pay and the bank of hell tries to steal our heart away from us. But then Jesus comes and redeems us. Our lives may not look like we had dreamed, but they are always better than we could have hoped when we allow Him to settle our debts for us.

That is true closure.

This is the story of our spec house. The pictures show what we were building on the outside. The songs represent what God was doing on the inside.
Spec House

Storm Snuggling

2009-06-10T23:31:00.005-05:00

I'm figuring out that it is very hard for me to be still and just listen to God. I often find myself turning on the music or the t.v. because I struggle with silence. But tonight I'm in the silence. I think what scares me the most is that I've not heard anything. No still, small voice of assurance.

I have no idea what God wants from me anymore. I just feel to empty this week. I know part of it is taking a breather from service. But I did need to rest and heal, but now I just find myself being restless, and I'm not sure if that is a side effect of going off the meds or if I'm such a work-a-holic that I don't know how to just be home anymore.

Then I think of poor Phil. He's working himself to death, which I realized he'd do whether or not I'm home, but now I feel guilty because we aren't making ends meet. No matter if I was working or not, we never seemed to quite get caught up. And we are both so weary. But especially Phil.

Two of our cats snuck out last night and spent the night in the storm. Normally they fight constantly, but today they actually curled up together on the couch and snuggled. I mean, Barney actually had his arm around Katie. They by nature knew they needed to set aside differences and rest after facing a night of being out in the storm, unprotected.

Phil and I have faced almost five years worth of storms. Still, there is nothing I seem to look forward to more than just holding him and snuggling. Probably what I miss the most about him not being here at nights is being held. I was so glad Phil was home last night because I felt a bit safer during the storm. There is nothing worse than a stormy night alone.

It seems the winds have been constantly blowing hard against us, and with very little protection against everything that has poured down on us. And that is why I need to rest. The storm isn't over, it's just settled for a moment. But it's going to get very rough when the spec house does forclose and Bill and Oleta lose their home. This means we will possibly be homeless ourselves (or at least have to move back into the RV). So I need to rest up, get prayed up, clean up and allow God to restore my strength. I also need to remember that God is always snuggling me through the storms, holding me so I can rest if I just choose to trust His safe arms.

"Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen." 1 Peter 5:9-11 (NIV)

Yet another day

2009-06-09T21:44:00.003-05:00

Today was a fun day. It was just Kaleta and me once again. I forgot to let her drive home, so I'll let her drive somewhere tomorrow. I took her to Sonics so she could use her gift card. Life is good. :)

I found a really good cookbook with diabetic exchanges, so I'm going to start using it so I can not only save money but also learn portion control. We are going to start making all of our own breads, so this should get interesting. :) I made Turkey and Dumplings tonight with whole wheat (that I ground with my new grain mill) flour and it was very tasty and filling. I think using whole grains is going to go a long way in helping me with portion control, plus the fiber will help, too.

I did work out last night, but have decided working out in the mornings will work out better for me. So tomorrow morning I'm going to get up and hit the gym. If I don't feel like going to the gym I need to do at least a 30 minute exercise video. But I do want to walk on a treadmill at least 30 minutes three times a week. It just gives a really good workout.

It's hard getting used to this slower pace. Really hard. I still struggle with feeling like I'm not worth anything anymore. I'm fighting off the need to look for a job. I have to trust God and listen to Him, and He's saying I need to stay home for now. I don't know why other than it's really helping the kids. I think it helps Phil, too.

Tonight I take a Lexapro. I honestly don't see a difference between the days I've taken it and the days I haven't other than on the nights I don't take it I haven't had nightmares.

I'm working towards having a normal life for maybe the first time in my entire life. We'll see how that goes. :)

Going off the meds

2009-06-07T11:44:00.002-05:00

I feel it's best to write down how I'm feeling every day that I'm off of my Lexapro. Today I will actually take 1 Lexapro, but last night I skipped my dose. I will take on on Tuesday, then skip Wednesday and take 1/2 pill on Thursday and skip Friday and take my last 1/2 dose on Saturday. Then I will be Lexapro free.

I have to say today I feel better than I have in a couple of weeks. Maybe this is a God thing that I am going off. I know the last time I had some bad responses to the medication. I do feel balanced.

I'll go back on the 5-htp/B-6 combo, on alternate days of the meds, and then up my dose when I'm totally off. The main thing is I don't want to dip back into depression.

I do believe God is in total control of my brain. It is not His desire for me to dip back into insanity, so I trust that He is going to sustain me through this. I need to use this time to totally focus on His will for me.

"Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up." (NIV) James 4:7-10

Trust

2009-06-06T22:56:00.002-05:00

God wants me to trust Him, and that trust has never be so fully put to the test as it will be over the next week. I went to fill my Lexapro prescription and it was almost $100.00, and I simply didn't have close to that much. I have three pills left, so I'm going to have to wean myself off them starting tonight.

The thing is I've been wondering if these are helping or hurting me anyway. I can't sleep at night, and when I do I have horrible nightmares. Then I'm tired all day.

I'm totally going to have to put my trust in God for my sanity.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings. And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen." (NIV)1 Pet 5:6-11

"Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise." (NIV) Jer 17:14

A Normal Day at Home

2009-06-02T22:32:00.003-05:00

I'm a stay-at-home mom again. It has finally sunk in and I truly enjoyed it today. I helped Cordel with his homework. We took Kaleta to ballet, and while she danced Cordel and I went to the park and the library. We had a laid back day. I forgot how much I missed those. I've just been so busy for so long, it's hard to give myself permission to slow down without feeling guilty.

Tonight we waited for Phil to come home. We had checked out Wall-E from the library, so we watched it and it just finished up when Phil walked through the door. He surprised us with steaks, so we had steaks and steamed veggies for dinner, very nice and very tasty.

Now I'm just hanging out with Phil while he watches the news. We are about ready to go to bed. He has the night off so I actually will get to sleep with him, something I now see as a luxury.

Today was just so nice and normal. God truly is blessing my decision to come home. And now that I've forgiven myself for walking away from my job, I can truly feel that blessing. God will provide and we will survive and thrive.

Hidden Power

2009-06-01T13:03:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I forget that I do have a source of power and someone to turn to to give me strength. All I have to do is ask.

It's only 1 p.m. and already God has helped me to get so much done. I'm amazed at what happens when I just ask. I was wanting a person, but God wants me to trust and lean on Him.

So many times in trying to be independent I hide the power of God under a bushel or quench the light He's shining so brightly.

So today I asked for God's help, meditated on His Word and put on praise and worship music. That is what I should be doing every single day, not just when I feel like laying down and giving up. I shouldn't be getting to that point.

Yes, my friend is right. It is time to do a searching and fearless inventory once again, because there is obviously something deep inside that is still trying to tell me I can't trust God. Maybe an unconfessed sin or a lie that is telling me I don't deserve Him?

Oh, why can't I just automatically trust God without having to think? I like the Out of the Grey song, "Love Like Breathing". I want to trust and love God like it's a reflex. That means exercising my faith daily, choosing to trust Him daily, until it becomes such a habit that every breath I take will glorify Him.

Then the power won't be hidden anymore.

Playing Possum

2009-05-31T20:37:00.003-05:00

Believe it or not Philip actually brought home an opossum today. It was a baby, and apparently Kaleta almost hit it with her car right in front of our house. Phil didn't see the mother, so he put it in a bucket (it was playing possum, so it was pretty easy to catch). So when he brought it in and I looked in the bucket it truly looked dead, until I poured some cat food in the bucket, then it came to life. Apparently it was hungry.

So tonight I was pondering a bit and realized I'm playing possum, too. I've laid down and given up because I just don't know what else to do. I know that is a safety net for me, and I really am still tired from being sick, but I could do more. I'm so hungry for any sense of a normal life, but all I seem to get is more junk and I'm just overwhelmed, so I curl up and just play dead. I don't know what else to do.

The list is so long and it will never, ever be done. It's not just about cleaning the house, either. If the house were totally empty and I scrubbed every inch it would still be a scary place to live. We have wasps and huge spiders in our attic that come down to visit all the time. We have carpenter ants that have built a condo in our kitchen floor. We have weeds in our yard that Cordel could hide in standing up. We have so much junk that Tom left that even if I wanted to I couldn't put it in my car to get rid of it. The house needs a new roof and paint and repairs from the water damage and a new back deck and new windows . . . I could go on and on. The truth is with a turle and an opposum on the back porch right now, I just am really feeling like a hillbilly, and I HATE it. This is not home, and unless something changes it will never be. But I don't know how to change it.

What I need is a miracle. I need someone to offer to help that won't judge me. And right now I really don't know who to ask. Or even exactly what to ask for.

Until then I'll just live in my little dream world I guess, so that I can survive.

Renewed

2009-05-27T08:36:00.003-05:00

Today I woke up the first time in a long time without feeling like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I slept well last night. I didn't toss and turn and there were no nightmares. Maybe my mind has finally finished processing. Or maybe I've finally totally surrendered it to God.

I am so ready to be renewed today. I love this verse: "Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." Psalm 51:10

I just want God to pour over me and wash out any resentment or sinfulness or false guilt and shame and create that newness that only comes from Him.

What do you need, Terri?

2009-05-26T09:32:00.003-05:00

Gal 5:22-25
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires.25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.(NIV)

Mark 12:30-31
30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.'31 The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."(NIV)

Ps 31:24
24 Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD.(NIV)

Rom 5:1-8
1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.3 Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;4 perseverance, character; and character, hope.5 And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.6 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.7 Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die.8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.(NIV)

What God is telling me I need is a few days with the computer off and my mind set on Him.

What do you want, Terri?

2009-05-25T09:59:00.004-05:00

A couple of weeks ago I was in a meeting at work and I was struggling to hold it together, because I wasn't on the medication yet. I was doing fine until I was asked the question, "What do you want, Terri?" Then I fell apart.

I fell apart because my whole life the things I wanted were always a touch out of reach. Things that most kids didn't have to ask for I didn't dare ask for, like new clothes or to get a hug, because I would be rejected. I got to a point where I stopped asking. I would try to hard to do everything I was told and be a good girl, only to get yelled at because my best was never quite enough. When I was 16 I got a job and that was the first time since I was very little I got to go to school with new clothes, and that felt so good. I learned that if I needed anything I would have to do it for myself.

So here I am at 42 and my best is still never enough. I don't dare ask things like having the tile floor in my kitchen (which is pretty much rotting away) fixed, or anything like getting a new couch because the one we have has a huge hole in the center cushion because my dog started digging in it when I went to work, because she didn't like being alone all day. Or things like a haircut--I just can't bring myself to spend the money, especially now that I'm not working.

And I'm overwhelmed, because when I started working I had just started going through things and those things are still in my livingroom. I've been so sick the the laundry is scattered through the house and we can't find anything. Kaleta was in charge of the kitchen, but she's changed things and I can't find anything, and it hasn't been deep cleaned in months. The house we live in is full of carpenter ants, the roof leaks, the yard is full of trash, there is chaos and I don't know what to do with the at least one semi-truck full of junk old Tom left behind when he died. It's like I'm living in someone else's home, and I don't feel welcome here.

The one thing I loved about my job is that I had structure. I had a clean work area. It was organized. I bought the things for my desk that reflected my personality. And when I took everything away, it was like I lost myself in a way. I wasn't expecting to feel that way. But it was the reason, the very main reason, I needed to leave. Because I felt more at home at work than I did at home. And when I was told I wasn't a team player it was like being told I wasn't a part of a family.

What do I want? What do I really want? I don't know because I don't dare to want anymore. I just want to get through the next moment. I want to know who I am, because somewhere in the whole process I've disappeared. I want to feel safe, secure and loved, but there must just be something wrong with me, because I can't communicate what I need, and maybe it's because I don't deserve anything I want.

I want the spec house to sell so Bill and Oleta don't lose their house and so we can move on with our life. I want to move out of this house that is just horribly run down. I want to be able to go out and buy furniture and new clothes for my kids and pointe shoes for my daughter. I'd like to take my daughter to the hair salon and have us both get our hair cut nice. I'd like to have a wedding band, one that would match my husband's, and I'd like us both to wear them. I'd like to go on a honeymoon, a real one, not just go camping. I'd like to go grocery shopping and be able to buy healthy foods without struggling to see if we can afford it. I would like a fridge that doesn't ice up and a washer that actually washes clothes and a dryer that actually dries. I'd like to be able to afford to take my kids to the dentist and get Kaleta's teeth fixed and go to the dentist myself and get the cavity that has been killing me filled. I'd like Phil to be able to have his teeth fixed (but he could do that because he has insurance but he won't because he's always working). I'd like to be able to ask for these things without my husband thinking that I'm blaming him and getting angry at me and walking away. I'd simply like life to not be so stinking hard.

After five years of wanting these things I'm pretty sure I will never have them. But what I will get is another moment, and what I do with that moment is what is important. I know I need to be thankful. I know I need to sing praises. But I am so weary. I am so tired. And all of my efforts fail or go unnoticed and unappreciated. What I want simply doesn't matter, period.

So, please, don't ask me what I want.

Grieving and Depression

2009-05-22T22:28:00.003-05:00

Tonight I broke down and went to the Grief and Depression group at Celebrate Recovery. I finally realized that what I'm feeling is grief, and a little bit of anger. I'm grieving the fact that I didn't get to say good-bye, that my resignation was accepted and I was abruptly released. That wasn't my expectation (those expectations will get you every time). I expected to be able to train in the next person, but the truth is I really did need to come home and rest. I feel so much better today, physically.

I'm angry at the depression and the fact that I got sick. I'm angry because I know had I not gotten sick I wouldn't have gotten depressed and if I hadn't got depressed I could have handled things better and I would still be able to have my job.

And then it hit me that is why I got sick and am depressed, because I knew a couple months ago that this working opposite of Phil and him having to take on so much in addition to working wasn't healthy for any of us. God wanted me home, and I've known it for awhile, but was fighting it for selfish reasons. I liked the fact I could get things done at work. I liked the emotional support. I liked that I was helping ministries. I, I, I. But God wanted me home. Guess who won?

So I'm grieving, and that is healthy and okay. It was a shock to have everything change so fast, and I allowed myself to be in denial that it would be so hard to walk away. It's okay to let the anger work it's way through, but make sure it's appropriately directed. Let the tears fall. Talk about it to safe people. Accept it and move on.

I'm so ready to move on . . .

Plates

2009-05-22T17:16:00.006-05:00

It was just a few weeks ago that I realized just how many plates I spin in my life. It wasn't until one night shortly after I got sick that I was talking to Phil and realized just how many plates I had going.

There was the husband plate, the child plates, the homeschool plate, the household plate, the work plate, the Celebrate Recovery leadership plate, the nursery on Sunday morning plate, the helping with the ballet plate, the writing an article plate and the sponsor plate, the quiet time plate and I'm sure there are a few others that I've forgotten. It wasn't any wonder that when I got sick plates started crashing all around me.

So on Tuesday I fasted, and asked God to show me what plates He wanted me to keep spinning. His answer was pretty clear, some of those plates had to go, and some needed to have more focus put on them because they were getting wabbly and about to go crashing. I also needed to add a couple that would help me balance out the ones in the air.

Some of those things, like the article and the ballet, were already gone. The work plate had to go, as did the Celebrate Recovery leadership. I have a feeling that for awhile I need to let my volunteer work go, too.

I need to keep my eyes on the homeschool plate, but it's time to let Kaleta, Cordel and Phil take on some of the plates I've been spinning for them. I need to work on the household, and I need to add exercise. I need a bigger plate of quiet time in God's Word, and I need to have it be the first one I start spinning each morning and it can be used to hold up all of the other plates. As far as the rest, I need to keep in mind that it's okay to just put the plates down on the table and let someone else pick them up if they need to spin.

So is it any wonder my mind is whirling? It is good to know that I've made the right choice, and good to know that I'm again within God's will.

The Worst Is Over

2009-05-21T16:55:00.002-05:00

By now just about everyone knows I'm not working at Fellowship anymore. Yesterday was so weird. If I had to do it over again I wouldn't have talked to Sam like Melissa recommended. It really just made things worse. I should have just resigned and let that be the end of it. A valuable lesson. But that was yesterday and this is today.

This morning was hard, cleaning out my desk and realizing that I'm really not needed there. I mean, I always knew that, there is nothing I did that Sarah couldn't do, or any other admin assistant. I think the worse is feeling like some sort of criminal, like that I was going to hurt something or do something bad. I'm sure they've had things like that happen, and that is why they have the policy. It's just I've never given notice before and just been let go like that. I've always stayed to help transition my replacement. But, looking at today I think it was best. Sometimes it's best just to make a clean break.

Phil and the kids are happy I'm home, and Phil promised he wouldn't fire me this time. :) I've received kind words from many people. I was truly hoping that I wouldn't feel uncomfortable attending Fellowship after this, but I'll be fine. Now I just need to let go and let God.